Russian winger lives up to promise, eats Radike Samo

Russian winger Vladimir Ostroushko has been arrested and subsequently charged following the murder and consumption of Australian forward and makeshift winger Radike Samo.

And the bizarre incident is likely to affect Samo’s chances of lining up in Sunday’s do-or-die quarter-final against South Africa, given he is slowly making his way through Ostroushko’s digestive system.

Ostroushko vowed to “eat” Samo before the Wallabies thrashed the Russians 68-22 in Nelson in what was at first thought to be a case of lost in translation.

“I’m not going to be scared. I’m going to eat him tomorrow,” the Russian growled in front of huddled reporters.

After arguably outplaying his more heralded opponent, one would have thought that should have been enough for the 94kg livewire. But being a man of his word, Ostroushko snuck into the Wallabies camp and lured Samo away by saying a group of Russian fans were dying to meet him.

It was in fact Samo who would be dying.

The Russian flyer shown working up a huge appetite

The exact details of the death are unclear but he was apparently heavily garnished in garlic and rosemary and left to roast for 2 hours at 220 degrees Celsius.

Served with potatoes and a fruity Syrah from the Hawkes Bay Gimblett Gravels Sub-region he was understandably delectable.

However, MasterChef host Matt Preston said that Ostroushko had committed a “cardinal sin” in plating up the Fijian-born Samo.

“It’s certainly an impressive effort, but I seriously question the decision to roast Samo for a mere two hours,” Preston told ThePublicApology.

“I’d have slow-roasted him for six hours, but only after sequestering him in an overnight marinade – just so the meat begins to fall off the bones.”

Preston declined a “taste test” of Samo’s remains, which are being held as evidence in Nelson ahead of Ostroushko’s trial.

In an unusual bonding session, the Russian team devoured Samo together

Ostroushko was arrested as the Russian team checked out of their hotel with their World Cup campaign having come to an end.

He faces several charges, but will not be charged with cannibalism as Samo is actually a God and the Catholics have been eating theirs for years.

He will still however face the severe charge of Dei-cide and no doubt be shitting out an enormous amount of frizzy hair for weeks.

By Al McClintock

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