New International Kabbadi Board to host ‘Dirty’ Cup

In light of the debacle that was the Kabbadi World Cup in Northern India, the sport’s newly established peak body has pledged sweeping changes across the sport – including the legalising of doping and the arguably more drastic step of banning ‘clean’ players.

The somewhat rustic sport that combines elements of rugby, wrestling and good old fashioned tag (or ‘tiggy’ as this reporter remembers it) was rocked this month when upwards of 34 players tested positive to banned substances and countless more refused to give samples.

The dramas led to both the Australian and U.S. teams being withdrawn from the competition and one tiny-testicled competitor to bemoan “what gives?” before hurling a Gatorade cooler at an unsuspecting family of five.

With competitors simply not expecting to be tested they indulged in an orgy of anabolic steroids, blood, testosterone and diet pills from their mums prior to the competition and were shocked when asked to provide urine samples.

"You're looking a bit chubby today, Shane"

“At first we thought it was just a religious thing,” an anonymous participant confessed. “We were in India – lots of crazy religions. We thought they just wanted the urine of a warrior to pour on their kids or something.”

Not so, and who knows what would have happened if such highly charged urine was poured on a developing child? Bruce Banner, anyone?

With no one now caring who actually wins the cup, the newly formed International Kabbadi Board is aiming to hold a second cup with every player to be tested. Those found not to have indulged in some sort of performance enhancing or illicit drug are to be taken aside, severely reprimanded, and kicked out of the sport.

The face of the Kabbadi World Cup 2012

“We just want the highest quality of competition available to us,” IKB president-elect Omar Tullibor said.

“If some Larry Dooley isn’t on the same level as the other blokes, what’s the point? I personally want to fear for a referee’s safety, or a journalist’s as he interviews a player post-match. If there isn’t a good chance a players going to fly of the handle and try and stab somebody with his own broken arm what’s the point?”

The ‘dirty’ cup is tentatively scheduled for early next year, with International Waters about the only viable location.

By Al McClintock

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