Scobee blames deer burgers for bizarre Twitter tirade

Jacksonville kicker Josh Scobee has landed himself in hot water following a derogatory Twitter rant directed at Eagles’ wide receiver DeSean Jackson.

After calling Jackson a ‘punk’ and using the hashtag ‘#growuputinybastard’, Scobee was later forced to apologise for his rant. Following his volte-face, the Jag’s kicker revealed that the incident started because he was feeling unwell after consuming several deer burgers.

The offending burger

The saga began when Jackson made a stunning 50-yard reception during the Sunday night clash between Philadelphia and New York. Following the play, Jackson, while running out-of-bounds, tossed the football at Giants’ players and taunted them with several offensive statements.

Sources within the Giants have told ThePublicApology that Jackson said words to the effect of “Hey, how do you like that one, fat asses?” Other onlookers have confirmed Jackson followed with the bizarre statement, “stick that up your big apples.”

Jackson was immediately penalised for taunting, and the 50-yard reception was nullified by an offsetting penalty committed by the Giants during the same play – meaning that down had to be replayed.

Jackson, prone to mixed metaphors

Watching the game from his Jacksonville trailer, Josh Scobee was quick to register his disgust with Jackson’s tactics, “Desean Jackson is a punk. #growuputinybastard.”

Seconds later Scobee justified the comment to his legions of followers: “Relax people. He’s just a punk, which to me means he doesn’t respect anyone or anything around him. Therefore, I don’t respect him.”

After checking his Twitter feed from the sideline, Jackson countered Scobee’s invective in trademark style: “This man @joshscobee is Waaaaaaay outta Line!!, Stick to ya Own business.. Mind ya own!! I don’t respect what u sayin.. Lil Boi status.”

Later, a humble Scobee tweeted, “Shouldn’t have called Desean Jackson that. I used the wrong words to try and make my point.” The kicker then revealed the source of his dark mood, which apparently led to the outburst, “Just enjoyed some deer burgers off the grill.”

Straight outta the abbatoir...

Several Jacksonville-area butchers contacted by the ThePublicApology refused to comment as to whether they were the source of the dodgy venison. One insider who did speak candidly revealed that “yep, there has been some roadkill going around.”

“Normally nobody cares; people who buy that grade of meat usually do so to feed it to animals. Although, I have heard that some lowly-ranked NFL kickers buy it from time to time.”

Jaguar’s coach Jack Del Rio said that Scobee is unlikely to face disciplinary action over the Twitter incident. However NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said that the league will launch an investigation into the use of popular social networking sites such as Twitter by kickers, punters and place holders.

“I just cannot believe that anybody would want to know what they think,” said Goodell.

By Nick Gordon

Samoan rugby manager cops 100 pig fine

Samoan rugby manager Tuala Matthew Vaea is pleading for leniency after his village slapped him with a 100 pig fine for alleged bad behaviour during the 2011 Rugby World Cup.

Samoan captain Mahonri Schwalger accused Vaea and other Samoan officials of treating the recent tournament like a “massive boozy holiday with mates” and sent a report to Prime Minister Tuilaepa Sa’ilele Malielegaoi complaining of unprofessionalism.

The fine of 100 female pigs was handed down to the manager by Leauva’a elders on the basis that the allegations had tarnished his “chiefly title.”

The Public Apology understands that the Samoan manager has just 37 pigs – none of them female – in his ownership (NZ$925) and will need to come to an agreement with the village on a monthly pig payment plan if he is to avoid a corporal punishment sentence.

Meanwhile, the Samoan Pig is trading at $0.06 against the Greenback at time of publishing.

By Dave Edwards

Dear Media, let’s get the facts straight

So Peter Roebuck is dead.

Great shame – the bloke could write.

But what now? At present much mystery surrounds his death. No doubt soon the dirty details will all stream out like the legendary hot Indian curry the following morning, some of it will be true, some of it will be not so true (although an Indian curry never lies to you), most of it will probably never really be confirmed or denied.

But that is not the point of this article.

