Collingwood takes punt on Moneghetti, de Castella

Collingwood has taken the extreme measure of recruiting aging marathon runners Steve Moneghetti and Robert de Castella in an audacious bid for the 2012 AFL premiership.

The Public Apology understands that the middle-aged athletes – who have no prior Australian rules experience – have both been locked into a 23 season contract valued at some A$20 million in total. And while it is not known where the players will line up on the field, some are speculating that they will play a “running role” – whatever the fuck that means.

Collingwood recruiting manager Derek Hine said the decision to scout the legendary marathon duo was not taken lightly.

“Football isn’t about kicking, handpassing, gathering possessions or tackling anymore; it’s just about being able to run non-stop for four fucking quarters,” he said.

Monaghetti, may play a tagging role at the Magpies

“We are reasonably certain that Monners and Deeks will be able to see us out until the 2035 season. Whether they’ll actually rack up any possessions over the next 23 seasons is utterly irrelevant in modern footy.”

Hine added that Monaghetti could even turn out to be the buy of the year.

“I mean, have you seen him lately? Geez, he looks like [former Czech tennis star] Petr Korda – so gaunt and frail, looks like he’s got some form of eating disorder. Perfect build for AFL.”

Korda, perfect AFL build

De Castella told The Public Apology that he was “champing at the bit” to pull on a Collingwood guernsey.

“Yeah, it’s gonna be fucking awesome. I’ve been taking heaps of Centrum multi-vitamins over the past decade, too, so that’ll definitely help with my recovery and general feeling of vitality and wellbeing.”

The move comes following the news that Geelong had recruited 20-year-old middle distance runner Mark Blicavs, a 198cm athlete currently in training for the steeplechase event at the 2012 London Olympics. Blicavs has not played football since the age of 14 and will spend the summer combining both athletics and football training.

And The Public Apology understands that other clubs are mulling similar moves to recruit long distance runners.

Greater Western Sydney coach Kevin Sheedy is believed to have begun talks with famed Kenyan gold medalist Haile Gebrselassie. The idea, according to Sheedy, is to have the 10 kilometre specialist run anti-clockwise laps for four quarters straight on the off-chance the ball comes his way.

Gebrselassie, may be seen in GWS colours soon

“We’ll just get him running laps, barefoot, around the ‘G’ – these bloody Africans love a good run,” he said.

“If he racks up a few possessions then good luck to him. But that’s not what AFL is about, is it? It’s about having a ‘good engine’ and being able to avoid body contact with other players while impressing statisticians with the number of kilometres you rack up per game.”

“We’ve had [former NRL star] Israel Folau on a rigorous training program since we recruited him – and he’s fucking unrecognisable now. Weighs 38 kilos. He’ll be able to run all day.”

“Ideally, the team would be comprised solely of Kenyans – that’s something we’ll look to in the future. Shit, that’ll get us under the salary cap every year – no more rorting!”

By Dave Edwards

Geelong’s Josh Hunt finds love on the Kokoda

It was billed as the caddish behaviour of a sexually charged footballer, but has quickly emerged as a modern love story.

Geelong star Josh Hunt has ditched Ellie Pearson, his girlfriend of five years, for a Queensland girl that he met on a Kokoda Track adventure tour. In an email to work colleagues, Pearson said that the footballer had dumped her for his new love interest just days after the ex-lovers had enjoyed a romantic getaway in Hawaii. The email promptly went viral after friends forwarded it on with relish – and the break-up was officially made public in a Herald Sun article.

It is just one of many bogan love stories believed to have emerged on Papua New Guinea’s historic trail in recent years.

Where it all began...

The treacherous 96 kilometre track was the setting for the epic World War II battle between Japanese and Australian forces in 1942. In recent years it has become somewhat of a bogan magnet for Australians seeking to “get in touch with their roots”, not to mention a popular location for emotionally overwhelmed men to propose engagement to their girlfriends.

The Kokoda Track is a popular pre-season challenge for footballers, with many modern coaches and team leaders using the hike as a team building exercise. During the football offseason, AFL players are said to account for some 80% of Kokoda tourists. Shockingly, some athletes are even known to have returned to Australia with a heightened sense of history following the adventure.

Sheedy, a keen historian

Hunt is believed to have been particularly moved by the occasion. Fresh off a frivolous holiday with his girlfriend of five years, the Geelong star relished the chance to learn about the nation’s war history and the battle that, according to many, “saved Australia.”

While the ‘Kokoda Adventure Experience’ company provided Hunt and his fellow trekkers with boots, ample food, shelter, blankets, first aid kits and a handful of skilled guides to carry their luggage for them, the hike was still no walk in the park. Hunt and the unknown woman forged a bond in the oppressive conditions as they cuddled next to the campfire, listening to Jimmy Barnes and John Farnham on Hunt’s iPod. And, with the ghosts of Australian war heroes watching over them in approval, thus began a bogan love story.

Taking in Shannon Noll's 'What About Me' before a well-earned rest

Meanwhile, the scandal been seized upon by AFL CEO Andrew Demetriou as a “wonderful human interest story.” Demetriou told The Public Apology that it made for a refreshing change from the usual sordid AFL headlines, in the sense that no woman was sexually assaulted, bashed or raped.

“I’m so glad that Josh has been able to find love – and on the Kokoda, of all places, how wonderful!” a playful Demetriou said.

“I’m usually watering down all sorts of gang rape allegations around November and December, so it’s a nice change to be able to talk about the blossoming love life of one of the AFL’s brightest stars.”

"This is a fucking good yarn!"

“This continues the AFL’s strong association with Kokoda and the ANZAC spirit. Forget that he’s cheated on his missus, this is a fucking good yarn!”

The Public Apology understands that the ABC will feature an episode of Australian Story on the Kokoda romance to coincide with the start of the AFL season.

By Dave Edwards

Kyle Sandilands accepts grassroots netball gig

Kyle Sandilands has accepted an olive branch from Netball Australia to take on the unlikely role of grassroots ambassador for the code, following his bizarre verbal attack on a News Ltd journalist.

Sandilands is in damage control after his on-air offensive – in which he described Ali Stephenson as a “fat slag” among other witticisms – saw him trend on Twitter under the hash-tag #vilekyle and attract the vitriol of several online commentators’ bile.

The Public Apology can confirm that Sandilands was approached by Netball Australia to appear as an ambassador at several school carnivals over the summer months and head up a series of local fundraising initiatives for grassroots netball, pro bono. He will also play in a number of charity events specifically designed to highlight his comparative lack of athleticism and publicly humiliate him.

Kyle playing it low key

Speaking on his morning breakfast show, the shock jock denied allegations that he was a career misogynist, telling listeners that he had a great appreciation for the ladies.

“My superiors won’t like me saying this, but it’s a little known fact that each weekend I take the time to listen to Anne Sargeant call all the NSW Swifts games on ABC Grandstand Sport,” he said.

A 2DayFM insider, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told The Public Apology that the Netball Australia deal was a good chance for Sandilands to “get a bit of positive PR going and possibly lose a bit of weight in the process.”

“I can’t wait to watch that ugly little no-talent fuckwit waddle his fat arse up and down the court. It’s going to make for some great headlines,” he added.

"a no-talent fuckwit"

The Public Apology understands that Sandilands’ new role comes with the proviso that he not refer to any of the youngsters as slags or enquire whether they have been raped or not.

By Dave Edwards