‘Bring on the cucumber sandwiches’ says Tindall

English rugby player Mike Tindall is reported to be relishing royal life following his weekend wedding to the Queen’s granddaughter, Zara Phillips.

And Tindall, who met his bride at a Sydney bar in 2003 during England’s successful Rugby World Cup campaign, says the ribbing he’s been “copping” from his mates is just good old fashioned jealousy.

“All my [football] mates have been giving me loads since I started going out with Zara,” Tindall told ThePublicApology just days before the big day.

“But I’ve since found out I love all the little perks that come with being part of the Royal Family. I’ve even been working on my ‘royal wave’. And nanna [the Queen] has assured me it is very elegant and not at all effeminate, despite the England boys telling me I look like a bloody gay.”

Tindall added that while he was initially worried that his natural demand for high-kilojoule meals would not be met as part of the extended Royal Family, he was now eagerly awaiting a life of de-crusted cucumber sandwiches, high tea and crumpets.

“I’ll just top things up with a protein shake here and there,” he grinned.

Tindall's new life

According to royal watchers, Tindall has “got what it takes” to lead England one day – the nation, not the football team – should a cavalcade of tragedies befall the Windsor family.

“In a lot of ways, being a Royal is very similar to being a back in rugby,” said one royal aficionado.

“You spend a lot of your time standing around doing absolutely fuck-all while earning a massive paycheck – and Tindall should be quite used to that. And let’s face it. He possibly can’t be a worse head of state than he is an international centre.”

Tindall’s ascension to the Royal Family bucks the trend of footballers settling with high-school sweethearts or trashy, non-descript blondes, according to social researcher Myra Cunningham.

“Usually they take a shining to cheerleaders, models, struggling actress and porn stars,” Cunningham said.

“This shows that Tindall has a bit of class about him; that the era of the drunken football lout could actually be over. I think English rugby players have come a long way since the days of Will Carling and Diana Spencer,” she added, referring to the rumoured affair between the late Princess of Wales and the famous ex-international rugby player.

"Cor, blimey!"

In a rare interview prior to the wedding, Queen Elizabeth II said it was wonderful that Phillips had seen past Tindall’s lopsided nose and misshapen teeth to find true love.

“But of course, I would have preferred my Zara to have paired up with that gorgeous dark-skinned Jeremy Guscott,” she admitted, out of ear shot from her gaffe-prone and sometimes inadvertently racist husband, Prince Phillip.

“Is he still playing?”

By Dave Edwards

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