Indianapolis mayor bans NFL team from town

Indianapolis mayor Greg Ballard has taken the extraordinary step of refusing to let the Colts return home following the team’s humiliating defeat at the hands of the New Orleans Saints.

The red-hot Saints crushed the Colts 62-7 in one of the most lopsided games of the NFL season. The defeat leaves Indianapolis with seven straight losses.

Mayor Ballard was quick to take action following the latest embarrassing defeat. “They’re not getting back inside the city limits. I don’t care where they go, but they will never be allowed to disgrace the good name of this city ever again,” the mayor told ThePublicApology from his command post at Indianapolis International Airport.

Ballard: 'They're ruining our good name'

Meanwhile, Ballard has directed local and state law enforcement officials to guard the city against the Colts. The mayor also took the unusual step of encouraging city residents to take up arms against a possible incursion of the team.

“I encourage all proud citizens to dust off their firearms and patrol the city limits. My orders are, if you see anyone wearing Colts’ clothing, whether they be players, officials or even administrative staff, to shoot to kill, and then to quickly dispose of the bodies.”

'You play for the Colts, fat ass?'

Mayor Ballard has also reportedly been in contact with Indiana Governor Mitchell E Daniels Jr about the possibility of enforcing a state-wide ban on the team.

Colts’ staff in New Orleans appeared unsurprised by the turn of the events and have reportedly dusted off plans to seek asylum in another US city. Their charter jet was due to take off two hours after the game, but this has been postponed as officials consider their next move.

Several cities without football teams are believed to be negotiating with Colts as the team prepares to seek asylum. The front-runner appears to be Los Angeles, who has suffered the ignominy of being without an NFL franchise since the Raiders returned to Oakland in 1995.

Wire reports suggest Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa has been in contact with Colts’ management following the team’s refusal to be let back into Indianapolis.

'This team would finally put LA on the map'

“We don’t care that they’re rubbish. Or that they play like a bunch of school girls. We just want to be on TV,” Mayor Villaraigosa reportedly told local news outlets late Sunday night.

“What’s embarrassing, is that these stupid hick towns – your Green Bays, Jacksonvilles and Tampa Bays – have football teams. Hell, even Oakland has a football team. I mean, have you ever been to Oakland? It’s just crap. We might rival that city in terms of gang-violence, but that’s where the similarity ends,” the mayor went on to say.

By Nick Gordon

Exclusive: Deano remembers Gaddafi

Thousands of jubilant Libyans are dancing in the streets to the news that Muammar Gaddafi has been killed in his hometown of Sirte. But amid these rapturous scenes of celebration, one Australian legend is pausing to reflect on an icon that, unbeknownst to many, changed the face of modern cricket.

Former Australian cricketer Dean Jones has revealed to The Public Apology that he met with the Libyan leader in Tripoli during the off-season of 1987. He described the dictator as a charming conversationalist with some surprisingly progressive views on cricket.

“My wife [Jane] and I were strolling around the Tripoli markets (not the oil ones) looking for some authentic arts and crafts, when I heard a booming voice from behind me, saying ‘Deano, over here!’,” he said.

“Thinking it was probably some generic Australian bogan who wanted to ramble on about my historic 200 in Madras, I braced myself to tell the fucker to get lost. But I turned around and, shit, it was the Colonel himself!”

Gaddafi's look would soon reach the Mercantile Mutual cup

Jones said that Gaddafi, an unlikely cricket tragic, invited him to his mansion for a few beers and a big bowl of couscous before engaging the former top-order batsman in “an intellectual discussion that centred around the future of One Day cricket.”

“This was 1987, remember, and World Series cricket had come to an end nearly a decade earlier,” Jones said.

“Something needed to be done to re-engage the audience. Gaddafi told me that I, as the most marketable Australian cricketer in the modern game, could be the one to bring about that change. And not just through my aggressive running between the wickets, but something more tangible.”

According to Jones, Gaddafi said the game needed to be “modernised and re-energised.” And it was the stylish politician who first advised the 52-test legend to test out sunglasses on the playing field – a look which was eventually to become his trademark.

