Cricket Australia is embarking on an audacious program to train the wives and girlfriends of high-profile cricketers on how to act appropriately during matches.
The move comes after criticism was heaved at Michael Clarke’s girlfriend, Kyly Boldy, for failing to applaud correctly during Clarke’s epic milestone knock of 329 not out. The footage was captured by Channel Nine and beamed to a disproving nation.
“She looked the part – she’s a great looking bird – but she was clapping at the wrong time, looking pensive when she didn’t need to and texting her friends at crucial moments when she should have been concentrating on the game,” said Cricket Australia CEO James Sutherland.
“That said, she’s a step up from Lara Bingle. We never even knew where the bloody hell she was. The only time she saw Clarkey hit 100 was in the Aston Martin he bought her,” he joked, terribly.
The Public Apology understands that Cricket Australia will conduct a boot camp-style course with all CA contracted players’ WAGS over a three week period, starting late January. Etiquette guru June Dally-Watkins will head up the program, teaching Australia’s latest crop of young female bogans to display deference and humility to the on-field achievements of their partners. Counselors will also be on hand to give advice on how to get through a difficult pregnancy when your husband is away touring the subcontinent.
The camp will also involve extensive acting classes from established actress Jackie Woodburne – better known as Susan Kennedy from Neighbours – on how to appear nervous, pensive and elated when your partner has performed great heroics on the field. Woodburne will also draw on her fictional marriage with the caddish Dr Karl Kennedy on how to act when your husband is having an affair.
As for Australia’s Queen of Cricket, there is speculation that CA will force Kyly Boldy to change her bastardised, bogue name by deed-poll to ‘Kylie’, but that report is yet to be confirmed.
“Boldy’s got the second most important job in Australia, behind the Australian Test captaincy,” Sutherland said. “We’ve got to get this right – and we’ve got to pave the way for future young WAGS to come in and fill her place when Clarkey retires.”
“It’s all about having a good succession plan in place,” he added.
NRL MAY FOLLOW SUIT: Meanwhile, Channel Nine is contemplating incorporating more WAG interaction in their own rugby league coverage, with the 2012 season poised to see cameras pan to players’ wives and girlfriends at pivotal moments.
NRL CEO David Gallop told The Public Apology that it was potentially a good way to boost female viewers, but some of the NRL WAGS would have to “scrub up” if they wanted to “get their mugs on TV.”
“The cricket girls are all glamours. Have you ever seen ‘Perfect Partners’ on the NRL Footy Show?” There’s some massive scrubbers there – and I don’t think [the late Channel Nine boss] Kerry Packer, were he still with us, would be too pleased to see us filming rough birds,” he said.
“We’ll also need to install some corporate boxes for these women to sit in, I guess, which will be difficult at the smaller suburban stadiums. Probably wouldn’t be a good look if we panned to Keith Galloway’s missus, Brenda, getting on the cans on the hill at Leichhardt. Fuck, on second thought this could cost a bit.”
“Come to think of it, I’ve never actually seen Benji Marshall with a girlfriend…”
By Dave Edwards