The Public Apology has launched yet another absurd, somewhat unnecessary mini-series. In this latest one, we’re brainstorming the analogy that best fits the milieu in which the present-day Wallabies now find themselves. In this third instalment, Al McClintock suggests that the Wallabies are to New Zealand what Scotty Pippen’s manhood was to Michael Jordan…

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They say men will never experience pain like giving birth to a child. For that, as a man, I am thankful, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say twelve years of Bledisloe torment must be right up there*.

Still, I do not take the viewpoint held by my colleagues and plenty of pub-chat professionals that the Wallabies are a non-entity; something that was great in the nineties and now, like David Schwimmer, just doesn’t have the same allure.

For me, the Wallabies are much like Scottie Pippen, or more specifically his penis, and if you bear with me, I will explain how I came to this conclusion.

We all know the Scottie Pippen saga. A great player condemned to play in the shadow of The Greatest, Michael Jordan: a man who single handedly beat a bunch of basketball playing aliens; a man who is still the highest paid athlete annually, in terms of endorsements, long after he has retired; a man who is widely regarded as a complete cunt, but all is forgiven, because he was just that good.

Routine ear inspection

Routine ear inspection

Scottie Pippen, on the other hand, never got to play aliens**. He helped Jordan win several championships, no doubt has some incredible statistics that I could google, but won’t bother, and may even be a little bit of a prick himself, but while we all quietly acknowledge Pippen had the goods, talk inevitably moves onto the great man, MJ.

For me, this situation is mightily similar to the one the Wallabies find themselves in. I am not sure if it is an indictment on, or something to admire in the Australian psyche, that being the second best to arguably the greatest sporting team ever is not considered good enough. True, nobody remembers second, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they weren’t great themselves.

For once I would just like to hear a few people to say, “Hey, you know what? We didn’t beat the All Blacks, but we beat everyone else. So well done boys.”

I have recently been to New Zealand and they live and breathe Rugby Union. Rugby League is but a blip on their radar and although I know they play other sports, I saw very little evidence of it.

Very little evidence of rugby league in these parts

Very little evidence of other sports in these parts

You drive through a small country town that looks as if you’ve just rolled into a B-Grade horror movie. Prepare yourself to encounter a zombie in overalls brandishing a shotgun and then you pass the local footy field and it is immaculate.

Bright white posts stand proudly, seemingly taunting the heavens. Beautifully manicured grass rolls out before you, looking so plush you feel you could curl up and fall asleep on it. The club house, while tiny, looks as if it is polished every day. Who the fuck polishes a clubhouse? New Zealanders, that’s who.

This is what we’re up against. Rugby Union is a religion for these people. I am not going to go as far as comparing the All Blacks to ISIS, but the fanaticism is not that far off. And until we do the right thing and completely outlaw Rugby League, we will never be able to truly compete.

But all is not lost. A lot of what made Michael Jordan so great was his rivalry with Scottie Pippen. The two of them would often stay for hours after training, playing one-on-one into the early hours of the morning, desperately trying to get an edge over the other. Jordan would invariably win, but there was one thing he could never better Pippen on – the size of his penis.

It is widely accepted that Pippen had a cock like an elephant’s trunk. So well endowed was he that Former Chicago Bulls assistant coach Johnny Bach said: “Madonna used to pick him up in a limo with a hot tub every time we went to L.A. Michael used to tell Madonna he could satisfy her better, to which Madonna would tell him, ‘Not a chance.’”

"Not bad, but no Scotty P."

“Not bad, but no Scotty P.”

You think Madonna is a lady who would mess about with even an average sized penis? She was the greatest sex symbol of her time and thus she required the greatest penis.

This reportedly drove MJ mad and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it, except continue to beat Pippen on the basketball court. Is it not thus fair to say that the reason Michael Jordan was so great was because of Scottie Pippen’s penis? I think it is more than fair! I think it is too bloody right!

And therefore I assert that the reason the All Blacks are so great and New Zealand is so fanatical about Rugby Union, is because they know they can never beat Australia in terms of natural resource, wealth and worldly standing. It is just the way it is.

To them, Australian Rugby Union has Scottie Pippen’s penis and that is what truly drives them.

By Alasdair McClintock

* Cue justifiably outraged mothers, but think about it mothers who double as Wallabies fans, would you prefer to go through another labor, or suffer another twelve years of Bledisloe pain? At least you get a bloody kid out of it! A future Wallaby perhaps… Or perhaps just a prick/politician, but you’ll still love them.

** I can only speculate on this; he very well may have.