Hasler makes grand final hair pledge

Manly coach Des Hasler will shave off his flowing blond locks should his team topple the New Zealand Warriors this Sunday in the NRL grand final.

Hasler informed his playing group at training today that the winner of the Clive Churchill medal would be given the shaving honours – a tactic designed to spur the northern beaches club to victory.

“Yeah, we’ve been reasonably motivated up until this point to win the 2011 grand final, but this changes everything,” a reinvigorated Jamie Lyon told ThePublicApology.

“I’d love to see what Dessie looks like under that impressive mop of hair.”

Some suspect Hasler is hiding a Gorbachev-like birthmark

Hasler would be almost unrecognisable without his trademarked locks, having sported the same ‘do since the age of seven.

The rugged coach told ThePublicApology that the new look would not affect his personal brand or his ability to steer the side to a consecutive grand final appearance in 2012, should Manly win this Sunday.

“I think it’s time for a new Des to emerge; I think people see me as this caricature of a man, which I’m really not – I’m actually quite a deeply intelligent human,” he said.

“I’ve been mulling the chop for a while now – and should we get up this weekend I’ll keep my promise to lose the locks.”

Meanwhile, prime ministerial handbag and hairdresser Tim Mathieson has put up his hand to give Hasler a hair makeover should he opt for a more salon-like experience.

Having tamed the prime minister's hair, Mathieson is eager for a new challenge

“I’d personally love to take on Dessie’s hair,” Mathieson said, in between sips of a strawberry daiquiri.

“It’s got such wonderful life and bounce! I could cut it short and give it lots of texture and add some product to achieve that ‘messy’ look – or, we could keep it long, add some highlights and straighten it out a bit like Justin Bieber. Oh, the possibilities are endless,” he giggled.

Hasler told ThePublicApology that he had no inclination to adopt a Justin Bieber style.

“What do you think I am, a poofter?” he retorted angrily.

By Dave Edwards

 

Young tells cops: ‘go easy on my impersonator’

Philadelphia Eagles’ bench-warmer Vince Young is unfazed by the arrest of a Maryland man charged with impersonating the backup quarterback on several occasions in Prince George’s County and the Washington DC area.

Detectives said Stephan Antwain Pittman, 33, swindled thousands of dollars from victims who believed they were donating money to charities associated with Young. One woman handed over $2,500 to the impostor, believing the money was going to a fund for sick children. Police have also alleged that Pittman, pretending to be Young, went as far as visiting terminally ill kids in hospital.

Young, when told of the arrest, expressed gratitude to Pittman for a “job well done.” “I’m glad he took up a bit of the slack. All that photos with dying kids shit really put a cramp in my style,” he said.

“But man, that brother doesn’t even look like me!”

Pittman, cashing in on ignorant white Americans

One of Pittman’s victims, a 60-year-old Baltimore lady who spoke to ThePublicApology on the condition of anonymity, said she had since lost faith in humanity.

“That’s the last time I give money to a random black guy on the street,” she said.

“I’ll admit I was slightly surprised that this man had approached me and asked me to contribute to a children’s charity – the ‘Money for Sick Kids with Cancer and AIDS’ fund, I believe it was. When I asked if I could write out a check, he said: ‘No way – straight cash, homey!’ I guess at that stage I should have realised it was a scam.”

“He said he was an NFL player – so I just handed it over. I couldn’t quite make out his face through the helmet grille, but anyone who goes to those lengths has gotta be legit.”

Young, however, has actually expressed an interest in putting Pittman on the Eagles’ payroll.

“Maybe I should hire him to do some more of the dirty work. I know for a fact [legendary NFL quarterback] Brett Favre had a couple of doubles. Man, he couldn’t be in two places at one time. He needed to get laid every now and then,” Young told ThePublicApology via phone from his palatial compound on the outskirts of Philadelphia.

“I’m thinking maybe [Pittman and I] should tag-team some shorty. Yeah, that’d be sweet. A Young spit roast… that’s where it’s at!”

It is unclear whether Favre’s infamous “cock shots” – a series of lewd phallic photos sent via cellphone to buxom sideline reporter Jenn Sterger – were in fact taken using a body double.

"See this tear here? I'm really sorry."

Meanwhile, authorities say Pittman will be extradited to DC to face charges of first-degree fraud. Young has already dispatched a team of top lawyers to represent Pittman in the hope of freeing him so that he can impersonate Young at cancer fundraiser during the week.

