Startling revelations have emerged in the aftermath of Shane Warne’s now infamous ‘cooking accident’ which left his bowling hand looking as blistered and pustuled as that kid everyone avoided in school.
Warne set the Twitter world alight like a Tibetan Monk when he tweeted a picture of his severely burnt hand, requesting medical advice. Ill-advised it would seem, considering the standard recommendation of a “teaspoon of concrete” from his band of followers.
One medical professional, who chose to remain anonymous lest a million tradies reap their wrath upon him, informed The Public Apology that “a teaspoon of concrete is never recommended for any malady, and it will not, in any instance I assure you, make you shit bricks.”
Warnie claimed he was making a ‘bacon sandwich’ at the time of the incident, which in itself raised a few eyebrows given his new rake-like figure and the common knowledge that his sole form of sustenance comes in the form of Liz Hurley’s effluent. But as anybody who has played higher than fourth grade park cricket can tell you, “making a bacon sandwich” is slang for having sex with yourself – usually on tour.
Park cricketer Joshua Herbertson explains, “I couldn’t tell you where it originated, but bacon sandwich is common slang for female genitalia – everyone knows that, and making a bacon sandwich is making a vagina out of your fist… and fucking it.”
“Most blokes resort to it when away on long trips. They might say “I’m off to my room to make a bacon sandwich”.”
“Or you may threaten one of the young blokes that you’ll make a bacon sandwich out of them, which basically means sodomising them, but you’ve turned them into a metaphoric vagina so it’s ok, it’s not gay.”
Usually masturbation does not result in severe burns, but given Warne’s love of tantric sex and his little known endorsement of the ‘Fleshlight’ (a torch-like masturbatory sex toy said to resemble the feeling of either a goat’s or human’s vagina) one can connect the dots.
After a quick ruffle through Warne’s garbage outside his Melbourne home, The Public Apology discovered one burnt out Fleshlight, several bottles of fake tan and lubricant, and one receipt for Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery DVD.
When confronted Warne was surprisingly cavalier.
“You got me! Liz was a away and I should have known mate, but unfortunately the Fleshlight is only built for regular blokes who might last twenty minutes, thirty at most if they tease themselves a bit.”
“I was in for a twelve hour stint, and well, what I say? It overheated and burnt the shit out of my hand and cock.”
Given Twitter’s strict rules on tweeted nudity, Warne chose to post the picture of his hand not his penis, but was really looking for help on his more sensitive region.
“I got all sorts of suggestions, but luckily Eddie McGuire was nearby and his saliva is a renowned remedy for burns…” Warne said.
“Sucked the boils right off!”
Fans of the upcoming Twenty20 Big Bash (i.e. the ICC and no one else) can now breathe a big sigh of relief and return to doing what they do best – ruining Test cricket.
By Al McClintock