Cheeseheads crushed as Lambeau leap goes wrong

A Lambeau Leap has gone horribly wrong in the NFL season opener between Green Bay and the New Orleans Saints.

The drama came when Packers rookie Randall Cobb performed the infamous leap after scoring a touchdown, only to crush several spectators – many of whom could be seen writhing on the ground in pain following the incident.

“Yeah, he didn’t do it right,” Cheesehead spectator Chip Buck said. “He crushed this lady’s windpipe and gosh darn it, he almost killed her!”

The incident soured an otherwise promising night for the Packers as they held off the Saints to win 42-34.

However, several spectators were taken to St Mary’s Hospital following the leap that went wrong. The worst injury was sustained by Joseph Ganasy of Oshkosh, who remains in a critical condition with what doctors have obliquely described as “severe head injuries, complicated by the fact that the Mr Ganasy refuses to remove his decorative Cheesehead hat.” “It’s not making it easy to treat him, but he says he’ll remove the hat if the Packers put up a decent show against the Panthers next week,” Dr Waylon Hurt said.

Ganasy prior to his horrific head injuries

Other injuries reported in the incident included two broken wrists, a sprained ankle, a chipped tooth and a bad case of pink eye sustained by a young fan who bore the full brunt of the failed leap. He later refused to talk to ThePublicApology for fear of reprisals from drunken Cheeseheads.

Packers chairman Mark Murphy showed no sympathy for the injured fans: “They choose to sit there, they love that stuff, they’ll be fine,” he told reporters. “I’m going to find some moonshine. Piss off!”

Cobb, the Packer responsible for the leap, was uninjured during the incident. “He didn’t feel nothin,” said teammate Jarius Wynn. “Heck, he drank so much during the lockout, he don’t feel nothin’ now.”

Defense appeared to be a victim of the lockout and failed to show during the game. Chip Juckoby, a fan who made the trip up from Chicago, expressed a common sentiment. ‘Bunch of pansies playing tonight – my grandma tackles harder than that,” he spat.

The poor defense also upset other fans who suggested the league seriously consider changing its name to the National Touch Football League.

By Nick Gordon

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