The actor who brought laughter to millions through his unique brand of physical comedy is lucky to be alive after wiping out an expensive F1 supercar in a quaint English town.
Rowan Atkinson, best known for portraying the hapless Mr Bean character, lost control on a sharp corner before spinning his AU$1.3 million McLaren vehicle into a light post, where it promptly burst into flames.
One Peterborough local said he was amazed that Atkinson could walk away from the wreckage. “I kept waiting for a goofy grin or a hidden laugh-track – but in all seriousness the Beanster is lucky to be alive,” he said.
Unfortunately, it’s not the first time the Black Adder star has written off an F1 McLaren, having done the same thing back in 1999. There are also unconfirmed reports that another minor crash occurred earlier this year.
In a case of life imitating art, Atkinson has been in such a state of shock since the accident that he is reportedly unable to speak. The 56-year-old has drawn upon his vast acting skills, cooperating with police via a series of hilarious grunts, bizarre facial expressions and ungainly body contortions – to mixed results.
Meanwhile investigators have denied early reports that he was sitting in a lounge chair on the roof, steering the car with ropes and poles. [Ed: ThePublicApology has denied stealing that joke from another online source.]
A spokesperson for Atkinson told ThePublicApology that the actor believed the accident was a karmic reaction to his unspeakably bad movie franchise, Bean. “He regrets the movie series and wishes he never sold out to make such nauseating bullshit,” the spokesperson said.
“What sane person would swallow such a foolish fish-out-of-water premise? A bumbling, possibly retarded British delinquent frolicking down Sunset Boulevard and mixing with National Gallery curators? Give me a break.”
Atkinson is coincidentally due to appear in a pre-recorded episode of UK Top Gear, in which the actor posted the fastest lap time ever by a celebrity on the show. Host Jeremy Clarkson told ThePublicApology that Atkinson’s speedy time was as much a mystery as whether the fictional Bean character had some form of mental illness.
“Don’t quote me on this… but fuck knows how he got the best lap time,” he said. “The guy loves cars but he can’t drive for shit. We only got him on the show as a bit of a joke; it was a chance to contrast old footage of his British Leyland Mini 1000 that he used in the Mr Bean TV series with the elite racing car we’d assigned him – and an opportunity to really lay into him over that abhorrent Johnny English movie.”
“By the way, I can’t believe he is making a fucking sequel to that!”
Meanwhile, friends have reportedly urged Atkinson to stick to driving wonky three-wheeler Reliants from now on.
By Luke Meredith with staff writers