Bob Hawke sacked as Australian Beer Pong captain

Former Australian Prime minister Bob Hawke has been controversially removed as captain of the Australian Beer-Pong team following his celebrated antics at the Sydney Cricket Ground.

In a shock press conference today, Australian Beer Pong Federation CEO James Buhr announced that Mr. Hawke would be stood down immediately for “bringing the game into disrepute”.

Exactly how Mr. Hawke brought the game into disrepute is unclear, but it is understood he broke team protocol by drinking beer on what was a scheduled Spirit’s Day.

“Mr. Hawke understood [the team’s] guidelines, and by accepting that young hoodlum’s beverage, he showed not only a flamboyant disregard for the rules, but also his team-mates,” Buhr told reporters.

Beer Pong training regimes are notoriously draining, with players expected to be able to drink potentially dangerous amounts of alcohol and still maintain a high standard of playing.

An epic game of international beer pong

“Spirit Days” are scheduled days where players must drink only hard liquor in an attempt to build up their tolerance. Drinking anything softer is considered weak, even if it is a full beer in a matter of seconds.

A pantless Mr. Hawke was contrite in his apologies.

“I was in between a rock and a hard place mate, but I couldn’t let that young yob down, I just couldn’t,” Hawke spluttered.

“I knew my responsibilities as captain and, well, I shat all over them didn’t I? I accept the board’s decision and I look forward to returning to my training and drinking myself incontinent tonight.”

“I just hope they don’t replace me with a pig fucker this time,” he added, a thinly veiled reference to his Zegna suit-wearing political successor, Paul Keating.

"It was me, I was behind the bloody floating of the dollar!!"

Arguably Australia’s – if not the world’s – greatest man, Hawke skyrocketed to international fame for holding the world record for the time taken to skull a yard glass while also holding a job of little consequence.

He took over as Australian Beer Pong champion shortly afterwards and quickly developed a name for himself as a no-holds-barred beer drinking lunatic with loopy stroke play and a deceptively powerful backhand.

Public outcry has been immediate with protesters gathering outside Beer-Pong headquarters (the Ettamogah Pub in Queensland) to convey their anger.

“Bobby Robert Hawke, he’s alright you know?” slurred local yob Samuel Barr. “These ABPF cocksuckers keep trying to take him down – for what? For being a legend? Fuck them! There’s no room for politics in Beer Pong mate. No room!”

Police quickly emerged on the scene, but left when things turned ugly.

“Fuck that!” one officer was overheard saying. “I’m going to get some burritos.”

By Al McClintock

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