Already as the dust settles, journalists and bloggers alike are now turning against the late Mr. Roebuck. They are also seizing on other news sources for apparently “protecting” a renowned “sexual predator”.

One blog, which I refuse to name lest someone Google it and give them the satisfaction of another hit, lambasts both Mr. Roebuck and his employers at Fairfax, citing “widespread gossip in media circles” as one of its sources. Widespread media gossip? Since when has “gossip” been enough for an employer to take action against an employee? “Oh I’m sorry Marie, we heard from Ronnie who heard from Jan that you and Justin were shagging on my desk while Daisy filmed. We haven’t seen the tape, and Ronnie’s renowned for exaggeration, but… you’re fired… just in case it’s true.”

Rampant gossip, now grounds for dismissal

It is simply unreasonable to suggest that Fairfax could have taken any action. And if somebody is good at their job, but has a questionable private life that in no way affects their performance or credibility within that line of work, should an employer really act at all? In short, no – and especially not when a lot of it is mere hearsay. I am no workplace lawyer but one would think that is grounds for unfair dismissal. Whack jobs need jobs as well. Are you going to put anybody with an antisocial quirk out of work and on to the dole? Or are you against them getting any government handout as well? So they’ll have to turn tricks in a back alley to make ends meet, but then anybody who turns to these people for sexual gratification is also unworthy of employment! So these people have no paying clients and no way of making an income and are forced to turn to crime, or simply just eating other degenerates in order to survive. Is that what you want? Quirky people cannibalising, fucking and stealing all through our streets? Think about what you’re suggesting!

Cannibalism, discussed on day two of the federal government's media inquiry

The blog in question then had the gall to use the term “pedophile” in relation to Roebuck, though it did in fairness clarify that this may not be “the right word for him technically” given none of his alleged victims were under the age of eighteen. Not the right word “technically”? Why say it then? I’m not technically a clay-animation character of Postman Pat. There, I said it. Glad that’s off my chest! I would say this is pretty much tantamount to David Gallop comparing Melbourne Storm fans to terrorists. Something which, if I could be bothered trawling through the archives to find, this blog would no doubt have crucified him for. To use the term pedophile in reference to anybody in a public forum without a shred of evidence should almost be a gaolable offence. That is slander in its highest form. Nothing quite wrecks a bloke’s reputation like telling the world he fucks kids. It’s a hard one to come back from. People guilty of genocide seem to get a better run in the media than pedophiles.

Faceless bloggers are becoming increasingly influential

Finally, this pithy, pathetic cretin of a writer uses the following “truth” to further smear the deceased journalist: “The Times of South Africa reports that Roebuck made the young men in his care call him ‘Dad’.”  This is pure fiction. Do you know how I know this? I certainly don’t spend my afternoons catching up with the local happenings in old J-Burg or C-Town! The article in question is scanned directly beneath this line and merely quotes a young man – that Roebuck is said to have helped – referring to him as “Dad”. Nowhere does anyone say that Roebuck made anyone call him that. If you’re going to make shit up, probably best not to include contradictory evidence directly after your claims, dipshit.

So for now, let’s just stick to the facts, hey? Peter Roebuck was found guilty of three counts of causing actual bodily harm to three young men (yes, he spanked them). Peter Roebuck was a handy cricketer and exceptional cricket journalist. Peter Roebuck was accused of sexually assaulting a 26 year old Zimbabwean man. Peter Roebuck fell to his death.

Sure we all hate powerful men who use their position to exploit the weak for their own pleasure – whether said pleasure is depraved, however, can be subjective. Oscar Wilde was marginalised in his time and is now celebrated. He openly chased young men. It is thankfully no longer a crime, when they are of age and willing. The talented amongst us are always given more leeway and whether this is right or not is not the issue – the issue here is the bottom feeders, who wait for the mighty to fall so they can they can fatten themselves off their still warm corpse without even bothering with such petty things as facts or proof.

Peter Roebuck may have had questionable dealings with young men. He could have been a kitten murdering ice-addict with baby skulls in his kitchen for all we know. But the point is, don’t start reporting these things as truth until you got the video – or the dead kitten – in front of you.

By Al McClintock