Feds thwart Sam Hurd’s drug empire

Chicago Bears wide receiver Sam Hurd has been arrested in a sting operation after allegedly buying a kilogram of cocaine from a federal agent. Hurd was taken into custody after he tried to leave a Chicago restaurant with the drugs; he had requested a supply of 10 kilograms of cocaine and 453 kilograms of marijuana on a weekly basis to sell throughout Chicago.

The 26-year-old Hurd played five seasons with the Dallas Cowboys and during the off-season signed a three-year deal with the Bears worth $5.1 million. Known for his deep religious beliefs and strict attendance of a church in south Dallas, it appears now that Hurd was unsatisfied with his multi-million dollar salary and was looking to moonlight in order to make more cash.

Team-mates have expressed frustration with Hurd and the fact that it appears he has never seen an episode of the critically acclaimed HBO series, The Wire, an authentic portrayal of the drug trade in Baltimore. In the show, drug-dealers often suspect law enforcement officials of trying to infiltrate their operations.

"The most authentic show ever made"

Hurd has been immediately stood down by the Bears. A spokesman for the team spoke of the franchise’s disappointment with their second-string receiver. “What we have here is a person who can’t tell the difference between a legitimate drug wholesaler and federal narcotics law enforcement agent. Obviously, he’s not a rocket scientist…We’re not dealing with Marlo Stanfield here.”

The NFL is also looking into the incident. A spokesman for the League said, “We’re concerned by this. Maybe $5 million  over three years isn’t enough for second-rate players who spend around three minutes on the field per-game. It seems like a lot of players are getting desperate living on these salaries and they’re being forced to move into illegal activities in order to maintain their lavish lifestyles. ”

NFL athletes, unlikely players in the drug trade

In Dallas, where Hurd maintains a residence, neighbours have long suspected Hurd was living beyond his means – despite his salary being 49 times larger than the average US wage. One neighbour said of Hurd, “I became suspicious when I saw a truck pull up next to his house. It seems he was taking delivery of several taxidermy animals. I spotted tigers, gazelles, bears and what looked like a panda. When I asked him about it, he said they ‘were just to spruce up the den.’”

Hurd’s arrest has also been the talk of many Chicago-area drug kingpins. The consensus seems to be that Hurd broke the golden rule of drug-dealing. A Chicago dealer who spoke to The Public Apology said, “Number one priority with a connect – make sure they don’t turn out to be federal law enforcement agents.”

Stringer Bell, had to take things into his own hands

He also had a warning for any other NFL players looking to move into the industry, “You saw what happened to Avon Barksdale when his connect was not good. Stringer Bell had to go to Proposition Joe for a good package and that set off a whole chain reaction that eventually lead to the falling out between Stringer and Avon – and then they were history.”

By Nick Gordon

Shane Warne reveals seedy truth behind burned hand

Startling revelations have emerged in the aftermath of Shane Warne’s now infamous ‘cooking accident’ which left his bowling hand looking as blistered and pustuled as that kid everyone avoided in school.

Warne set the Twitter world alight like a Tibetan Monk when he tweeted a picture of his severely burnt hand, requesting medical advice. Ill-advised it would seem, considering the standard recommendation of a “teaspoon of concrete” from his band of followers.

One medical professional, who chose to remain anonymous lest a million tradies reap their wrath upon him, informed The Public Apology that “a teaspoon of concrete is never recommended for any malady, and it will not, in any instance I assure you, make you shit bricks.”

Warnie claimed he was making a ‘bacon sandwich’ at the time of the incident, which in itself raised a few eyebrows given his new rake-like figure and the common knowledge that his sole form of sustenance comes in the form of Liz Hurley’s effluent. But as anybody who has played higher than fourth grade park cricket can tell you, “making a bacon sandwich” is slang for having sex with yourself – usually on tour.

A bacon sandwich is now not quite what you thought it was

Park cricketer Joshua Herbertson explains, “I couldn’t tell you where it originated, but bacon sandwich is common slang for female genitalia – everyone knows that, and making a bacon sandwich is making a vagina out of your fist… and fucking it.”

“Most blokes resort to it when away on long trips. They might say “I’m off to my room to make a bacon sandwich”.”

“Or you may threaten one of the young blokes that you’ll make a bacon sandwich out of them, which basically means sodomising them, but you’ve turned them into a metaphoric vagina so it’s ok, it’s not gay.”

