Jeremy Lin Exposed

NBA star Jeremy Lin’s improbable rise has been exposed as an utter furphy, with reports that the Harvard-educated, Taiwanese-American is in fact neither of those two things.

The Public Apology can confirm that Lin is in fact a 24-year-old African-American from Atlanta named Tyrone Williams, who was recruited by the NBA to provide a “feel-good human interest story” in the sorry aftermath of the lockout. Hollywood makeup artists have been working around the clock over the past month to transform high-school dropout Williams into a global marketing sensation worth billions in corporate sponsorship.

Speculation over Lin’s real identity only arose during All-Star weekend, when the point-guard slipped into Ebonics in answering a question from ESPN sportscaster Stuart Scott.

Williams’ grammatical slip up led Scott to break the story

NBA Commissioner David Stern, who masterminded ‘Linsanity’, told The Public Apology that he’d ordered his talent scouts to “go find some poor black kid playing pick-up ball and promise him the world.”

“This young kid walked into my office just after Christmas last year, and I just knew instantly that we had our solution to all the shit publicity we’ve had over the past six months,” he said.

“I asked him if he wanted to play in the NBA. He said’ hell yeah, whatever it takes, baby!’ So I moved quickly to leverage that desperation. I pulled out a wad of cash – because, you know, I’m a rich motherfucker – and said, ‘you want some of this?’ His eyes lit up like a row of poker machines.”

At the behest of Stern, Williams was promptly put on a plane to New York and given a crash course in macro-economics and Taiwanese. Respected Harvard professors were bribed to say they had taught the “economics prodigy;” likewise his fictitious ‘classmates’, who were told to emphasise how brilliant Lin was when questioned by journalists.

Harvard professors, said to have accepted bribes

Lin’s back-story goes that he was waived by the Houston Rockets and the Golden State Warriors before his unlikely ascent at the Knicks. However, that player was in fact a little-known Vietnamese-American player named Alvin Ng, who was brought over by Stern three years ago in an ambitious two-fold play: to cash in on the lucrative Asian dollar and to hopefully restore Viet-American relations, which have remained frosty ever since the Vietnam War.

“Sure, it didn’t work, but that’s only because Alvin had no handle,” Stern explained. “I realised that if I really wanted to penetrate Asia I’d need to think outside the box.”

When asked what would become of Lin now the jig was up, Stern said the story was “a metaphor for life” and as such, transcended the actual truth.

“I’ve gotta say, I’m a bit surprised it took so long for everyone to figure out he wasn’t a Harvard-educated Asian. Have you seen how well he gets on with Amar’e [Stoudemire] and Landry [Fields]? You don’t learn how to chest-pump at Harvard.”

Chest bumps, not part of the Harvard curriculum

UNEXPECTED BUSINESS ACUMEN: But despite the minor hurdle, it appears that Williams is prospering under his new sobriquet. In an unlikely display of business acumen, it emerged recently that the 24-year-old had moved to trademark ‘Linsanity’, filing an application through the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office.

If successful, it would land him exclusive rights to slap the name on more than 50 consumer products, ranging from action figures to a wide range of condoms – and make even more money. All the more remarkable (and ironic) is the fact that Williams had never taken an economics class before landing an NBA contract.

While the story of a Harvard-educated, Taiwanese-American making it in the NBA has scored headlines around the world and offered a humble, human-interest slant to a mostly ridiculous competition, the real focus should be on the young man from Atlanta.

Despite his impoverished background, broken home and lack of Mandarin/Taiwanese-Hokkien skills, Williams has captured the attention of the world and reinvigorated the struggling New York Knicks. And he’s making a mint in the process.

By Dave Edwards

 

Music Review: GWS theme song

Not being one to spruik an oft repeated tune, I think this will be sung before round seven and then regularly throughout the year – but then again I’ve been saying the Bombers are premiership certainties the last decade, so what do I know?

Penned by Cat Empire member and self-appointed lecher Harry Angus, the Greater Western Sydney AFL theme song ticks all the boxes necessary for a successful club song:

  • A child could sing it
  • A child could have written it
  • Children could die to the sound of perverts humming it
Herbert, heard humming the GWS song in recent episodes

It also provides an interesting insight into the workings of the Cat Empire song machine. Long have I thought that they were puppets controlled by some powers that be – like a record label, or the Freemasons – but now I know there are in fact Oompa Loompas hidden under their ridiculous straw hats, massaging their skulls and sending orange finger tipped impulses deep into the synapses of their jazz-hipster brains.

