Stosur swamped by savvy, soulless sponsors

Hungry sponsors are clambering over each other to get a piece of newly crowned US open winner Sam Stosur.

Stosur’s manager has reportedly been approached by more than 50 companies keen on using tennis’ hottest property as their brand ambassador since the Australian overcame perennial A-hole Serena Williams, 6-3 6-2, in the women’s final mere hours ago.

For Stosur, it is now simply a case of which dotted line she’ll sign on.

Before her breakout win, Stosur had struggled to attract big money sponsorship deals, watching in envy as her male contemporaries penned lucrative deals with high-profile companies such as Gillete, Nike, Adidas and Lacoste.

Fed-Ex cashing in with Gillette

“Yeah, for a while there we were wondering when the money would start trickling in for Sam,” her manager admitted.

“Having been known so widely as a choker, the only deal worth mentioning was the $50,000 fee we got from [lozenge company] Strepsils for a brief ad campaign she did last year. ‘Suck on these and you’ll never choke again’, was the catch-phrase. A little bit demeaning for Sam, but that’s professional sport for you.”

One of the many firms interested in signing Stosur is local gym chain Workout World. The company is reportedly keen to ditch current spokesperson Jana Rawlings for a fresher, buffer female.

“Sammy is the perfect face for Workout World, ” the firm said in a statement. “She fits the mould of what Workout World is all about – strong, fresh and fit as a fiddle. Workout World would love the opportunity to work with Sammy in delivering our unique offering to customers. Workout World!” the firm added, peppering the statement with so many references to Workout World that it was impossible to quote the firm without sounding like a PR whore.

Rawlings, may get the boot for a more marketable Aussie star

Interestingly, ThePublicApology can confirm that Stosur took out insurance on her famous biceps earlier this year to the tune of $100,000 each. Some have mooted that Australian clothing company Bonds is set to offer Stosur a seven figure deal to take over the famous ‘Chesty Bonds’ logo, with an illustrated image of Stosur’s impressive guns to adorn a new merchandising campaign.

ThePublicApology approached several marketing academics for comment in researching this article and was told, for the most part, to “fuck off and do some real journalistic work, hack!”

“Why you useless fucking journalists continue to call us on the ‘sudden increased brand value’ of Australia’s latest sporting sensation is beyond me,” one frustrated RMIT academic said.

“But to answer your question, yes, Sam will now receive several lucrative sponsorship offerings, most likely from health-food chains and family-friendly brands. Blah blah blah. And I’ll be god-damned if Uncle Tobys hasn’t got on this fucker already.”

“Hell – and this is off the record – she might even get a few requests from that dykey magazine that [MTV presenter and famed lesbian] Ruby Rose posed for, or at least I assume she did. What was that one called – Diva, or something?”

By Dave Edwards

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.