A man walks into a bar, naked, covered in blood and dripping wet… It sounds like the start of a joke, except in this instance the punch line is literally that – the said man punches a patron who attempts to help him, and then another in the back of the head, before storming a stage, where (and this part is speculation) he begins a stirring rendition of Meatloaf’s You Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth.
Oh Zac Guildford. Where have you been all our lives?
In light of this exceptional behaviour The Public Apology would like to announce the unveiling of the highly prestigious Guildford Awards.
Awarded monthly, they will pay tribute to the outstanding off-field performances (or even on, depending on the circumstances) of the less polished athletes that we love not so much for their God-like ability in the sporting arena, but for their freakish capacity for sucking back seventeen schooners and finding new and creative ways of making hotel maids clean up their poo.
To be announced at the end of each month, the victors will receive an engraved golden replica of “Schlossy’s shoe” to mark the date, time and event that they found their own little place in all of our hearts.
November is nearing an end. Will some wonderful individual pip Guildford at the post in claiming his inaugural award? God let’s hope so…
By Al McClintock