Shamed Costa Concordia Skipper Could Sign F1 Deal

The shamed captain of the Costa Concordia is set to sign a lucrative million dollar Formula One deal – should he avoid a possible 15 years in jail on multiple manslaughter charges.

Francesco Schettino, 52, abandoned the now-infamous 290m cruise liner off the Italian coast while dozens of passengers were still aboard. The death toll has hit 11 after divers located five more bodies in the rear of the ship near an emergency evacuation point, according to Italian Coast Guard Commander Cosimo Nicastro.

Prosecutors have since alleged that Schettino was showing off by sailing past the Tuscan island of Giglio when he crashed the ship some 150m offshore; meanwhile, one Dutch survivor has claimed the captain was drinking with a woman on his arm at the ship’s bar prior to the crash.

Schettino, "an exuberant braggart"

“He was too exuberant. He’s a braggart. More than once I had to put him in his place,” Mario Palombo, his former captain, told La Repubblica newspaper.

But this brash, cavalier attitude has reportedly piqued the interest of several racing teams, with cashed-up rivals Williams and Red Bull locked in a battle for the cocky Italian’s signature for the upcoming 2012 Formula One season.

“He’d be a real asset to Red Bull, certainly, if we are lucky enough to have him onboard. He’s get exactly the kind of ticker that Mark Webber lacks,” Red Bull manager Christian Horner told The Public Apology.

“He’s already got the perfect temperament for Formula One racing – he’s an arrogant, heavy-drinking Italian womaniser who knows to point the finger elsewhere when things go astray.”

Just chillin’ after crashing US$1m worth of machinery

“You know, when you crash a Formula One car you just jump out, shrug your shoulders and let the crew douse the violent flames while you puff away on a tightly coiled cigarette. Which is basically more or less what he did when he smashed the Costa Concordia.”

Horner said that the evidence given by one survivor – that Schettino was busily tuning a young attractive woman just moments before the crash – was not a negative reflection on his professionalism, but “a real positive.”

“It shows a high level of testosterone – and testosterone is exactly what you need in F1, fuckloads of it. Did you know that [Formula One legend] James Hunt once slept with 33 British Airways hostesses and a ton of Japanese fans on a two-week tour of Tokyo in the ’70s? And then he went out and won the 1976 World Championship. They say he used to have sex just minutes before jumping in the cockpit – and that only made him a better driver.”

“That’s the kind of swagger we need at Red Bull. Fuck, we’re an energy drink company too, you know – we’ve got to appeal to the kids!”

Williams founder Frank Williams also confirmed his team’s interest in Schettino, but added that he was more than happy with his current roster of drivers should the deal fall through.

Hunt, an old school-style F1 driver

“We just signed Ayrton Senna’s nephew, Bruno, and if he’s anything like his uncle then, shit, we’ll have all the bravado we’ll ever need,” he said.

However, Williams said Schettino would have no problems adjusting to the rampantly hedonistic Formula One racing culture.

“I’m not sure on the stats, but I’d take a punt that cruise ship captains get just as much – if not more – pussy than Formula One racing drivers,” he said.

“Plus we get to drink champagne out of trophies – that’s pretty fucking sweet, too.”

By Dave Edwards

 

‘I’m Swiss, What Did You Expect?’ Says Federer

Tennis deity Roger Federer has hit back at fellow players who have accused him of adopting a non-interventionist approach to his Player Council presidency with smooth, European precision: “I’m fucking Swiss, did you expect me to engage in political discourse?”

Federer and Spaniard Rafael Nadal were unanimously re-elected for a two-year term as president and vice president of the  ATP World Tour Player Council at the Council’s first meeting in August 2010. However,  Nadal triggered a controversy on Sunday when he accused the Swiss of ignoring various complaints – including the number of tournaments leading players must appear in and the prize money offered for lower-ranked players at grand slams – made by the majority of tennis professionals.

Fiery Russian and suspected match-fixer, Nikolay Davydenko, also weighed into the discussion this week, telling reporters that “It is very easy [for Federer] to say, ‘I am not going to say anything, everything is positive’ and come off as a gentleman and burn the rest.”

Davydenko, an astute political mind

Davydenko later continued his verbal assault on tennis’ most distinguished player, telling the media that Federer did not know “one fucking thing about politics.”

“Did you know they don’t even teach international politics in Swiss high schools? Yeah, that’s right; they’re shit scared of war. All I’ve got to do is mention the Napoleonic Era in the locker rooms and Roger starts screaming like a little bitch,” he added, in reference to the French Revolutionary wars of the late 18 Century, where France enveloped Switzerland in its charge towards Austria. Soon after, European powers agreed to permanently recognise Swiss neutrality, a long-standing tradition that has eschewed purely political boundaries and is now manifesting itself in sports such as tennis.

