The flow of adulation for Cadel Evans following his Tour De France win has only just begun. Fans of Australia’s new Golden (or, more accurately, Yellow) Boy are no longer just that. A spawning faith is growing. Deifying Cadel and lambasting all who oppose.
“Cadellites”, as they refer to themselves, are popping up everywhere; on our roads, in our cafes, outside our children’s schools. They can be identified by bright yellow jerseys, taut little buttocks and mind-blowing calves.
They preach their doctrine to all who pass, screaming “Cadel is God” and “Better than Bradman”, spruiking lycra-bound philosophy while brandishing enormous wooden lungs to signify “the strength within”.
Any opposition to the group has been quickly stymied, with suggestions the NSW Government is offering clandestine support in the hope someone might finally use their bike lanes. Premier Barry O’Farrell has denied all allegations and has been seen shuffling around his office mumbling “why did I sign up for this?”
Sydney Morning Herald columnist Mia Freedman experienced the full brunt of Cadellism when she dared question the importance of Evans’ achievements. She exclaimed: “I couldn’t believe it!”
“For three days I had a full yellow-jerseyed, bile-spitting escort wherever I went. They keep sending pizzas to my house and have even shaved my cat!”
Several others have also fallen afoul of these bi-wheeled oddities. Gary Taylor of Camperdown explained: “I merely pointed out some other bloke had won it seven times before him and the next thing I know there are burning paper bags full of who knows what on my doorstep, and I seem to be subscribed to every sadism periodical under the sun.”
No Cadellite had been willing to comment on these accusations of heavy-handedness at the time of publishing.
Meanwhile, Cadel himself has washed his hands of it, instead focusing on his aim to replace Tiger Woods as the new face of Gillette. “I’m perfect!”
“I even shave my gooch!” he added.
In these uncertain times, anybody who approaches appearing physically fit and wearing yellow should be treated with caution. Any sign of fear or retreat and they will pounce. Offer a firm handshake, look them in the eye, and strike them emphatically in the genitals – it is the only way.
By Al McClintock