ThePublicApology’s calls for a new chairman of selectors may have been answered, with reports that Cricket Australia is seeking Rod Marsh to replace Andrew Hilditch in the top job.
ThePublicApology can report that CA believes the team is suffering from a lack of genuine facial hair and is seeking to appoint one of its most recognisable stalwarts, Marsh, to mould the aesthetics of a new generation of cricketers. The 1970’s icon has just finished a six-year role as director of coaching at the elite ICC Global Cricket Academy in Dubai and is reportedly keen to explore other options.
Cricket Australia CEO James Sutherland told ThePublicApology that following poor performances in recent years, the Australian cricket team was in need of some “old-school leadership from a bloke with a caterpillar on his lip.”
“You just look back to the days of Lillee, Chappell, Marsh – even Border in his pre-Fox Sports years; these guys all had great facial hair going on and it translated to on-field success,” Sutherland said.
“We’re looking to bring classic mustaches, beards, side-burns and goatees back into the fold to get back some of that unadulterated testosterone. We will also be stamping out designer facial hair and unnecessary earrings.”
Marsh will be tasked with ridding the game of “pretty boys” and “metrosexuals” and forging a new era of body-hair, beer drinking and singlet-tans.
The wicketkeeping legend told ThePublicApology that he was disappointed with the way the game had “gone down the plug-hole” in recent years. He blamed the rise of sleeve-tattoos, model girlfriends and low-carb beers for Australia’s sudden form slump.
“Back in my day you drank carb-heavy beers and you married your childhood sweetheart because it was the right thing to do,” he said. “You didn’t see many tattoos either; if you did, it was in the showers after the game, where you might be pleasantly surprised to see your mild-mannered off-spinner had an anchor tattoo or the Southern Cross on his arse.”
“These poofters are all using waxy haircare products and adding blond tips to their hair… I wouldn’t be surprised if they blow-dry their hair during the change of innings,” he continued.
But Marsh reserved his greatest spray for test captain Michael Clarke. “This pretty boy is the worst of the lot and I think we’d need to drop him entirely. There’s no way that this prepubescent man-boy could grow a mustache, certainly not one becoming of an Australian test captain.”
“He can take his Aston Martin-driving, zero carb vodka and soda-drinking arse back to the IPL [Indian Premier League] for all I care. We’ve got business to take care of here, and that’s winning the fucking Ashes!”
In a veiled reference to former captain Ricky Ponting, Marsh pledged to tear up any third party agreements with hair regrowth companies, adding that “we’ll fucking go bald gracefully, thank you very much.”
Meanwhile, beleaguered current chairman Andrew Hilditch has so far refused to vacate his spot, although he does come off contract this year. Reports have been circulating that the South Australian lawyer has been growing out a beard in an attempt to get back some credibility.
By Dave Edwards