Young tells cops: ‘go easy on my impersonator’

Philadelphia Eagles’ bench-warmer Vince Young is unfazed by the arrest of a Maryland man charged with impersonating the backup quarterback on several occasions in Prince George’s County and the Washington DC area.

Detectives said Stephan Antwain Pittman, 33, swindled thousands of dollars from victims who believed they were donating money to charities associated with Young. One woman handed over $2,500 to the impostor, believing the money was going to a fund for sick children. Police have also alleged that Pittman, pretending to be Young, went as far as visiting terminally ill kids in hospital.

Young, when told of the arrest, expressed gratitude to Pittman for a “job well done.” “I’m glad he took up a bit of the slack. All that photos with dying kids shit really put a cramp in my style,” he said.

“But man, that brother doesn’t even look like me!”

Pittman, cashing in on ignorant white Americans

One of Pittman’s victims, a 60-year-old Baltimore lady who spoke to ThePublicApology on the condition of anonymity, said she had since lost faith in humanity.

“That’s the last time I give money to a random black guy on the street,” she said.

“I’ll admit I was slightly surprised that this man had approached me and asked me to contribute to a children’s charity – the ‘Money for Sick Kids with Cancer and AIDS’ fund, I believe it was. When I asked if I could write out a check, he said: ‘No way – straight cash, homey!’ I guess at that stage I should have realised it was a scam.”

“He said he was an NFL player – so I just handed it over. I couldn’t quite make out his face through the helmet grille, but anyone who goes to those lengths has gotta be legit.”

Young, however, has actually expressed an interest in putting Pittman on the Eagles’ payroll.

“Maybe I should hire him to do some more of the dirty work. I know for a fact [legendary NFL quarterback] Brett Favre had a couple of doubles. Man, he couldn’t be in two places at one time. He needed to get laid every now and then,” Young told ThePublicApology via phone from his palatial compound on the outskirts of Philadelphia.

“I’m thinking maybe [Pittman and I] should tag-team some shorty. Yeah, that’d be sweet. A Young spit roast… that’s where it’s at!”

It is unclear whether Favre’s infamous “cock shots” – a series of lewd phallic photos sent via cellphone to buxom sideline reporter Jenn Sterger – were in fact taken using a body double.

"See this tear here? I'm really sorry."

Meanwhile, authorities say Pittman will be extradited to DC to face charges of first-degree fraud. Young has already dispatched a team of top lawyers to represent Pittman in the hope of freeing him so that he can impersonate Young at cancer fundraiser during the week.

The drama comes as the Eagles were humiliated 29-16 by the New York Giants at Lincoln Financial Field on Sunday. Convicted felon and sometimes-quarterback Michael Vick was again forced to leave the field after suffering a hand injury during the loss. He was replaced by third-string quarterback Mike Kafka, as Vince Young was meeting with his lawyers in relation to the Pittman defence at the time.

In other NFL news, Buffalo shocked everyone by downing the Patriots 34-31 at Orchard Park on Sunday. Linebacker Chris Kelsay summed up the team’s mood, “Shit, we’re as surprised as anyone. We didn’t even train during the off-season. We just got together once a week to hit the buffet and down as many brewskies as possible,” he said in a local tavern after the game.

By Nick Gordon

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