TPA backs AusCream scheme

National cream scheme is a must

ThePublicApology is backing a government nationalisation of all cricket clothes factories, distributors and retailers with the end goal of developing a Standard Practice Cream.

Colour-coding inconsistencies have plagued cricket competitions across the globe for decades.  And while this publication is apolitical by nature, this writer urges the federal government to get behind the standardisation of cream-coloured cricket gear and put an end to this unsightly eyesore across cricket fields Australia-wide – or risk losing our vote to the (shudder) Liberal party.

THE STATUS QUO: On any given field on any given Saturday in any given Commonwealth country, 13 players (11 fielders and two batsmen) will stand on a cricket field, visible to all and sundry.  The unsettling fact, however, is that under the present economic model where private companies have carte blanche over the colour of their creams, both teams may field up to 24 different cream colour variations – bright white, off-white, bone, mother-o-pearl, etc – at once.  This looks sloppy, or “village[1]”, as it is termed in cricketing circles.

This is simply because every cricketer has a different brand preference.  Each brand, naturally, chooses to tweak their “creams” so as to differentiate their product from the competition.  Put simply, nothing can be done as long as the privatised model is in place.

THE SOLUTION: This is why the government must seize control and create a Standard Practice Cream to which all cricketers would adhere to.  There will be no excuse for any cricketer to have a mismatching shirt and pants combination – say, an off-white shirt and dark cream pants – under this nationalisation scheme.  The end result, of course, is to heighten the sense of professionalism among amateur cricket competitions – and, in turn, achieve better on-field results.

Gillard has refused to commit to the AusCream scheme

We propose that the government enterprise be called AusCream. Not only does this name evoke national pride, it is consistent with the 21st Century corporate practice of merging two words into one to effectively brand a product or company, ala MySpace, YouTube.

The AusCream scheme, and relevant legislation, would ensure no cricketer would appear in creams produced by private companies before January 2012.  It is a simple phasing out period: much like the digital TV revolution.   Breach of this code would result in a 12-month ban and a $550,000 fine.

THE BENEFITS: ThePublicApology firmly believes that the nationalisation of creams will create more jobs for unskilled Australian workers: essential in these “tough financial times”[2].  It will standardise production and allow for new, modern technology to be implemented.  The large scale production would almost definitely lead to lower production costs overall and, in turn, vastly lower prices for consumers.  At the moment a standard pair of Gray Nicholls cream pants costs RRP $49.95.  We firmly believe a nationalised product, complete with Coat of Arms logo and government approved cream hue, could retail at half that price.

Julia Gillard can turn Labor’s recent polling woes around by committing to a Standard Practice Cream by 2012.  Fuck a Carbon Tax; this is a far more pressing matter.

By Dave Edwards

Co-editor, ThePublicApology

[1] Inferior, of poor quality. A middle-class term, used by schoolchildren and college students but probably borrowed from parents, said to be based on notions such as ‘village cricket’.

[2] Any given politician anywhere in the world, 2008-present.

Miami in talks with Boston to trade LeBron’s mom for Flo Allen

LeBron, needs a PR overhaul

The Miami Heat is thinking of trading Gloria James to the Boston Celtics in exchange for Flo Allen, in what is looming as the first non-player or non-administrative transaction made in NBA trading history.

ThePublicApology understands that Heat officials, desperate for answers after the dramatic series loss to the Dallas Mavericks, mooted the “mom trade” with James a few days ago. According to sources, the Heat is looking for a PR quick-fix and has already penned a contract with the hope of luring Flo Allen to South Beach.

Flo is the mother of Celtics shooting guard Ray Allen, one of the most respected, endearing current NBA players and a man who boasts a squeaky-clean public image. This is helped largely by the fact that his mother attends every match he takes part in, promoting a tangible sense of “family” and devotion.

However, a Miami insider told ThePublicApology that while LeBron is eager to do the right thing by club officials, he would feel “a bit weird” having Ray Allen’s mother standing there cheering him on, resplendent in Miami garb, masquerading as his biological mother.

Flo Allen (pictured left) is mulling a move to South Beach

“LeBron knows that having Flo by his side would help his fledgling public image, but I don’t think he wants to deal with the off-court stuff, such as family dinners and the predictable, “family focused” magazine features that will inevitably arise once the trade is done,” the source told ThePublicApology.

ThePublicApology also understands that James is reluctant to let his mother loose in Boston now that former Cleveland teammate Delonte West is on the Celtics list. One of the biggest talking points in the NBA is the so-far unsubstantiated rumour that West had a sordid affair with Gloria James – and that LeBron’s departure from Cleveland was a direct consequence of the tryst.

“I know LeBron doesn’t want his mom anywhere near that guy given their [Delonte and Mrs James] history,” the source confirmed.

Meanwhile, a Celtics official told ThePublicApology the club was mulling the trade – pending Flo Allen’s passing of a physical – but was waiting for Miami to exchange insurance information and conduct salary cap calculations.

West, could be an obstacle to the Gloria James trade

ULTIMATUMS: ThePublicApology also understands the Heat has imposed several other ultimatums on the 6’7″ star. Should James break any of these conditions, his contract will be terminated instantly. They include:

  • Dumping the capital ‘B’ from his first name and replacing it with a more humble, media-friendly lower-case ‘b’.
  • When questioned in the future, retrospectively referring to his “Decision” to move to South Beach as “The Situation” – pending a patent appeal by Jersey Shore cast member Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino.
  • Wearing a nameless, numberless jersey for the entire 2011-12 series to “get him back down to earth.”
By Dave Edwards 

Man bashed for wearing a blue tie on Origin day

The man suffered horrific facial injuries

A Queensland man who accidentally wore a blue tie to work is recovering in hospital after he was mercilessly bashed by parochial Origin fans last night.

The man was assaulted at around 10:45pm at Brisbane’s famous Caxton Hotel by a group of angry, discerning Queensland rugby league fans, who set upon the man for his clothing faux-pas. The victim was immediately rushed to the Princess Alexandria hospital where he received treatment for a fractured eye socket, concussion, and severe lacerations to his face and arms.

While the 28-year-old Sunnybank man cannot be named, he spoke exclusively with ThePublicApology from his hospital bed this morning. He appeared dismayed at the extent of his injuries, but accepted full responsibility for the previous night’s events.

“I guess I just didn’t think before choosing a blue tie yesterday morning,” the victim said.

“It wasn’t until I arrived at work and people started questioning my sexuality that I remembered Origin was on.”

“But I would have done the same thing if I was in [the alleged attackers’] position,” he admitted.

Queensland police have expressed no sympathy for the man, admitting that while the attack was incredibly brutal, they were nonetheless baffled by the victim’s lack of common sense in wearing a blue tie on Origin II game day. Chief Police Commissioner Bob Atkinson said that all Queenslanders should take note of the incident and carefully consider their outfits to avoid what the department has termed ‘violent Origin xenophobia’.

“We advise that all white-collar workers set out their clothes the night before an Origin match to avoid any possible altercations at work or at the pub after the game – we specifically  recommend a red tie with a white long-sleeved shirt,” he added.

“But the greatest tragedy is that the victim in this case was actually a Queensland supporter, and had he only dressed appropriately, he could have been drinking heavily and verbally abusing New South Welshmen or other minority groups.”

Queensland police have laid no charges over the incident.

By Hugh Holden