Pocock Now Force Skipper, Next Step Captain Of The World

In what is part of a wider strategy to eventually take over as Captain of the World, David Pocock has been named Western Force skipper for the 2012 Super 15 season.

The Public Apology has obtained a secret dossier that details Pocock’s strategic goals over the next seven years and has chosen to publish it in the public interest.

According to the report, Pocock will succeed Nathan Sharpe as Force skipper and take the team all the way in the Super 15 season, before springing a surprise coup on WA Labor leader Mark McGowan with the assistance of key power-brokers.

After winning the hearts and minds of each and every Western Australian, Pocock will then go to the polls against current premier Colin Barnett in the 2013 Western Australian state election – and win handsomely, thanks to his effortless combination of brains and brawn.

Barnett: will prove no match for Pocock

Once he has used his power and influence as WA premier to implement federal legislation regarding the equal treatment of gay and lesbian couples, Pocock will continue to promote fair trade rules – specifically government and company practices – to support impoverished workers in developing countries.

At this point, having eradicated world poverty and put Australia on the “humanitarian map”, Pocock’s heroics will force a federal referendum to establish a Republic. Once this is passed unanimously the Wallaby flanker will be voted in as President by public vote, the purest form of election.

As President of the New Republic of Australia, Pocock will gain the trust and forgiveness of Aborigines and Australians of Irish origin, who have for years seen the Australian Crown as a symbol of British Imperialism. Pocock’s work to remove the last lingering vestiges of racism in the Australian Constitution, eradicate world hunger and create same-sex equality in Australia will land him a United Nations Public Service Award in 2016.

Fair trade is expected to flourish under Pocock’s tenure

At this point, the world will be so impressed with Pocock’s humanitarian service, political nous and incredible physique – bear in mind that, by this time, he is already the captain of the Wallabies and juggling his playing commitments with the Australian presidency – that he will be elected UN Secretary-General on 1 January 2017, despite not even announcing his candidacy.

And from here Pocock is expected to be elected Captain of the World in 2018, following a year-long social media campaign (by now everyone in the world has a Twitter account and an iPad 16) that gains such traction it is impossible to ignore.

Pocock did not reply to The Public Apology’s request for confirmation by time of publishing.

By Dave Edwards

‘Blonde Girl Watches a Tennis Match’ Proves Ratings Hit

Channel 7 is toasting an early victory in the ratings war this year, with the Sunday night season finale of Blonde Girl Watches a Tennis Match drawing a prime time average of 1.899 million viewers.

Described by TV analyst Steve Allen as “gold, gold, gold”, Blonde Girl Watches a Tennis Match sparked substantial media coverage the following day and is set to continue the network’s edge over flagging competitor Channel 9.

Channel 7 executive James Bruce told The Public Apology that Sunday night’s show was “a fucking ripper that exceeded all expectations.”

A still from Sunday’s episode

“The show’s success is even more wonderful considering it was only conceived as a vehicle for promoting My Kitchen Rules, Please Marry My Boy and Home and Away,” Bruce said.

“The other main factor that came into our thinking was that next year, with these numbers behind us, we can take even more money off companies like Kia. These Koreans will throw money at anything if they think they’ll move a few poorly made cars.”

Sunday night’s episode centred on Donay Meijer, who spent three hours watching her boyfriend Bernard Tomic getting thrashed by Swiss master Roger Federer, 6-4, 6-2, 6-2. The show was narrated by Channel 7 stalwart Bruce McAvaney, with additional commentary from American Jim Courier.

Courier, a suave narrator

Meijer, a 21-year-old from the Gold Coast, has put her promising modelling career on hold while she completes her pharmacy degree and stars in reality TV shows such as  Sunday night’s offering.

In what was a cross-media marketing coup for Channel 7, Meijer received extensive coverage in the press and online leading up to Sunday night. A photo of her shopping in Melbourne ran on the front page of the Herald Sun, while other News Limited papers around the country featured her prominently. Recognising both the tenuous news links and the ability for her story to act as a ‘click bank’, online news sites such as Yahoo Sport and the official Australian Open website had extensive coverage of Meijer.