“You feel the ground A-SHAKING
The other teams are quaking
In their boots before the GIANTS”

Genius.

The scruffy hipsters charged with revolutionising AFL team songs

“We take the longest strides
And the highest leap
We’re stronger than the rest”

Fucking brilliant!

Only a green haired, overall wearing Demi-God could have come up with such seductive verse.

Folau will fly to this. Scully will mislead a country and his teammates for this. Sheedy will intricately carve the sheet music into a wooden spoon and send it to Phil Gould at the end of the season.

Sheedy and Gould – a greased up oiled sex fest waiting to happen.

Gould, becoming more amphibious with age

A battle for the West has begun and the boys in short shorts have begun their cry.

How will the Panthers respond? Are there enough bogan sheilas to meet the extra demand on vaguely consentual gang bangs in our West?

Who knows?

The Oompa Loompa doompadee do.

By Al McClintock

Suarez ‘No Shake’ Saga Takes Unexpected Twist

Luis Suarez’s decision to not shake the hand of Patrice Evra was not a snub, but a strategic move to avoid an embarrassing third-consecutive “rock, paper scissors” loss to his Manchester United sparring partner.

The revelation has forced several media outlets to do a complete U-turn on their reporting after they somewhat embarrassingly made reports about a race row between the pair.

Suarez defended the apparent act of bad sportsmanship in an official yet bemusing Liverpool media release, which has incidentally sent shock-waves through the sport’s peak body, the National Association of Scissors Anonymous (NASA).

NASA said they would be launching a full investigation into the matter to see whether Suarez was in fact in violation of the NASA Code of Conduct. The Public Apology has made some inquiries of its own and discovered that Suarez will most likely be facing a very public exile from Scissors Anonymous under Section 3 of their handbook:

A player caught avoiding a rock, paper, scissor battle will be banned for 6 matches, subjected to a rigorous drugs test analysis, and generally considered a pussy until his or her suspension has been lifted.

Image supplied by NASA

NASA’s knee-jerk reaction is not surprising and comes less than 18 months after John Terry was caught with an electrical buzzer on his palm during pre-game formalities against Manchester City. On that occasion Wayne Bridge reported Terry for foul play before a national league crisis was instigated; however, NASA’s credibility took a huge hit in the process.

In a bizarre twist of fate and misfortune for Suarez – who infamously went on a run of 23 consecutive wins without erring from “rock” – recently accredited NASA referee and Manchester United goalkeeper David de Gea was quick to pull Suarez up on his obvious indiscretion.

De Gea was the first man on the scene after Suarez blew past Evra, like he has so many other defenders on the football pitch. This gave de Gea the opportunity to make his first stop of the 2011/2012 premier league season by grabbing the arm of the Uruguayan international.

Following the game, Evra said of de Gea: “His goalkeeping is poor, but his scissors knowledge is good.”

De Gea, in talks to reprise Michael J. Fox’s character in Teen Wolf remake

Rumours were rife as to why the 21-year-old Spanish sensation would need a second income via NASA refereeing; indeed, they have done nothing to quell talks that Peter Schmeichel’s 9-year-old nephew, Shaun, will take over the goalmouth in the latter part of the English Premier League campaign.

But today’s announcement was all about Suarez and his refusal to enter into a match of “scissor, paper, rock” with Evra. And the Spaniard has confirmed that the scuffle alleged to have taken place in the players’ tunnel during the interval was, again, just another misunderstanding.

“There was a bit of a joust in the tunnel at half-time, but only because Alex Ferguson forgot to bring the piece of cardboard for the bi-yearly ‘Manager Break Dance Competition’. It was very disrespectful from an experienced manager. Kenny [Dalglish] brought his boom-box, so why can’t their manager bring the cardboard? I cannot understand it,” Suarez said.

Fergie, a dubstep enthusiast

Meanwhile, in an impromptu door-stop interview outside a Balmain pie shop, legendary swimming legend Dawn Fraser said of the matter: “This has nothing to do with me, but I’ll still give you my opinion.”

Much like Dawn Fraser’s health, tensions between the two most successful clubs in English Football appear to be reaching a tipping point.

By Ian Higgins