National cream scheme is a must

ThePublicApology is backing a government nationalisation of all cricket clothes factories, distributors and retailers with the end goal of developing a Standard Practice Cream.

Colour-coding inconsistencies have plagued cricket competitions across the globe for decades.  And while this publication is apolitical by nature, this writer urges the federal government to get behind the standardisation of cream-coloured cricket gear and put an end to this unsightly eyesore across cricket fields Australia-wide – or risk losing our vote to the (shudder) Liberal party.

THE STATUS QUO: On any given field on any given Saturday in any given Commonwealth country, 13 players (11 fielders and two batsmen) will stand on a cricket field, visible to all and sundry.  The unsettling fact, however, is that under the present economic model where private companies have carte blanche over the colour of their creams, both teams may field up to 24 different cream colour variations – bright white, off-white, bone, mother-o-pearl, etc – at once.  This looks sloppy, or “village[1]”, as it is termed in cricketing circles.

This is simply because every cricketer has a different brand preference.  Each brand, naturally, chooses to tweak their “creams” so as to differentiate their product from the competition.  Put simply, nothing can be done as long as the privatised model is in place.

THE SOLUTION: This is why the government must seize control and create a Standard Practice Cream to which all cricketers would adhere to.  There will be no excuse for any cricketer to have a mismatching shirt and pants combination – say, an off-white shirt and dark cream pants – under this nationalisation scheme.  The end result, of course, is to heighten the sense of professionalism among amateur cricket competitions – and, in turn, achieve better on-field results.

Gillard has refused to commit to the AusCream scheme

We propose that the government enterprise be called AusCream. Not only does this name evoke national pride, it is consistent with the 21st Century corporate practice of merging two words into one to effectively brand a product or company, ala MySpace, YouTube.

The AusCream scheme, and relevant legislation, would ensure no cricketer would appear in creams produced by private companies before January 2012.  It is a simple phasing out period: much like the digital TV revolution.   Breach of this code would result in a 12-month ban and a $550,000 fine.

THE BENEFITS: ThePublicApology firmly believes that the nationalisation of creams will create more jobs for unskilled Australian workers: essential in these “tough financial times”[2].  It will standardise production and allow for new, modern technology to be implemented.  The large scale production would almost definitely lead to lower production costs overall and, in turn, vastly lower prices for consumers.  At the moment a standard pair of Gray Nicholls cream pants costs RRP $49.95.  We firmly believe a nationalised product, complete with Coat of Arms logo and government approved cream hue, could retail at half that price.

Julia Gillard can turn Labor’s recent polling woes around by committing to a Standard Practice Cream by 2012.  Fuck a Carbon Tax; this is a far more pressing matter.

By Dave Edwards

Co-editor, ThePublicApology

thepublicapology@gmail.com


[1] Inferior, of poor quality. A middle-class term, used by schoolchildren and college students but probably borrowed from parents, said to be based on notions such as ‘village cricket’.

[2] Any given politician anywhere in the world, 2008-present.