The Public Apology to save iconic Sydney venue

The Public Apology can confirm it is in talks with a number of stage and screen stalwarts to produce a lavish sports musical – an eleventh hour bid to save Sydney’s iconic Theatre Royal, which is on the verge of folding.

Fresh doubts emerged over the future of the cultural precinct after the successful 80’s power ballad ’Rock of Ages’ musical was pulled ahead of its expected four-month season.  It is no secret that the venue has struggled in recent years from an ageing aesthetic and, prior to this intervention, no new productions were scheduled at the Royal for some 18 months.

Concerned for the future of arts in Sydney, The Public Apology approached the Royal’s managers with a last minute submission to stage the daring production – and was given full approval. The musical itself will be called ‘The Public Apology’ – a shameless attempt at cross-promotion – and will be funded solely through advertising revenue generated at the company’s homepage.

And some big names have already thrown their weight behind The Public Apology’s ambitious side-project. The Public Apology founder Dave Edwards confirmed that he had been in talks with Hollywood starlet Cate Blanchett, who is reportedly keen to make some bullshit point about censorship in art. Blanchett revealed on ABC radio earlier today her plans to appropriate former NRL centre Mark Gasnier’s infamous ‘Toey Humans’ taxi rant as a dramatic monologue, drawing references from the 1912 play Pygmalion.

'Toey Human', a modern day tragedy

“No one has ever really tackled the complex interplay between a drunk, sexually charged rugby league player on an Origin bender and a bemused, innocent woman at home in her warm cozy bed,” she told ABC host James Valentine.

“It sits alongside Hamlet and Othello as one of the greatest tragedies of all time. It is a thorough examination of the human condition – with the central character moving unheedingly to his doom. It’s a masterpiece.”

However, the fledgling sports publication’s arts foray was slammed on-air by shock jock Alan Jones this morning, with the outspoken DJ labeling the project as “an utter waste of tax payers’ money.”  Off air, however, The Public Apology can confirm that Jones in fact offered to play a part and promote the production on his 2GB radio show in exchange for discreet cash incentives.

Jones, mulling an 'acting' foray

Plans are underway to cast the 1984 Grand Slam winning coach as an grizzled 60-something football mentor, whose latent homosexuality has left him emotionally torn and forever seeking the validation of uneducated male Gen-Y athletes. Jones is currently engaging in a form of method acting alongside ex-Manly front-rower Ian Roberts at NIDA headquarters so that he can “understand the protagonist’s perspective.”

Musically, The Public Apology’s musical will consist solely of original lyrical numbers, scored by the moderately successful 90s cricket band Six and Out. The intention will be to pay tribute to those sporting elite who have been forced to face the music, ahem, for their deplorable behaviour over the years.

Unsurprisingly, critics are questioning whether the public really needs another Eddie Perfect-style musical glorifying the bad behaviour of our sports stars. Should the tale of Julian O’Neill’s ‘Poo In a Shoe’ be put to song? Does Ricky Nixon’s drug-addled underpants scene belong on the legendary Royal Theatre stage?  Are we ready to watch Hollywood actress Cate Blanchett take on the sacred words of the poet Gasnier?

So far the answer to all the above is a resounding ‘yes’.

By Luke Meredith

NBA players to pinch pennies on World Tour

The prolonged NBA lockout is forcing the competition’s highest paid athletes to count their pennies and develop a more frugal lifestyle, according to new reports.

A World Tour has just been announced, in which 18 elite NBA players will visit London, Puerto Rico, Macau and Melbourne to take part in six exhibition games. And despite reports that an Atlanta businessman will be footing the cost of the tour, it is believed that the athletes are in fact responsible for booking their own accommodation.

While that the players are set to receive between $100,000 and $1 million each for their involvement in the tour, The Public Apology understands that the athletes will be slumming it at a low-budget backpacker hostel on the corner of Flinders and Elizabeth St on the Melbourne leg.

Just $22 a night and free breakfast!

The squad will bunk down in multi-bed mixed dorms alongside a diverse, promiscuous mix of Scandinavian, British, French and German backpackers. The hostel has received a 75% approval rating from previous travellers who submitted an online review on hostelworld.com, mostly due to its complimentary breakfast and washing machine, late check-out time and “party atmosphere.”

One hostel review by ‘Anonymous’, an English male aged between 25-30, read as such:

 This is an ace hostel near to everything with all the banks and supermarkets, etc. The bar on a Thursday night is packed though be warned this is a party hostel where people start drinking around 5pm where the bar opens. The rooms can be noisy so if you’re not here to party you may get annoyed. If you are here to party you’ll have a great time!!!! Drank loads of goon here LOL!

Swigging from the 'silver pillow', a backpacker tradition

Tour manager Spike Munro told The Public Apology that most of the squad had blown their lifesavings as a result of the prolonged NBA lockout and had specifically requested downgraded accommodation for the trip. And given that the majority of players were penciled in to receive their first NBA check for season 2011/12 this November 15 – with no end to the lockout in sight – he hinted that this shoe-string lifestyle could be the future of the NBA.

“Man, you don’t understand how much these brothers were getting paid – those owners were chucking bills around like it was a Lil’ Jon video,” he said.

