South Sydney forward Dave Taylor and NBA star Pau Gasol have topped a controversial, newly released Wikileaks list of the softest men in sport.
The controversial document, which Wikileaks hackers compiled from the databases of several national sporting organisations and personal email accounts, is set to shock fans and shame the identified players. The listed sportsmen are mainly accused of failing to utilise their god-given athletic attributes in preference for dainty, effeminate play.
Taylor’s wide-running, wristy flick-passes and delicate grubbers were the subjects of a secret South Sydney board meeting earlier this year, The Public Apology can confirm. The Wikileaks report said John Lang confided in fellow officials via email that the 122kg giant “genuinely believed he was a halfback.”
“I’m not sure what you can do when your big guys play like little guys; I’m very disappointed with Dave’s efforts so far this season,” Lang said.
“I don’t want to go on the record here, but it reminds me a bit of Rob Schneider’s character in ‘The Hot Chick’. Schneider plays a 17-year-old cheerleader trapped in the body of a grotesque, hairy male of possibly Hispanic origin.”
“I know Dave is just ‘being himself’, but it’s not doing our team any favours,” Lang added.
Speaking with The Public Apology, Taylor questioned the validity of the Wikileaks report. He cited a recent spear tackle as evidence that he was willing to put his body on the line in a match situation.
“I just copped five weeks for endangering a bloke’s life – how does that make me soft?” he challenged.
Meanwhile, Lakers officials deemed Pau Gasol’s long-range fadeaways and girlish shrieks unbecoming of a 7’0” centre. When told of the leaks – documented in a series of Gmail exchanges between ex-coach Phil Jackson and franchise player Kobe Bryant – Gasol said he always tried to be aggressive on the court, but professed that “it’s hard when you’ve got guys six inches shorter than you trying to grab rebounds – you just get scared!”
In an exclusive interview at a Redondo Beach bar, the Spaniard told The Public Apology that he did hope to get to the rim again one day, but for the moment he was just focusing on possibly getting in the paint. “I don’t want to get ahead of myself,” he added, sipping daintily on a strawberry daiquiri garnished with a slice of kiwi-fruit.
To nobody’s surprise, Gold Coast Suns AFL ruckman Josh Fraser and Australian test captain Michael Clarke were also outed as “soft” in the documents.
Wikileaks founder and editor-in-chief Julian Assange said that despite the backlash from furious team officials, he believed the leaks were overwhelmingly in the public interest.
“I know these are sensitive documents and they’re bound to offend some people, but these are the things clubs don’t want you to know,” he said.
“My hope is that these findings stimulate reform within all sporting organisations – with the end goal of eradicating softness from sport altogether. And all clubs should be subject to further investigations at both junior and representative levels.”
“And one more thing, I believe that NFL quarterbacks are too protected in the modern game. I mean, fuck, it’s not like they’re kickers. Linebackers should be allowed to smash ‘em!”
Assange, who is currently fighting extradition to Sweden over allegations of sexual crimes, said he hoped to be released from house arrest in Norfolk in time for the NRL finals series.
“The [English] Super League sucks – full of pansies and has-beens,” he said.
By Dave Edwards