Red Bull quits NASCAR, waves goodbye to ‘redneck’ market

Red Bull's NASCAR drivers now face uncertain futures

Red Bull Racing acted on the advice of its strategic marketing team to “cut ties with a redneck sport” in ending its five year association with NASCAR’s Sprint Cup Series, ThePublicApology can confirm.

Red Bull’s decision to leave NASCAR at the end of 2011 as a car owner leaves many unanswered questions. The jury is still out on whether the two-car team will be scrapped or taken over by a new owner, while question marks remain over Red Bull’s involvement across all motorsports.

A Red Bull spokesperson told ThePublicApology that while the company had reaped financial rewards from the association with NASCAR, it was now looking to get back to its “white-collar roots” and avoid further association with lower class consumers.

“Red Bull is a very versatile beverage,” he said. “It goes wonderfully with vodka, it can give you a boost of energy after a hard day at work; essentially, it is the refuge of white-collar consumers looking for an immediate fix in the absence of a methamphetamine addiction.”

“While the toothless, bourbon-swilling, Republican-voting NASCAR market is a potentially lucrative one, we’re looking to push back towards our original consumer base: bored office workers, designated drivers, people in sales and marketing – and let’s not forget those dumb-ass rich kids seeking a mad energy rush.”

Mississippi Senator and avid NASCAR fan Roger Sticker expressed disappointment that the energy drink giant was considering pulling out of his “favourite event, god-dammit”.  Informed by ThePublicApology that the drink that ‘gives you wing’ actually originated in Thailand, Sticker appeared incredulous.

“Those Taiwanese ladyboys came up with that? Dang,” he spluttered.

“Guess you’d need all the energy you can get to front up each day and jerk off 60-year-old conservatives on tax-payer funded vacays… um, I mean, sell pirated DVDs…”

Red Bull co-founders 'Yoyo' and Nong Porn

While the loss of a very active sponsor in today’s environment of corporate sponsorship is bound to hurt NASCAR financially, the pullout may cause an even larger ripple effect throughout the entire Red Bull Racing stable of drivers. Australian driver Mark Webber, of Red Bull’s Formula 1 team, had expressed an eagerness to travel to the United States in order to experience the wide array of University classes offered via a study abroad program. It now appears the program will be scrapped as the company looks to phase out its association with all forms of motor sports.

“I heard a night out in Talladega is fucking phenomenal. It’s like Queanbeyan on ‘roids,” Webber told ThePublicApology back in April.

“I mean, those [Australian Defence Force Academy] chicks were loose as all hell, but damn, some them southern hotties just make me wanna grind on the DF like DJ Pauly D.”

Webber upset that Red Bull's 'study abroad' program has been scrapped
By R.J. Karas with staff writers 

AFL denies ‘racism’ tag… again

The AFL has watered down suggestions the code is inherently racist after yet another on-field allegation.

Disgraced Western Bulldogs AFL player Justin Sherman will spend four weeks in the Victorian Football League after admitting to racially abusing an indigenous Gold Coast Suns player Joel Wilkinson last weekend – the pair apparently resolved their differences at a reconciliation meeting yesterday.

AFL CEO Andrew Demetriou denied racial tensions within the code, adding the footballer had apologised and would now learn his lesson in reserve grade.

“Whatever the crime, the greatest punishment you can level on a player is dropping him to second grade,” Demetriou said.

“We don’t have a problem in the AFL with racism – I can tell you that much.”

But some footballing experts are already questioning whether dropping Sherman to the VFL will help the embattled star deal with his opportunistic racism.

“The amount of racism, sexual taunts and derogatory rubbish that gets yelled out at a VFL game is ten times worse than in the AFL, where, for the most part, the environment is controlled and the presence of cameras and microphones keep the players in check,” said anti discrimination advocate Peter Marshall.

“I predict Sherman will come back to the AFL in four weeks time with a plethora of offensive insults that you only get at grassroots level.

A Melbourne Demons player of indigenous heritage told ThePublicApology that when it came to racial insults, he’d “heard them all”, but expressed hope that Sherman could bring something new to the table in four weeks time.

“A stint in the ressies [reserve grade] will give him a good chance to work on his material,” the player said.

“I’m sick of the generic “black c***” insult because it’s just not creative enough. I hear it every week and I think the white blokes could come up with something better by now; they’ve been oppressing us [indigenous people] for years and they’ve had ample time to think up some better taunts.”

“There’s some blokes in the reserves that are coming up with some good stuff at the moment, and I’ll be interested to hear some of it later in the year.”

Sherman told ThePublicApology he’d “keep an ear out for some good ones” at VFL training over the next month.

By Dave Edwards 

 

 

Singing gym junkies to be slapped with heavy fines

"We gon' light it up, like it's dynamite..."

Gym junkies who dance, whistle and sing to mainstream pop songs while working out will be subject to on-the-spot fines in a new crackdown on anti-social behaviour.

The ‘zero tolerance’ state legislation will give gym owners the right to forcibly remove the offending members from their premises. State appointed gym officers will be on the floor to slap gym goers with fines, which are believed to range from $400-$800.

“There’s nothing more frustrating than lifting weights and hearing the off-key wailings of some jock who’s trying to be ironic,” one Fitness First gym member told ThePublicApology.

“Seeing a bunch of muscle-bound dudes dancing around to Taio Cruz’s ‘Dynamite’ in between bench press sets is enough to make you quit the gym for life.”

“I’m in no way homophobic, but I think that kind of behaviour is more suited to [prominent Sydney gay bar] The Colombian than the free-weights area,” he added.

Sports and Recreation Minister Graham Annesley said that officers would also target guys in the free-weights section – specifically the bench-press zone – that wear iPods.

“These guys are arguably more annoying than those listening to the mainstream offerings over the gym P.A. system. Just because they’re wearing headphones and are oblivious to the outside world due to their trance or rap music blaring upwards of 100 decibels doesn’t make them exempt from the law,” he said.

“Obnoxious shoulder movements, ‘grooving’ and fist pumping will not be tolerated in NSW gyms.”

By Dave Edwards