“I heard the Miami Heat expensed a gold encrusted dancing pole for LeBron James’ bedroom. He can’t give up that lifestyle now – he’s grown too accustomed to it!”

Lil' Jon, formerly a metaphor for the NBA

Indeed, things have changed rapidly in the space of a year for a number of highly paid NBA athletes, not least rookie sensation, Blake Griffin. Griffin, whose breakout season at the LA Clippers included winning the annual Slam Dunk competition, told The Public Apology that he had been scouring the ‘budget’ restaurant section of Lonely Planet’s ‘Australia’ for low-cost meals ahead of his stay down under.

“I’m looking forward to sampling some of the Asian delights on Newtown’s King Street,” he said.

“[The Public Apology journalist] Mike Davis told me that Thai Times II is one of the best value eateries in Sydney. Hell, I might even stick around and check out Glebe Markets that Saturday, which has been rated by Time Out and Steve Carfino as one of Sydney’s ‘Top 20’ weekend attractions.”

Griffin hopes to pick up some new aviators in Glebe

The World Tour contract is a welcome relief for New York Knicks big man Amar’e Stoudemire, who was sighted earlier this week begging for change in the Bronx. The iconic centre has also been suspected of hocking his own merchandise on eBay after a number of ‘authentic, signed Amar’e items’ were uploaded onto the online shopping website last week, including a rare set of protective goggles and a signed doctor’s certificate for his 2009 retina surgery.

It is also believed that Lakers guard Kobe Bryant is making some similarly uncharacteristic financial sacrifices. Reports suggest the future Hall of Famer has given up his expensive jewellery habit and has pledged to only drink house spirits when out on the town.

Bryant, now scouring for drink specials

However, power forward and occasional journalist Chris Bosh told The Public Apology that he had deliberately steered clear of the lockout negotiations, adding that “I’m not in this for the money.”

“It’s actually freed up a lot of time for me to pursue other more cerebral activities such as reading, painting and cooking,” the Apple acolyte said, in between updating his Twitter status on his iPad 2.

“I only agreed to this [World Tour] because I was promised the opportunity to meet with Neil Perry, Bill Grainger and Matt Moran at Rockpool. Man, just thinking about that Goats cheese tortellini with king prawns, pine nuts and raisins gets me hard.”

By Dave Edwards

Winning: sage advice for Quade Cooper

The Australian public loves a hero. We worship successful athletes like the Incas (or George Hamilton) worshiped the sun. Whether it’s a full-blown ticker-tape parade or a boozy victory song in the sheds, we love winning – and celebrating those who win. But there’s one thing we love even more than a winner – it’s a villain.

The villains in Australian sport sell just as many if not more papers than their successful, blemish-free adversaries. Ryan Tandy, Ricky Nixon, Sally Robbins, Robert Lui, Jason Akermanis, Brett Stewart – these folk have been in the papers for much longer than any successful, non-controversial athlete I can think of. And yes, I wanted to include Rebecca Wilson and Peter Roebuck in that list, but apart from being absolute villains in my mind, their complete absence of sporting or other talent prevents them from keeping such esteemed company. [Ed: While his writing style is questionable at best, Roebuck is allegedly a fierce spanker of young South African males]

Roebuck, a talented spanker

Across the Australian media, two characters have contested the undesirable spotlight for villain of the week. One a colourful yet heartless dictator who seized power of a small but powerful Arab country by way of military coup, and the other a New Zealand-born Wallaby fly half.

Before his death this week Colonel Muammar Gaddafi, aka fuzzhead (seriously), certainly fits into the Bond-style villain category. He had a team of stunning Amazonian women as bodyguards, designed and owned his very own rocket car, sported a plethora of wacky outfits, and always carried a golden gun.

Both Gaddafi and Cooper seem to be hated in spite of their flair; they’ve both been put out of action this week (one permanently), and both have extremely dubious taste (Gaddafi in clothes, Cooper in women). But that’s where the similarities end. As Cooper sits at home for the next six months recovering from knee surgery he might be asking himself why the public have branded him a villain, and what he can do to turn this image around.

Cooper's taste in women was deemed 'dubious'

As always, we at The Public Apology have some suggestions for the young fly-half:

  • Get a new manager. Khoder Nasser is an absolute bell end. Sonny Bill Williams and Anthony Mundine are the second and third most hated men in Australian sport behind you, we suggest keeping your distance. Go with someone reputable (i.e. not Max Markson).
  • Frame Berrick Barnes for something really bad, the more scandalous the better. Gang rape and girlfriend-beating have been proven as the most effective methods of career assassination.
  • Sign with a struggling NRL team. Best go with Parramatta – that way you might be forgiven for using the club in the money-grabbing bullshit that went on last pre-season.
  • Get yourself an illness. The public love an athlete bouncing back from adversity; they are willing to forgive all discrepancies if, like Lance Armstrong, you’re sick enough to lose a testicle.
ave
'Just a cheeky bulking sesh before I hit the Pyrenees'

And if all these fail, accept that you’ll always be hated and likely end up spending your final days hiding in a drain pipe. Go and get yourself a smoking hot pack of cheerleaders to follow you round and aid as protection from annoying sports journalists.

And maybe even splash out on some kind of super car, the odd safari suit and a pair of golden boots.

By Luke Meredith