Several Manchester suburbs were evacuated and emergency services called in to what authorities first feared was a terrorist attack, then escalating football violence – before realising it was simply Mario Balotelli and his penchant for fireworks.
The City of Manchester Stadium almost burned to the ground after Balotelli had been showing off his latest collection of Bottle Rockets and Roman Candles after a rigorous practice involving drills on how to dive and/or get your opponent red-carded.
Hundreds rushed to the scene and, in the traditional English fire fighting method, began spitting, urinating and pouring pints of lager over the flames.
In a city once divided but now united through the shared hatred of Carlos Tevez, red and blue shirts could both be seen working together in the throng – although one Red Devils fan was seen near the flames stoically pissing in the opposite direction.
Mayor of Manchester and avid City fan, Liam Gallagher, commented from Panama mid-cocaine binge: “What do I care? Balotelli can do what he wants as long as keeps scoring goals. Just build another one… and if you speak to Noel tell that dishonourable cunt to get the band back together, I’m running out of blow.”
Balotelli defended his actions in an official statement released by the club: “This city is so fucking boring, what the hell else am I supposed to do? To a man, woman and child they are minging. If I can’t have sex with it, I may as well blow it up – that has always been my motto.”
Manchester City remains on top of the Barclays Premier League and are firm favourites to win the championship this year, but this latest Balotelli indiscretion may give the rest of the competition more hope.
Tottenham Hotspur Manager Harry Redknapp was heard talking to an infamous arms dealer in a London hotel this week saying, “Whatever Balotelli wants – get it.”
“Put a big fucking bow on it and send it to his house with a note saying ‘Love Redders. Go fucking nuts!’”
“Maybe he’ll blow up those cunts from Old Trafford too.”
By Al McClintock