Tim Tebow saves the NBA season

Some would think that salvaging a mediocre Denver Broncos team from another season of competing for the NFL’s wooden spoon would be enough for Tim Tebow.  The second-year “quarterback” surely would be happy enough with simply handing his clipboard off to Brady Quinn and stepping into the offensive huddle, right?

No.  If this world has learned anything from Tebow, it is that he is never satisfied.  This is simply not enough for this D-back destroying missionary.  Not only has God’s gift to football resurrected a once-idolised franchise from the depths of sports Hell, but as it turns out, Tim Tebow has also saved the NBA.

If you can't beat them, join them in prayer

Naysayers – or everyone who lives outside of Denver, Colorado and Gainsville, Florida (where Tebow attained God-like status during his college career) – doubt this miraculous occurrence for several reasons.  The most obvious of which are Tebow’s career completion percentage (47.1%), his spastic tendencies for the first 58 minutes of a football game and, likely, the fact that he is still on his ‘V-plates’ as proof that there is no conceivable way this man is capable of such divine works.

If you simply look at Tebow’s play, it is an indisputable fact that he is walking a fine line between minor miracles that are fun to watch from afar – such as Tebow’s ability to make NFL linebackers look like doormats – and heresy – the idea that such a remedial offense can be successful in the NFL.

Used car salesman and head of football operations, John Elway

Saying that, his supporters – or every member of the Republican Party in the United States – would point to Tebow’s TD-to-INT rate (11-1), his win/loss record (5-1) and his general ability to channel unworldly powers to make both Denver coach, John Fox, and Broncos legend/head of football operations, John Elway, both look like complete fools as proof that Tebow is, in fact, blessed with some existential force that allows him to defy the all-knowing Mel Kiper Jr.  Rather than focusing on all of those overthrown passes, his horrid throwing motion and miserable footwork, Tebow-ites see only his end-product.

Meanwhile, “Tebowing” has entered the vernacular and has overtaken “planking” as the latest “dangerous” Facebook fad to elicit outrage from middle-class white parents. According to reports, a Kansas teenager was critically injured when a friend attempted to photograph him Tebowing in front of an oncoming train.

Tebowing

The most obvious case in support of Tebow, however, is not something he has done on the field.  Just as Michaelangelo had his masterpiece in the Sistine Chapel, so too does Tim Tebow.  His ability to bring the NBA lockout to a close is much more than fishes and loafs or water to wine.  Tebow saved us from a winter highlighted by the NHL All-Star game.  Tim Tebow brought back the NBA!

With both NBA players and owners in their respective bunkers, aiming nuclear warheads at their advisories, no more than a week ago, a deal was reached.  The players gave back six percent of total basketball revenue, the owners were willing to compromise on their previous ultimatums and – for all intensive purposes – Gilbert Arenas is still allowed to play mind games on his teammates with loaded handguns.  How was a ‘nuclear winter’, as many were referring to it, averted?  Look no further than the start-date of the NBA’s season, December 25th – a miracle from heaven if ever there was one.

Just as the case with Santa, the Easter Bunny and the 2004 Red Sox, some things are better left unexplained. And ‘Sports Jesus’ undoubtedly deserves the same respect.

By R.J. Karas

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