Tim Tebow saves the NBA season

Some would think that salvaging a mediocre Denver Broncos team from another season of competing for the NFL’s wooden spoon would be enough for Tim Tebow.  The second-year “quarterback” surely would be happy enough with simply handing his clipboard off to Brady Quinn and stepping into the offensive huddle, right?

No.  If this world has learned anything from Tebow, it is that he is never satisfied.  This is simply not enough for this D-back destroying missionary.  Not only has God’s gift to football resurrected a once-idolised franchise from the depths of sports Hell, but as it turns out, Tim Tebow has also saved the NBA.

If you can't beat them, join them in prayer

Naysayers – or everyone who lives outside of Denver, Colorado and Gainsville, Florida (where Tebow attained God-like status during his college career) – doubt this miraculous occurrence for several reasons.  The most obvious of which are Tebow’s career completion percentage (47.1%), his spastic tendencies for the first 58 minutes of a football game and, likely, the fact that he is still on his ‘V-plates’ as proof that there is no conceivable way this man is capable of such divine works.

If you simply look at Tebow’s play, it is an indisputable fact that he is walking a fine line between minor miracles that are fun to watch from afar – such as Tebow’s ability to make NFL linebackers look like doormats – and heresy – the idea that such a remedial offense can be successful in the NFL.

Used car salesman and head of football operations, John Elway

Saying that, his supporters – or every member of the Republican Party in the United States – would point to Tebow’s TD-to-INT rate (11-1), his win/loss record (5-1) and his general ability to channel unworldly powers to make both Denver coach, John Fox, and Broncos legend/head of football operations, John Elway, both look like complete fools as proof that Tebow is, in fact, blessed with some existential force that allows him to defy the all-knowing Mel Kiper Jr.  Rather than focusing on all of those overthrown passes, his horrid throwing motion and miserable footwork, Tebow-ites see only his end-product.

Meanwhile, “Tebowing” has entered the vernacular and has overtaken “planking” as the latest “dangerous” Facebook fad to elicit outrage from middle-class white parents. According to reports, a Kansas teenager was critically injured when a friend attempted to photograph him Tebowing in front of an oncoming train.

Tebowing

The most obvious case in support of Tebow, however, is not something he has done on the field.  Just as Michaelangelo had his masterpiece in the Sistine Chapel, so too does Tim Tebow.  His ability to bring the NBA lockout to a close is much more than fishes and loafs or water to wine.  Tebow saved us from a winter highlighted by the NHL All-Star game.  Tim Tebow brought back the NBA!

With both NBA players and owners in their respective bunkers, aiming nuclear warheads at their advisories, no more than a week ago, a deal was reached.  The players gave back six percent of total basketball revenue, the owners were willing to compromise on their previous ultimatums and – for all intensive purposes – Gilbert Arenas is still allowed to play mind games on his teammates with loaded handguns.  How was a ‘nuclear winter’, as many were referring to it, averted?  Look no further than the start-date of the NBA’s season, December 25th – a miracle from heaven if ever there was one.

Just as the case with Santa, the Easter Bunny and the 2004 Red Sox, some things are better left unexplained. And ‘Sports Jesus’ undoubtedly deserves the same respect.

By R.J. Karas

Mundine pays tribute to Green, friends worried

Outspoken boxer Anthony Mundine has expressed his sympathies to Danny Green following the 38-year-old’s 11th round loss to defending WBC cruiserweight champion Krzysztof Wlodarczyk.

And The Public Apology can reveal that this uncharacteristic move has Mundine’s close family and friends extremely worried about his mental health.

Mundine was  gracious and benevolent when interviewed after viewing the Green fight, telling reporters that “as a fighter, you don’t want to see anyone get beat like that and get knocked out like that.”

“Hopefully he can bounce back. Hopefully he’s alright. I’m not going to bad-mouth Danny like a lot of people think I would.”

Green was reportedly shocked by Mundine's restraint

The kind, heart-felt words have some people wondering whether Mundine is going through some sort of mid-life crisis or depression.

One Fairfax reporter told The Public Apology that he was surprised Mundine did not seize the opportunity to publicly belittle his long-time rival.

“Yeah, I couldn’t actually believe what I was hearing,” he said. “Usually all I need to do is put a microphone in front of him and lick my lips while he provides me with a delicious combination of inflammatory quotes and third-person bravado, unprompted.”

“I’m actually quite devastated with this new Mundine, who seems like a reasonably decent bloke. He even hung around after the press conference and asked me how my six-month old child was going. Sure, I appreciated it, but how’s ‘being a good bloke’ going to sell papers?”

"A surprisingly good bloke"

A source close to the Mundine family said that the boxer’s relatives had entered a state of shock following the placid interview.

“I spoke to his dad, Tony, and he was fucking livid at the way Anthony handled the interview,” the source told The Public Apology.

“Anthony was measured and articulate and made no references to ‘The Man’ or how he was the greatest thing since sliced bread. We’re all a bit shocked – and I’d prefer if we ended this interview right now, actually. I’m fucking speechless.”

“He must have had one too many head-knocks, the crazy fucker.”

By Dave Edwards

Annoyed cricket fan mutes TV commentary for radio

In the ultimate act of desperation, a Sydney man has muted the volume on his television and turned on his radio while watching the first Test match between Australia and New Zealand at the Gabba.

Kevin Read, 44, of Dulwich Hill, made the adjustment after becoming frustrated by Channel 9 commentators Bill Lawry and Tony Greig.

“I’m sick of those idiots,” Read told The Public Apology during an extensive phone interview. “They’ve pretty much been saying the same things for the past thirty years. They add nothing to my enjoyment of the game. They both should have been ‘boned’ several years ago I believe.”

Greig, a boning is long overdue

Read also revealed that the notorious – and often heated – disagreements between Lawry and Greig no longer interested him, despite the spats being enjoyed by many cricket fans around the country.

“Yeah, they used to be vaguely amusing, but now it’s like listening to a married couple – I’ve heard it all before. And I don’t want to ever hear it again.”

The switch to radio was not all smooth sailing though as Read admitted to harbouring some doubts about the change, especially after he realised that he would no longer be able to hear the views of legendary commentator and white coat salesman Richie Benaud.

“I’ll miss Richie – he seems like the only one of them that isn’t an arsehole. But Richie can’t make up for the other tools. I mean as well as Lawry and Grieg, you’ve got people like Heals and Tubby. To be honest, they’re just awful. I’ll be much happier listening to intelligent people like Jim Maxwell.”

English import and social darling Mark Nicholas, who has taken over much of Benaud’s hosting role in recent years, has also managed to upset Read.

“Why did Channel 9 feel like they have to import a dandy to head the coverage? Hopefully the federal government’s changes to the working away from home tax concessions will see him packing his bags and going back to where he came from.”

Nicholas, a dandy of Oscar Wilde-ian proportions

Read also elaborated on what he considered his biggest fear after making the switch – that the audio wouldn’t match the pictures on his television.

“A lot of my mates said that, when I told them what I was going to do. They said you’ll hear the description of the delivery before you see the ball bowled on television. I was worried, but it seems alright at my house. There is maybe a one or two second delay. I can put up with it so long as I don’t have to hear the mind-numbingly pointless conversations between Lawry and Greig.”

By Nick Gordon