The fifth test of this Ashes series commences later this week. Just thought we’d remind you, since you’ve probably moved on with your life by now.

Unfortunately, it will mean nothing in the context of this series, since England has already claimed the Ashes in commanding fashion.

We got dicked in England. It has been utterly humiliating. We were bowled out for a giggle-inducing 60. Our captain announced his retirement mid-series. Several players may never pull on a baggy green again.

So what incentive is there to even tune in?

Trust me, you don’t want to miss this. The full gamut of emotions will be on display throughout the match. Anything could happen. This could be the best test ever – or the most embarrassing drubbing of all time.

Here are some things that are almost certain to happen:

  • Sky Sports will air an emotional montage of Michael Clarke’s career at the top of coverage
  • Michael Clarke will receive a faux-earnest round of applause upon heading to the crease for the last time
  • Clarke will look at the sky and acknowledge his wife as he leaves the field for the last time
  • Cameras will pan towards his dutiful wife as she stands to applaud her husband, a solitary tear trickling down her magnificently chiseled face
  • The Australians will go really fucking hard at everything and it will likely cost us the game
  • Dave Warner will display very few leadership qualities
  • Steve Smith will cry openly
  • Michael Clarke will not cry
  • Shaun Marsh will not play
  • Shaun Marsh might play
  • Peter Siddle will take 4/84 off 26 and leave us wondering ‘what if?’
  • Peter Siddle will cry
  • Chris Rogers will be disciplined and measured in everything that he does and he will be sorely missed
  • Chris Rogers will not cry
  • Shane Watson will hit 180 not out and baffle us all for eternity
  • Darren Lehmann will stand there in silent repose, arms crossed, regardless of what happens.

Just watch it.

By Dave Edwards