The drama comes as the Eagles were humiliated 29-16 by the New York Giants at Lincoln Financial Field on Sunday. Convicted felon and sometimes-quarterback Michael Vick was again forced to leave the field after suffering a hand injury during the loss. He was replaced by third-string quarterback Mike Kafka, as Vince Young was meeting with his lawyers in relation to the Pittman defence at the time.

In other NFL news, Buffalo shocked everyone by downing the Patriots 34-31 at Orchard Park on Sunday. Linebacker Chris Kelsay summed up the team’s mood, “Shit, we’re as surprised as anyone. We didn’t even train during the off-season. We just got together once a week to hit the buffet and down as many brewskies as possible,” he said in a local tavern after the game.

By Nick Gordon

Selfish Sri Lankan credits Michael Bevan for test ton

Sri Lankan middle-order batsman and test centurion Angelo Mathews has hailed his team’s 1-0 series defeat in the Warne-Muralitharan Trophy as one of the most successful moments in Sri Lankan cricket history. And the selfish prick has credited his personal batting coach and mentor, Michael Bevan, for instructing him to “fuck the team off – just worry about your own batting average.”

Mathews scored his maiden test century – after being dismissed in the 90s twice previously – in his side’s first innings in the third and final match. However, he took his sweet time doing it.

In a match that Sri Lanka needed victory in to draw the series and retain the trophy, Mathews occupied the crease for almost seven hours, soaking up 269 balls at the blistering strike-rate of 39.  Mathews’ elation at eventually reaching his milestone was shared with the handful of spectators who had remained at the ground and not been seduced by the comparative excitement of the National Senior Citizens Scrabble Tournament, which, in a shocking error of scheduling, was being held simultaneously at a nearby venue.

A shocking scheduling error

The batsman himself appeared oblivious to the opinions of expert commentators that his innings was in fact detrimental to the interests of his team and would effectively end any chance of them winning the match.  Mathews revealed that he felt “great” after the match, and satisfied with his “patient” innings.  When asked about the final result of both the match and the series, he responded that he “couldn’t give a fuck”.

However, in a shock revelation, Mathews revealed that he had been meeting regularly with former Australian cricketer Michael Bevan, who had been counselling him on the mental side of the game.  Mathews said the relationship with Bevan had changed his outlook on batting and was directly responsible for his maiden test ton.

Bevan, awkwardly negotiating another short ball

“Bevan has taught me that the most important thing for me to focus on is my batting average,” he said.

“In the past I have been guilty of putting the team’s goals ahead of my own, but that is a mistake I won’t be making again.”

A perfect example of this new philosophy was provided on day four of the test, with Sri Lanka anticipated to chase quick runs in the hope of setting up a nervous fourth innings for the Australians.  “The captain wanted us to quickly put on around 100 runs, giving us a lead of 200,” he said.

“The pitch was flat and initially I intended on following his instructions.  As I prepared to face up to my first ball, I looked at my wrist where I had written the letters WWBD – what would Bevan do?  It was then that I realised I was on 85, and had two full days to reach my century.  From that point on I only considered myself, and the results speak for themselves”.

“The best thing was that the rest of the batsmen got out, so I ended up with 105 not out.  That was a real boost for my average, which is now up to 44.”

Quizzed by a bemused press contingent on the future of a Sri Lankan team that hasn’t won a test match since the retirement of spinner Muttiah Muralitharan in July 2010, Mathews replied that he “no longer concerns himself with the team’s results… to be honest, I just don’t give a shit”.

New Australian captain Michael Clarke expressed surprise at Mathew’s snail-like marathon innings, given the state of the match. “The pitch was flat, and we have Mitchell Johnson in our bowling attack, so usually we expect teams to score at around 4 runs per over against us,” he said.

"Just chillin' before I go take 2-179 at 6.2 runs per over..."

However, Clarke appeared nonplussed that Bevan was now working with test cricketers from other countries.  “That’s fine by me, just as long as he doesn’t start trying to work with any Australian players,” he quipped.

ThePublicApology contacted Bevan for a brief comment following the coaching revelation. He revealed, controversially, that he was currently working with Mathews on how to negotiate the short ball. “Basically, I’m coaching him to retreat to square leg in a panicked fashion whenever a bit of chin music comes his way,” he said. “That usually throws off the bowler’s line and length.”

Bevan added that he would also be counseling the all-rounder to refuse to bowl when requested by the captain – unless the batsmen were tailenders.

By Hugh Holden