The climax of Sunday night’s episode

Prior to this summer, little was known about the Gold Coast model; however, her agent Kathy Castens, of Katz Model Management, said the future was bright for the 21-year-old.

“Her look is very commercial given she has a very sultry feel about her, yet she still oozes girl-next-door great looks. And of course, with the ratings success of her Channel 7 show, the sky’s the limit now,” Ms Castens said, in what can only be described as corporate PR drivel.

Channel 9, chasing a similar hit, is launching a lowbrow, shameless rip-off of Channel 7’s show when it premieres Everybody’s Favourite Bogan WAGS Watch Cricket. Set in Adelaide, the show follows a group of B-list celebrities such as Kyly Boldy, Rianna Ponting and Lee Furlong as they watch Australia’s cricket team take on India in the fourth Test match.

The reality TV stars of tomorrow, unfortunately

The show has already attracted a wide range of sponsors, with energy drink company Mother, chocolate milk brand Dare, VB, Holden and controversial bogan-focused clothing company Ed Hardy rushing to associate their products with the trashy programme.

By Nick Gordon

Psychologist Warns: T20 Cricket Breeds Criminal Deviancy

A leading psychologist has warned that the new T20 phenomena sweeping world cricket is attracting the criminally inclined to the sport – and effectively dumbing down a generation of already slow-minded children, in turn making them more inclined to criminal behaviour.

Following last week’s brace of ugly incidents during – and in  the aftermath of – a KFC Big Bash game at the SCG, where one man was stabbed and one fan beaten to a pulp by in a wonderful advertisement for the NSW police department, leading Australian psychologist Ronald Norton has issued a “what did you expect?” at both Cricket Australia and the Australian Government for backing the format.

Lee, helping dumb down Australian youths

“The effective hit and giggle nature of T20 has our current crop of children craving instant gratification; it is further damaging already fragile attention spans reeling from hours of computer gaming and online pornography,” Norton barked.

A recent study by the UNSW Psych department found that Test Cricket formed thoughtful, analytical, composed and enduring minds, while T20 created violent, edgy, and selfish minds with an unhealthy disrespect for fast bowlers – much like that of Kevin Pietersen or an ice addict.

“It then stands to reason that the game also attracts people already of this mindset and therefore safe to say that the stands at the upcoming T20 matches between Australia and India will be filled with meth-heads, drug dealers, gangsters and Kevin Pietersen,” Norton explained.

The mental stability of an ice addict

Attend at your own peril.

Famed shrink and renowned sociopath Dr. Phil has even waded into the debate after visiting Australia in anticipation for his “Dr. Phil Down Under” series, which will hopefully never be aired.

“Australians are already criminally inclined; it’s in both their blood and heritage,” he said.

“I can’t understand why [Cricket Australia] would be pandering to these instincts. It’s like wounding yourself and laying in front of a circus lion – the animal may be tamed, but it’s still gonna rip your motherfucking arms off.”

Dr Phil sent a stern warning to Cricket Australia

Cricket Australia declined to comment when approached on the findings, instead doing everything in their power to divert attention from the enormous Mitchell Johnson voodoo doll hanging at the back John Inverarity’s office.

“Mitchell Johnson is an invaluable part of the Australian team and will definitely play Test cricket again,” Inverarity smirked.

Security has been heightened at the upcoming KFC Big Bash final between the Perth Scorchers and Sydney Sixers, but WACA officials have informed that this is merely to keep the Indian media out of the ground lest any more footage of their notorious pitch-parties goes to air.

Getting boozed at the WACA

“If they’d been there half an hour later when Johnny was taking a Noa Nadruku ‘long-drop’ off the top of the roller, we would have really been in trouble,” shouted WACA Curator Cameron Sutherland over his ride-on mower.

“Luckily most of the roaches fell into that enormous crack put in for Tendulkar, so they never found them, and we cleaned up the bulk of [assistant curator] Johnny’s shit at least,” he said, before motoring off.

By Al McClintock