Jamal Anderson outraged over ‘Dirty Bird’ celebration

Former Atlanta Falcons running back Jamal Anderson has tweeted his disgust at New York Giants receiver Hakeem Nicks, who on Sunday performed the former Falcon’s signature ‘Dirty Bird’ touchdown celebration upon scoring a touchdown in his side’s 24-2 victory over Atlanta.

Nicks, clearly mocking Anderson and the Falcons, performed ‘The Dirty Bird’ – which involves arm flapping and an exaggerated sideways movement of the hips – following a 72-yard touchdown run which resulted in the Giants winning the game and advancing in the playoffs.

The Bird is back...

Following Nicks’ reinterpretation of ‘The Dirty Bird’ in front of the television cameras, Anderson, who was watching the game from his Atlanta mansion, took to Twitter to express his disgust at the ‘up yours’ shown towards the Falcons.

“NO HE DIDN’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,” he cleverly retorted, typing under the handle @jamthedirtybird.

His excessive use of exclamation marks – there were 23 – has led some analysts to suggest Anderson was possibly in a cocaine-induced stupor and accidentally passed out whilst having his finger over the exclamation mark key on his computer.

Anderson was arrested in February 2009 on suspicion of cocaine possession. Atlanta police said that Anderson and another man were snorting cocaine off a toilet bowl in the bathroom of the notorious Peachtree Tavern nightclub.

Gay rumours encircled Anderson soon after his bathroom arrest

However, many other NFL insiders have theories for how the excessive number of punctuation marks could have come about.

”He probably just doesn’t know what an exclamation mark means. Or that you really only need one,” said a Falcon insider who spoke to The Public Apology anonymously. “NFL players chase a ball round a field for their whole lives – they don’t have much time for English usage lessons during their careers. Not many top players come out of the English department at Bennington,” he went on to say.

When later asked about the unauthorised performance of ‘The Dirty Bird’ and his furious – and grammatically puzzling – response via Twitter, Anderson expressed remorse.

“Btw, I’m not mad at Nicks,” Anderson Tweeted. “I Broke out the Dirty Bird in 98, it’s trending on Twitter in 2012. When people think about Dirty Bird, they all know I was the dirtiest bird of all time.”

By Nick Gordon

Mario Balotelli scoops final Guildford Award for 2011

Mario Balotelli… Where to begin?

After already featuring on TPA for attempting to blow up his home and the City of Manchester Stadium, Manchester City player Balotelli’s eccentricities have made him a fan favourite from arguably one of the competition’s most disliked teams.

January has brought transfer rumours, but December only brought the sort of elegant flamboyance you might expect from a Ghanaian Sicilian.

Closing out the calendar year in style, Balotelli allegedly hit the streets dressed as Santa Claus handing out twenty quid notes Robin Hood-style (because yes the amount he earns is tantamount to highway robbery). Not long before he was involved in his fourth training run fracas in his brief stint at the club, this time with all-round arsehole Micah Richards. Top it off by deliberating scoring with his shoulder against Norwich in the ultimate show of cheeky arrogance and you actually have a pretty quiet month for our hero.

Balotelli and Richards going at it

He first came to global attention when earlier this year he was subbed for a botched back-heel in a pre-season friendly. Manager Mancini claimed he hadn’t shown enough ‘respect’ to the opposition – pretty rich considering City have shown no respect to anybody this year, let alone the rules of the game, but that’s another article altogether. He has since thrown a dart at a youth-team player (kid probably deserved it), suffered an allergic reaction to grass (who doesn’t green out every now and then?), gave £1,000 to a homeless person (for services rendered?), and driven a wagging school kid to his school to confront a bully (ahem, for services rendered?????).

Include being linked to a pornagraphic actress and implicated in a Mafioso investigation in Naples and the full picture on Mr. Mario begins to form – that of the Greek God of Awesome.

Balotelli was said to be "seriously dating" this Italian porn star

Oh and he’s actually played some footbal and scored a shitload of goals.

In a recent interview Balotelli explained “I do do some surprising things, sometimes they are amusing, but I am not crazy.”

But he was crazy enough to turn down the opportunity to speak to TPA after collecting the award. His agent only informing us that he was “balls deep in a very important matter”. A Christmas Elf perhaps?

Regardless, our pom-pommed hats go off to you Balotelli and may 2012 bring more of the same.

By Al McClintock

The fine art of personal branding

With 2012 having only just begun, most in the United States are already overwhelmed by an onslaught of campaign ads.  With President Obama facing re-election later this year, it is the Republicans’ turn to force-feed their ideology to the American public via 30 second TV ads.  Just imagine a gun-toting, middle-aged man barking about freedom from the atheistic liberals.

And while the idea of suffering through another nine months of hyperbolic nonsense is painful at best, it has me thinking … why don’t professional athletes do the same?

So, why are you such a douche?

Sure, endorsing products is a much more lucrative way for an athlete to publicize his personal brand, but what if you saw a paid advertisement from the athlete himself?  Some would say Lebron James and ESPN tried this when James announced he was leaving Cleveland for Miami.  Problem being that was more of a Lebron infomercial, not a commercial.  That didn’t work for the same reasons people prefer texting as opposed to talking.  Anyone who has ever ignored a call from their parents the morning after a heavy bender knows exactly what I’m talking about.  Instead of sitting around for thirty minutes trying to blow yourself – as Lebron and ESPN did – I want a simple, quick blast of information.

The most violent reaction to an infomercial ever

For instance, with the NFL season nearly over, why shouldn’t Aaron Rodgers and Drew Brees put out 30 second spots campaigning for the league’s MVP.  Better yet, Tim Tebow could put out an ad out asking why so many people hate him.  Maybe something like this:

“Hi, my name is Tim Tebow and I would really like it if you liked me.  Sure I’m not an ideal quarterback; I certainly don’t have great stats, but – much like my savior Jesus Christ – I single-handedly resurrected the Denver Broncos.  Do you like an underdog? If so, please join me, Tim Tebow, as I kill ‘em with kindness all the way to the top!” 

Of course as soon as that was released, Tom Brady would have to respond.  Brady, cool as a cucumber, would wait a few days and leak a video on Youtube.  Why Youtube? Brady wants to be the quarterback of the people.  Though the cost of making the ad will be just as expensive as Tebow’s, by making it viral Brady appears to be ‘in touch’ with his audience.  The video wouldn’t actually feature Brady himself, but rather his wife – supermodel Gisele Bundchen.  Brazil’s most popular export would be wearing nothing but her husband’s game jersey while stomping Tebow’s Broncos the week before Christmas.  As the camera begins to pan in on Gisele, she poses the following question:  “Tebow … SERIOUSLY???”

Brady... seriously?

Would this spark a petty, manufactured rivalry? Indeed.  And provide even more pointless banter between journalists and fans? Absolutely.  But like those political ads we are already sick of, we would never turn them off.

By RJ Karas