On the eve of their semi-final clash with New Zealand, the Wallabies squad has been rocked by accusations that its coach and star playmaker are in fact working for the opposition.
An anonymous source contacted The Public Apology some months ago and after an in-depth investigation we can exclusively reveal that both Robbie Deans and Quade Cooper were hired several years ago by affluent New Zealand businessmen (there are two) to infiltrate the Wallabies camp and derail their World Cup campaign.
‘Sheep-throat’, as he introduced himself, explained: “We felt we had no option. TheNew Zealandspirit and economy just couldn’t take another hit like after the last five [World Cups].”
“We acted as patriots. We felt we would be vindicated when Richie lifted ‘Bill’ at home in front of his fellow New Zealanders.”
The plot has in fact been years in the making.
Identified as New Zealand’s brightest and best, Cooper was shipped over as a fourteen year old to not only take one of the country’s most coveted jobs, but also seduce one of its most longed-for women.
Records reveal that, at the time of entry to Australia, Cooper possessed the astonishing IQ of 187 and was fluent in three languages. Six months later he was the mumbling incoherent criminal we know now.
[Ed: Suggestions have been made that he spent the initial six months in an intensive Sydney acting school, but TPA has been unable to confirm this.]
Being a naturally gifted footballer, Cooper had to unlearn basic skills like tackling, ball control, decision making, and not isolating yourself from team-mates when facing three defenders in front of your own line.
He handled his training with aplomb, but still shows moments of his true brilliance in a smoke and mirror tactic employed to confuse the Australian public.
“Well he can’t be completely awful all the time can he? People would start to notice,” the source said. “We let him take the Reds to the Super-15 crown. I mean, who really cares about it anyway?”
With Cooper in place, the placement of the man to bring him in began. This should have been the tricky part, but as Sheep-throat revealed, it was all too easy.
“We thought we’d have to bribe a coach or somebody on the board, but then they just went and offered Robbie the job. We couldn’t believe it!”
There are grumblings, however, that Deans may not be keeping up his end of the bargain.
“When we put him in there we told him to play his part convincingly, but we said nothing about winning the Tri-Nations or even making the World Cup semi-final for that matter!”
“We would have been quite happy for them to not pass the Pool stages.”
So why has Sheep-Throat rolled so close to their plan coming to fruition?
“Well when Robbie started to wobble, the whole thing started to take on a whole new shape. There were talks about threatening his family and it started to become sinister and ugly and more about coming up with fresh and disgusting methods of vengeance and less about just messing with the Aussies.”
“Plus, I am in love with Will Genia. Have you seen him up close? He is a beautiful man… He deserves to win the World Cup. I just want to watch him dribble that victor’s champagne all over his dark rippling chest…”
Australia watch out (Will Genia especially). For the enemy is closer than you think.
By Al McClintock