Equatorial Guinean swimming sensation Eric Moussambani Malonga – affectionately known as Eric “The Eel” – has announced he will return to the pool following Ian Thorpe’s underwhelming return to the world arena.
Known primarily for dispelling the myth that black people can’t swim, Malonga contacted The Public Apology from his home in Malabo where he has resumed training in the hope of qualifying for London 2012.
“I’m coming back baby!” He screamed from the exclusive, world’s first ‘swingers’ resort for eels’ he has been constructing since his retirement in 2004.
“If that powder-puff can do it, I can do it!”
In what will no doubt be an intriguing battle for seventh in Heat Nine, swim-fans worldwide now have something more to look forward to then seeing how many bongs Michael Phelps will suck down after yet another eight-medal haul.
After being denied entry into the 2004 Olympics – which he said was due to “inherent racism by those spic Greeks – they hated me because I am an Anguilliform [take the shape of an eel]” – Eric retired gracefully from the sport. He took to the construction of his eel-swinger-sanctuary where fellow part-anguilliforms could “get their rocks off” free from prying, judgmental eyes.
“If you were to have sex with an eel it would be gross, but me? No. It is natural,” he explained.
“There is nothing quite as sensual as a fully matured eel circling your genitals and traveling up your anus. It is a sensation that will motivate me in the pool.”
“If I win, I will be king of the eels, and have my pick of lovers.”
Meanwhile, Ian Thorpe has yet to comment on this effective ‘throw-down’, but denied (without any prompting) that his own comeback was motivated by fashion industry debts.
Towards the end of a phone interview with The Public Apology, Thorpe groaned: “I’m doing it because I love sport.”
“Armani shoes have no re-sale value…” he was heard mumbling as the receiver clicked.
By Al McClintock