NZ police braced for choke that never came

New Zealand’s police force stood armed and ready for another All Blacks choke in a World Cup semi-final, but thankfully it never came.

The Public Apology can reveal that NZ Police Commissioner Peter Marshall had beefed up security to the tune of NZ$2 million during the World Cup in anticipation of New Zealand crashing out before the final.

The additional measures included deploying heavily armed special forces in town centres – particularly in the South Auckland vicinity – to deal with senseless mass rioting. Marshall had also sent some 400 additional police officers into the Eden Park stadium after half-time last night to protect defenceless Australian spectators in the unlikely event that the Wallabies staged a late comeback.

NZ police were ready

In addition, a ‘Lifeline’-style call centre – tagged ‘RugbyLine’ – had been established to help shattered All Blacks diehards deal with the heartache of another World Cup choke. The Public Apology can also confirm that hundreds of negotiation specialists had been stationed at New Zealand’s most notorious suicide hotspots to talk depressed Kiwi rugby fans off the ledge.

Marshall said the NZ$2 million price tag was “a sound investment in the interests of the nation.”

“We did everything we could to prepare New Zealanders – and the unfortunate fans of whoever happened to be playing the Kiwis – in the very likely event that the All Blacks suffered another heartbreaking loss in an important tournament fixture,” he said.

“I even called all the TV networks and told them to under no circumstances schedule the movie Once Were Warriors directly after the game, which in the past has provoked copycat-style domestic violence following an All Blacks defeat.”

“And it paid off – All Black-related murders, suicides and domestic assaults were at an all time low last night.”

Marshall told The Public Apology that only one person contacted the newly established ‘RugbyLine’ call centre last night threatening suicide.

“We just told the caller, ‘look, Quade, I know things are tough right now, but you’ll get through this one’.”

“The caller hung up… I’m not sure what happened after that.”

By Dave Edwards

 

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  1. [update 11:52am, Friday 21 October]

    The Public Apology can confirm that Commissioner Marshall will deploy a further 2,000 police in the form of plain clothes spectators and pub patrons this Sunday to negate possible violence.

    In addition, all New Zealand fire-stations have been placed on high alert in the event of a mass burning of All Blacks jerseys, which are surprisingly flammable.

    Dave Edwards
    Chief Editor, The Public Apology
    dave@thepublicapology.net

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