Usually masturbation does not result in severe burns, but given Warne’s love of tantric sex and his little known endorsement of the ‘Fleshlight’ (a torch-like masturbatory sex toy said to resemble the feeling of either a goat’s or human’s vagina) one can connect the dots.

Sting, shares Warne's love of tantric sex

After a quick ruffle through Warne’s garbage outside his Melbourne home, The Public Apology discovered one burnt out Fleshlight, several bottles of fake tan and lubricant, and one receipt for Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery DVD.

When confronted Warne was surprisingly cavalier.

“You got me! Liz was a away and I should have known mate, but unfortunately the Fleshlight is only built for regular blokes who might last twenty minutes, thirty at most if they tease themselves a bit.”

“I was in for a twelve hour stint, and well, what I say? It overheated and burnt the shit out of my hand and cock.”

The horrible, disturbing aftermath

Given Twitter’s strict rules on tweeted nudity, Warne chose to post the picture of his hand not his penis, but was really looking for help on his more sensitive region.

“I got all sorts of suggestions, but luckily Eddie McGuire was nearby and his saliva is a renowned remedy for burns…” Warne said.

“Sucked the boils right off!”

Fans of the upcoming Twenty20 Big Bash (i.e. the ICC and no one else) can now breathe a big sigh of relief and return to doing what they do best – ruining Test cricket.

By Al McClintock

Last call for drinks: NBA free agency 2011

You know that feeling at the end of a boozy night out when you see all your friends about to pick up – and the chance of you doing the same is eroding faster than Todd Carney’s career?

It starts in your gut.  At first you think it’s the sugar from that last Red Bull and Vodka, but then you look around. Facing reality – that you are the Dumb Ugly Fat Friend [D.U.F.F.];  the ‘Mini-Van’ of your group – is a sobering event.  The only thing more sobering is that moment in the morning when you roll over and see, through hazy eyes, who you shacked up with to avoid said reality.

NBA free agency – thanks to the lockout – is basketball’s version of that last call at the bar.

Drinks are flowing at the NBA free agency 2011

So what happens first? Think about it.  Before you contemplate that you might have to hail a cab home by yourself – or even worse, waiting for the bus – you see everyone lining up for the one, maybe two, 10’s that are looking for a reason to dump their current flings.  After all, the smart ones – Tyson Chandler – came to the bar knowing who they were going to leave with: the New York Knicks.

Maybe you should have played it safe tonight? Oh well, there’s no second-guessing at this point… better get busy.  Perfect 10’s Chris Paul and Dwight Howard are both having one drink after another bought for them.  Orlando, Dallas, the Nets and the L.A. teams are all making power moves and trying not to get left with the tab.  Orlando thinks it’s got a shot, but doesn’t stand a chance.  Dallas is flauntin’ some new jewelry and droppin’ fistfuls of Franklins on a host of wonderfully named cocktails.  The L.A. teams are trying to one up each other because they shared a cab on the way to the bar – and neither wants to be the third wheel on the way home.  The Nets are not the best option tonight, but once they move to Brooklyn they’ll be fishing with dynamite.

Williamsburg, could be a big drawcard for hip NBA players

Throughout the night, Paul and Howard have ‘trimmed the fat’ – telling some to get stuffed; others are getting a coy second glance – maybe we’re in!  First, Orlando falls flat on its face.  Then Dallas pulls out, hoping to salvage the night with an easier option.  And before you even get a chance, Paul is ready to choose between the Clippers and the Lakers, while Howard’s already bought a Russian phrase book and is calling Jay-Z for tips on places to eat.

What’s next? Those 7’s and 8’s that have been ignored all night become increasingly frantic.  Realising that they too might go home alone, they throw themselves at the first offer.  Shane Battier to Miami; David West to Indiana; Lamar Odom, Delonte West and Vince Carter to Dallas; J.J. Barea to Minnesota. Greg Oden resigns with Portland and Rip Hamilton heads to Chicago.  ‘Big Baby’ Davis and Brandon Bass agree to switch partners: Davis now going with Orlando and Bass settling for Boston.  And knowing that they’ll need a back-up plan if spurned by Paul, the Clippers give Chauncy Billups a smile and wink.

'Big Baby' Davis set for a wife swap

So what’s left after that free-for-all?

The lights come on.  All your friends are gone.  And you are left, staring eye-to-eye with the mistake you are about to make. Gilbert Arenas … Kwame Brown … Baron Davis.  GULP.

By R.J. Karas