The Public Apology can confirm it is in talks with a number of stage and screen stalwarts to produce a lavish sports musical – an eleventh hour bid to save Sydney’s iconic Theatre Royal, which is on the verge of folding.
Fresh doubts emerged over the future of the cultural precinct after the successful 80’s power ballad ’Rock of Ages’ musical was pulled ahead of its expected four-month season. It is no secret that the venue has struggled in recent years from an ageing aesthetic and, prior to this intervention, no new productions were scheduled at the Royal for some 18 months.
Concerned for the future of arts in Sydney, The Public Apology approached the Royal’s managers with a last minute submission to stage the daring production – and was given full approval. The musical itself will be called ‘The Public Apology’ – a shameless attempt at cross-promotion – and will be funded solely through advertising revenue generated at the company’s homepage.
And some big names have already thrown their weight behind The Public Apology’s ambitious side-project. The Public Apology founder Dave Edwards confirmed that he had been in talks with Hollywood starlet Cate Blanchett, who is reportedly keen to make some bullshit point about censorship in art. Blanchett revealed on ABC radio earlier today her plans to appropriate former NRL centre Mark Gasnier’s infamous ‘Toey Humans’ taxi rant as a dramatic monologue, drawing references from the 1912 play Pygmalion.
“No one has ever really tackled the complex interplay between a drunk, sexually charged rugby league player on an Origin bender and a bemused, innocent woman at home in her warm cozy bed,” she told ABC host James Valentine.
“It sits alongside Hamlet and Othello as one of the greatest tragedies of all time. It is a thorough examination of the human condition – with the central character moving unheedingly to his doom. It’s a masterpiece.”
However, the fledgling sports publication’s arts foray was slammed on-air by shock jock Alan Jones this morning, with the outspoken DJ labeling the project as “an utter waste of tax payers’ money.” Off air, however, The Public Apology can confirm that Jones in fact offered to play a part and promote the production on his 2GB radio show in exchange for discreet cash incentives.
Plans are underway to cast the 1984 Grand Slam winning coach as an grizzled 60-something football mentor, whose latent homosexuality has left him emotionally torn and forever seeking the validation of uneducated male Gen-Y athletes. Jones is currently engaging in a form of method acting alongside ex-Manly front-rower Ian Roberts at NIDA headquarters so that he can “understand the protagonist’s perspective.”
Musically, The Public Apology’s musical will consist solely of original lyrical numbers, scored by the moderately successful 90s cricket band Six and Out. The intention will be to pay tribute to those sporting elite who have been forced to face the music, ahem, for their deplorable behaviour over the years.
Unsurprisingly, critics are questioning whether the public really needs another Eddie Perfect-style musical glorifying the bad behaviour of our sports stars. Should the tale of Julian O’Neill’s ‘Poo In a Shoe’ be put to song? Does Ricky Nixon’s drug-addled underpants scene belong on the legendary Royal Theatre stage? Are we ready to watch Hollywood actress Cate Blanchett take on the sacred words of the poet Gasnier?
So far the answer to all the above is a resounding ‘yes’.
By Luke Meredith
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Note: We are currently seeking cast members for our rugby league musical extravaganza. All inquiries can be made at firstname.lastname@example.org, or on this comments page. All male applicants must be able to bench 100kg.
Chief Editor, The Public Apology