Well could it have gone any other way? (We were really hoping it would, but the sporting community really dropped the ball on this…)
By now you all know his alleged exploits. For those in the dark, hopefully by now you’ve crawled out of your neighbour’s underwear drawer long enough to read this.
Earlier this month Guildford barged into a bar in the Cook Islands, naked, saturated and bleeding heavily. He punched several patrons, before climbing on to a stage to apologise. He then ran off with, one witness claims, up to five women who were waiting for him outside. It later emerged that he twice tried to escape from police, once by jumping into a lagoon from a moving van. He spent the night in jail.
Further adding to the rap-sheet, a prominent female triathlete claimed he had hurled sexually charged abuse at her earlier in the day whilst training. This spicy little morsel seems to have since disappeared from mass media reports however, so we can only assume the reporting journalist had in fact interviewed a drunken homeless lady and offered her food and/or sex for a good story.
When The Public Apology contacted Mr. Guildford to congratulate him he was surprisingly sober and morose.
“They’re calling me an alcoholic” he explained. “I was just trying to have a good time. Sure I regret punching those people, but that old lady had the look of a fighter and I was just trying to protect myself”.
Will he be continuing his celebrated antics in the future?
“If God put me on this earth to party, I must party. Last time I checked the NZRFU aren’t the Holy Saviour, despite what they think, so yeah probably.”
What can we expect?
“More of the same really, although from now on my fists will only be used for those consensually willing to have them administered upon or within their person. Violence isn’t cool man, I realise that now. Getting stupidly drunk and running around naked is cool though… really cool.”
We tip our hats to you sir. Your genius has finally been rewarded.
By Al McClintock