A leading psychologist has warned that the new T20 phenomena sweeping world cricket is attracting the criminally inclined to the sport – and effectively dumbing down a generation of already slow-minded children, in turn making them more inclined to criminal behaviour.
Following last week’s brace of ugly incidents during – and in the aftermath of – a KFC Big Bash game at the SCG, where one man was stabbed and one fan beaten to a pulp by in a wonderful advertisement for the NSW police department, leading Australian psychologist Ronald Norton has issued a “what did you expect?” at both Cricket Australia and the Australian Government for backing the format.
“The effective hit and giggle nature of T20 has our current crop of children craving instant gratification; it is further damaging already fragile attention spans reeling from hours of computer gaming and online pornography,” Norton barked.
A recent study by the UNSW Psych department found that Test Cricket formed thoughtful, analytical, composed and enduring minds, while T20 created violent, edgy, and selfish minds with an unhealthy disrespect for fast bowlers – much like that of Kevin Pietersen or an ice addict.
“It then stands to reason that the game also attracts people already of this mindset and therefore safe to say that the stands at the upcoming T20 matches between Australia and India will be filled with meth-heads, drug dealers, gangsters and Kevin Pietersen,” Norton explained.
Attend at your own peril.
Famed shrink and renowned sociopath Dr. Phil has even waded into the debate after visiting Australia in anticipation for his “Dr. Phil Down Under” series, which will hopefully never be aired.
“Australians are already criminally inclined; it’s in both their blood and heritage,” he said.
“I can’t understand why [Cricket Australia] would be pandering to these instincts. It’s like wounding yourself and laying in front of a circus lion – the animal may be tamed, but it’s still gonna rip your motherfucking arms off.”
Cricket Australia declined to comment when approached on the findings, instead doing everything in their power to divert attention from the enormous Mitchell Johnson voodoo doll hanging at the back John Inverarity’s office.
“Mitchell Johnson is an invaluable part of the Australian team and will definitely play Test cricket again,” Inverarity smirked.
Security has been heightened at the upcoming KFC Big Bash final between the Perth Scorchers and Sydney Sixers, but WACA officials have informed that this is merely to keep the Indian media out of the ground lest any more footage of their notorious pitch-parties goes to air.
“If they’d been there half an hour later when Johnny was taking a Noa Nadruku ‘long-drop’ off the top of the roller, we would have really been in trouble,” shouted WACA Curator Cameron Sutherland over his ride-on mower.
“Luckily most of the roaches fell into that enormous crack put in for Tendulkar, so they never found them, and we cleaned up the bulk of [assistant curator] Johnny’s shit at least,” he said, before motoring off.
By Al McClintock