The stylish Gaddafi look would later be bastardised by mainstream bogans

“He suggested I don the sunglasses – and to be honest, I wasn’t so sure about it, you know, with all the running in the outfield that we do,” Jones said.

“He casually slipped a pair of gold-rimmed aviator Oakley’s into my hand as we left and whispered gently into my ear: ‘wear these, and the sponsors will go nuts’.”

“It took a while to get the courage to wear them in a game, but I eventually tried them out in a domestic ODI against NSW in 1988. Some of the boys thought that the gold rims were a bit brash, so I stripped them off and just went with the conventional Oakley’s.”

“People call me a trend-setter, the Godfather of modern One Day cricket – but to honest, it was all Muammar’s idea.”

“He also came up with the concept of wearing [lip] zinc in day-night fixtures where the threat of sun damage is negligible.”

Signing a copy of Dean Jones' lengthy autobiography: 'My Call'

Jones lamented the passing of Gaddafi and said that he would push for the creation of a Libyan national cricket team in homage to the long-serving leader, putting his hand up for the coaching role.

“I’ll drill into them the little things – you know, running between the wickets, keeping the ball shined on one side throughout the innings, giving lots of encouragement to the bowler.”

“It would be what Gaddafi wanted,” he added.

Meanwhile, interim Prime Minister Mahmoud Jibril told The Public Apology that while it was too early to entertain thoughts of a Libyan cricket team, a national side could be a possibility in a few years time in a “united Libya.”

“One people, one future, one cricket team. I’m not ruling anything out,” he said.

By Dave Edwards

Faith Hill vows not to repeat Hank Williams Jr’s slur

Faith Hill has assured NBC that she will not jeopardise her relationship with the network by making any divisive political comments. The statement comes following the dramatic axing of singer Hank Williams Jr’s theme song from Monday Night Football broadcasts.

ESPN cut the song, which has opened the show for the past twenty years, and any association with Williams, following remarks the singer made on Fox News comparing a golf game between President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner to a golf game between Adolf Hitler and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.

He went on to say of President Obama and Vice President Joe Biden: “They’re the enemy.”

Nazi slurs: the trademark of the unevolved political mind

But Hill, 44, who performs the Sunday Night Football theme song that opens the broadcast on NBC, vowed not to make the same mistake as Williams.

“Be rest assured. I didn’t get where I am by knowing anything about politics. Or by having an opinion about anything. I’m all about making extremely crap country music,” Hill told ThePublicApology from her Nashville home.

NBC Sports chief Mark Lazarus also reassured Sunday Night Football fans: “She knows nobody wants to hear anything about what she thinks.”

“She was chosen to perform the theme song because she’s hot, white and got big tits. Any other considerations pale in comparison to that,” Lazarus told ThePublicApology from his yacht.

Hill: A genuine triple threat

Sunday Night Football play-by-play announcer Al Michaels and colour-man Cris Collinsworth were also quick to release statements assuring fans they wouldn’t be making any controversial remarks about politics. Their statements were prompted by Hill’s remarks, and accusations they’ve been drifting off topic during recent Sunday Night Football broadcasts.

Two weeks ago during the clash between Atlanta and Green Bay, Michaels and Collinsworth spent much of the third-quarter discussing literature. Collinsworth professed his love for The Great Gatsby, while Michaels countered that the novel was over-rated and that the greatest American novel was The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain.

“You cannot be serious,” a passionate Collinsworth countered. “You like a kids book over one of the most exhaustive examinations of the American Dream in the history of literature?”

The NBC displays a literary bias towards 20th Century American fiction

The heated literary discussion went on for several more minutes, prompting many fans to switch channels.

Joe Gropp of Straw Hills, Ohio, when asked about the non-football related digression, expressed a common sentiment: “It didn’t faze me, to be honest.”

“Those two eggheads have contributed little to my understanding of the game anyway. Most Sunday nights, I just put the pictures on and turn down the sound.”

By Nick Gordon