Red Bull quits NASCAR, waves goodbye to ‘redneck’ market

Red Bull's NASCAR drivers now face uncertain futures

Red Bull Racing acted on the advice of its strategic marketing team to “cut ties with a redneck sport” in ending its five year association with NASCAR’s Sprint Cup Series, ThePublicApology can confirm.

Red Bull’s decision to leave NASCAR at the end of 2011 as a car owner leaves many unanswered questions. The jury is still out on whether the two-car team will be scrapped or taken over by a new owner, while question marks remain over Red Bull’s involvement across all motorsports.

A Red Bull spokesperson told ThePublicApology that while the company had reaped financial rewards from the association with NASCAR, it was now looking to get back to its “white-collar roots” and avoid further association with lower class consumers.

“Red Bull is a very versatile beverage,” he said. “It goes wonderfully with vodka, it can give you a boost of energy after a hard day at work; essentially, it is the refuge of white-collar consumers looking for an immediate fix in the absence of a methamphetamine addiction.”

“While the toothless, bourbon-swilling, Republican-voting NASCAR market is a potentially lucrative one, we’re looking to push back towards our original consumer base: bored office workers, designated drivers, people in sales and marketing – and let’s not forget those dumb-ass rich kids seeking a mad energy rush.”

Mississippi Senator and avid NASCAR fan Roger Sticker expressed disappointment that the energy drink giant was considering pulling out of his “favourite event, god-dammit”.  Informed by ThePublicApology that the drink that ‘gives you wing’ actually originated in Thailand, Sticker appeared incredulous.

“Those Taiwanese ladyboys came up with that? Dang,” he spluttered.

“Guess you’d need all the energy you can get to front up each day and jerk off 60-year-old conservatives on tax-payer funded vacays… um, I mean, sell pirated DVDs…”

Red Bull co-founders 'Yoyo' and Nong Porn

While the loss of a very active sponsor in today’s environment of corporate sponsorship is bound to hurt NASCAR financially, the pullout may cause an even larger ripple effect throughout the entire Red Bull Racing stable of drivers. Australian driver Mark Webber, of Red Bull’s Formula 1 team, had expressed an eagerness to travel to the United States in order to experience the wide array of University classes offered via a study abroad program. It now appears the program will be scrapped as the company looks to phase out its association with all forms of motor sports.

“I heard a night out in Talladega is fucking phenomenal. It’s like Queanbeyan on ‘roids,” Webber told ThePublicApology back in April.

“I mean, those [Australian Defence Force Academy] chicks were loose as all hell, but damn, some them southern hotties just make me wanna grind on the DF like DJ Pauly D.”

Webber upset that Red Bull's 'study abroad' program has been scrapped
By R.J. Karas with staff writers 

0 Replies to “Red Bull quits NASCAR, waves goodbye to ‘redneck’ market”

  1. I’m betting Monster Energy Drinks will fill the void. They have shown a penchant for sponsoring bogan-esque motorsports, e.g. dirt-bike racing. It’s time for them to take it to the next level.

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