Gary Neiwand fuming over Guildford Award snub

Former Olympic cyclist and self-confessed flasher Gary Neiwand is reportedly fuming after narrowly missing out on The Public Apology’s coveted Guildford Award.

Neiwand, who earlier this week pled guilty to two counts of wilful and obscene exposure in Melbourne Magistrates Court, was a 10:1 outsider to take out the crown over eventual winner and red-hot 3:1 favourite Zac Guildford.

According to court documents, the 45-year-old exposed his genitals to women in two separate incidents in Melbourne in 2011. On January 24, Neiwand is alleged to have driven alongside a female cyclist, wound down the window and said to the woman “can you finish this off?” while grappling at his exposed and presumably erect penis.

Hipsters in Northcote have been put on high alert

Neiwand exposed himself to a second victim on May 16, when he pulled over and asked a woman walking her dog for directions, the court documents show. When he motioned her to come closer to the car she saw, to her surprise, that Neiwand was jerking himself off with vigour.

On both occasions, the women took down Neiwand’s car registration as he fled.

But while Neiwand’s masturbatory antics were certainly worthy of commendation, they were deemed overly sinister by The Public Apology judges, who favoured Guildford for his joyous Cook Islands romp.

“Yeah it was a tough one, but in the end it was a reasonably serious charge – and while I’d like to look past the legalities, we had to draw a line somewhere,” said The Public Apology journalist and founder of the Guildford Awards, Al McClintock.

Neiwand in happier, less fiendish times

“But Zac Guildford was hard to ignore because his incident had everything – overt nudity, random assault, an on-stage public apology, heavy blood loss, five unidentified women, a night in jail – all set to a gorgeous Cook Islands backdrop. What a fucking legend!”

Interviewed after the Guildfords ceremony, Neiwand said he was disappointed with the judging criteria, but vowed to continue inciting controversy until he got his “just desserts”.

“Watch this space – if you’re a woman in the Ascot Vale suburb of Melbourne, you can look forward to a bit more of my ‘knee wand’, if you catch my drift,” he added, smirking like only a registered sex offender can.

By Dave Edwards

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