Queensland ‘walk-out’ fans promised full refund

Thousands of Queensland Origin fans are demanding a full ticket refund after walking out of Suncorp Stadium in disgust 10 minutes early last night, fearful they might witness a rare home loss.

Approximately 2,300 fans headed straight for the car-park after Michael Jennings crossed over for NSW in the 70th minute of last night’s Origin 1, giving NSW a tantalising sniff of victory. Queensland soon scored courtesy of Billy Slater to seal the match mere minutes from full-time, but angry fans today demanded the Queensland side foot the bill for their ticket, saying they deserved better from their team.

“I paid good money to watch Queensland smash the Blues and all I ask for is to enjoy 5-8 beers while doing so, without fear that they might actually lose the game,” said ticket holder and proud Queenslander, Andrew Wilson.

“The momentary fear that I experienced is something that no Queenslander should have to go through ever again. It was fucked.”

“I’ve got a young kid, Bevan, who has never seen Queensland lose a game,” said Beryl from Mt Isa. “Like any Queensland youngster, his heroes are not the emergency service folk, Nobel Prize winners or poet laureates – they’re footy players, household names – like Ashley Harrison and Dane Nielsen.”

“So we cut and run; and I had to listen to the rest of the game on my car radio, which was a fucking joke,” she added.

Queensland officials say they are happy to pay back those supporters who left early and have apologised unreservedly for the team’s momentary lapse. “We couldn’t believe it either, fancy nearly losing to a team that is a) coached by a jerk, b) has Jason King in its forward pack and c) hasn’t won a series in over five years,” a Queensland spokesperson told ThePublicApology.

“This is the wake-up call we all needed. It won’t happen again.”

By Dave Edwards 

The [Alleged] Cheaters XI

ThePublicApology has compiled the definitive team of past and present English Premier League footballers that, at one stage or another, have found themselves the subject of alleged infidelity.

This publication wishes to clarify that selections for this team were based purely on tabloid coverage these players received over their alleged exploits, not the level/degree of cheating (or whether the alleged cheating actually ever took place). We would like to believe that this team could beat any team from any era:

ST- Stan Collymore

ST- Peter Crouch

ST- Jermain Defoe

AM- Wayne Rooney

LCM- Ryan Giggs

RCM- David Beckham

DM- Frank Lampard

LB- Ashley Cole

CB- John Terry

RB- Joe Cole

GK- David Seaman

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By Mikhail Ushakoff

Tongues are a WAGing

The long list of public apologies by sports stars is expected to continue with revelations that former BBC and PFA Sports Player of the Year, Ryan Giggs, was involved in an affair with former UK Big Brother contestant, Imogen Thomas.

Giggs unsuccessfully attempted to legally prohibit the 75,000 or so Twitter users who had tweeted the news of his infidelity worldwide in a matter of seconds, after successfully gaining a gagging order on the official press outlets in Britain. Unfortunately for Giggs, he forgot about Scotland though. They like football there, too.

Since the news broke, the wife and mother of his children, Stacey Giggs, was reported seen leaving their multi-million dollar mansion without her wedding ring – a similar tactic used by fellow WAG, Cheryl Cole, best known, before wedding Ashley Cole, for prancing around in her underwear with UK girl group ‘Girls Aloud’.

Sir Alex Ferguson, Giggs’ manager at Manchester United, was unperturbed, telling ThePublicApology that “Giggsy has banged in plenty of free kicks in his time here, he’s conceded a bad one today, but that’s all part of the game and I know myself and the fans understand that.”

Former Man United captain and alleged philanderer David Beckham was similarly unapologetic. “Giggsy excels on the edge, beating opponents and getting it straight into the box,” Beckham explained, unaware of the double entendre he’d committed.

“It’s one of his strengths as a winger. I actually tried to base my own game on his in my younger days at Man U, before I met my Tinker Bell.” (Editor’s note: David Beckham and Victoria Beckham’s petnames for one another are Peter Pan and Tinkerbell, respectively.)

In honour of Giggs’ exploits, ThePublicApology, has assembled an unbeatable British Cheaters XI.  English football fans could only dream of their ‘Three Lions’ squad matching ours.  Click here to see the definitive squad we have assembled, based solely on [alleged] infidelity.

By Mikhail Ushakoff