Amid concerns over his suitability for tennis’ top political post, Federer told The Public Apology that he intended to continue his neutral position on every burning issue currently facing the sport – “and if people don’t like that, they can try and start a war.”

Suiting up for some diplomacy talks

“Of course, should there be a war, I will immediately raise a white flag and state my neutrality, as per the guarantee legislated in the 1815 Congress of Vienna Act ,” he quickly added.

Switzerland has historically served as an neutral intermediary and host to various international treaty conferences. However, Federer has appeared reluctant to serve as a conduit for players to anonymously vent their grievances with the international tennis body.

“But what did anyone expect when they elected me to this post?” Federer mused. “Imagine if they’d elected Murat Safin, or some other crazy Russian prick like Davydenko? That would have fucked up tennis the same way Yeltsin fucked up democracy in the post-Gorbachev era, a bloke who vowed to bring US-style capitalism and democracy but delivered nothing but a raft of broken promises and Vodka-fueled international embarrassments.”

“Where the fuck is the vodka at?”

“We can’t let the Russians – or any of those dickheads from the Baltics or what-have-you – overtake the ATP. Shit, we’d probably run out of food and Gatorade if we did that. Have you even seen the trains in Russia? They’re fucked.”

“Actually, come to think of it, Russians are pretty good at creating wealth disparity, what with the oligarchs and all. Maybe a Russian might help me become the first tennis billionaire,” he pondered.

As for his future as ATP president, Federer said he would continue to provide a limp, effeminate wrist – as opposed to a strong hand – in his democratically elected role. “This tennis caper is a massive cash cow that keeps on giving,” he explained.

“We need to avoid attracting any kind of bad press and just continue basking in goodwill, and the millions of corporate dollars will continue to flow my way – ahem, our way,” he said.

By Dave Edwards

Tebow Becomes Atheist As God Shines On Patriots

Denver quarterback Tim Tebow has reportedly ditched his strong Christian beliefs and converted to atheism following his team’s humiliating 45-10 loss to New England during the divisional round of the playoffs last weekend.

Following the loss, Tebow, famous for his come-from-behind victories and touchdown celebration where he prays on one knee, apparently told several wire reporters after the game that he had had a conversion of “epic proportions” after his team was thrashed by the Patriots.

A Denver insider, who was present in the locker room after the game, told The Public Apology: “Yeah, he’s not a believer anymore. He’s saying things like ‘there can’t be a God. Why would God let Tom Brady steal the limelight from me? Isn’t it enough he’s married to Giselle? God must live in that guy’s arse.’ He just kept going on and on, shouting at the ceiling.”

Brady, a lucky guy

Speculation regarding Tebow’s faith was confirmed the following day when team-mates spotted the quarterback clutching several manifestos by leading atheists. Tebow allegedly had copies of The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, God is Not Great by Christopher Hitchens and The End of Faith by Sam Harris.

Another Denver insider told The Public Apology that most of Tebow’s antics were simply a show for the cameras.“I mean the ‘Tebowing,’ that was just to get his name in the papers,” he said.

“We didn’t realise he would be so quick to convert back. I mean, I thought he believed in a higher power at the very least. I didn’t think it was all for show.”

‘Tebowing,’ the name given to the quarterback’s touchdown celebration, gained worldwide prominence this year when ordinary people from all walks of life emulated the move and posted photos and videos of their exploits on social media websites.

However, following the Broncos heavy defeat, it appears ‘Tebowing’ is set to go the way of ‘Planking’, the Macarena, the ‘Turkey Slap’, and other short-lived yet highly enjoyable fads.

A quick prayer with 0:45 left in the fourth

Professor of Sociology at Colombia University Howard Shine said that American society had reached the point where “we’ve all got the attention span of fleas.”

“We crave immediate satisfaction and don’t have the capacity to delay gratification,” he explained. “That’s how we get things like ‘Tebowing’ – but the thing is, we’re now so stupid as a culture that we’ll move onto the next thing quickly. So in five years’ time, we won’t remember anything about ‘Tebowing.'”

Tim Tebow’s conversion to atheism has also worried high-level religious officials both in the US and overseas. A spokesman for the Archdiocese of Boston told reporters following the game, “Tebow was very, very good for our brand.”

“Kids all over the country were like ‘I love God, I don’t want to have sex, and I hate homosexuals.’ For a minute there, everybody forgot about all that child molestation stuff.”

By Nick Gordon