Wilkinson credits streaker for English win

English fly-half Johnny Wilkinson has credited a naked streaker for his side’s vital last-gasp win over Argentina in their opening World Cup fixture.

A completely nude man – save for some artfully applied blue and white face paint – boldly entered the field and made a 100 metre dash towards Wilkinson. He then began remonstrating with the English play-maker, much to the amusement of spectators.

It later emerged that the Puma fan, Carlos Santos-Esteban, had inadvertently alerted Wilkinson of a north-westerly breeze drifting across the Otago stadium. The normally reliable goal-kicker had endured a horror night with the boot, missing five attempts in a row.

“When the bloke ran onto the field, I couldn’t help noticing that his genitals were swinging around wildly,” Wilkinson admitted.

“That’s the kind of professional I am. While other blokes were laughing and using the streaker as an opportunity to take a breather and grab some water, I was still looking for that extra one percent advantage. I knew that meant there was a bit of a breeze blowing across the park – and I adjusted my game-play accordingly for the remainder of the match. And for that, I thank him [the streaker].”

“That doesn’t make me gay, though,” he added hastily.

"Posts are that way, mate!"

Wilkinson duly potted the important conversion following scrum-half Ben Youngs try to put England 13-9 ahead, a lead they did not relinquish.

Meanwhile, Santos-Esteban told ThePublicApology that “a few too many Tui beers” had given him the Dutch courage to streak the length of the Otago stadium.

“It was a bit cheeky of me – no pun intended – but I thought I’d go up and give Jonny a bit of an earful over his dodgy kicking,” Santos-Esteban said.

“I just pointed towards the uprights and said ‘the goals are that way, mate’. I had no idea that his gaze would be firmly fixed on my package – or that indeed, in a rather ironic twist, that my genitals would cost Argentina two crucial Pool B points.”

The 29-year-old Argentine, a politics lecturer at Universidad de Palermo, said the experience was an utter blur, but a moment he will cherish forever.

“Yeah, I really relished the streak. I just wish I was a bit less pissed, you know? Actually, my original intention was to run on and lobby [centre and captain] Mike Tindall over claiming sovereignty over the Falkland Islands.”

Las Islas Malvinas

“I figured now that Tindall is married to the Queen’s granddaughter, he might have been able to have a word about taking the Falklands off the United Nations’ list of ‘Non-Self-Governing Territories’. How can it be a self-governing British overseas territory when there it is, right in our [Argentina’s] own fucking backyard – we’ve spilt blood for that land!”

He added that some 20 mates that had said they’d chip in for the automatic NZ$10,000 streaking fine had so far failed to pay up.

By Dave Edwards

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