An Impartial Viewer’s Guide to the Super Bowl

I’ve always wondered what it’s like being a chick watching sports.  From a guy’s perspective, a woman’s logic behind cheering for a specific team is absolutely baffling.  More often than not, it has something to do with her misguided fantasies over shacking up with one team’s most important player, or, alternatively, how aesthetically pleasing one teams’ uniforms are.  Or maybe that’s just me being a condescending asshole, who knows?

Living the life...

Saying that, here’s my completely logical thought process as I consider who to cheer for in Super Bowl XLVI  …

  • Which team has wives, girlfriends & groupies?

This is not one of those questions where the answer seems to easy so it can’t possibly be correct.  The right answer is the obvious answer.  Tom Brady is doing what every man in the world dreams of doing.  Brady’s pulled the Gisele Bundchen.  It would not be possible to scientifically create a hotter person. ADVANTAGE PATRIOTS

  • Which player has the best nick-name?

The degree of difficulty here has increased a bit. That said, after thorough due diligence, a clear winner emerges. One BenJarvis Green-Ellis – that is not a typo … this man’s first name not only is a combination of both a real name and  a made-up word, but there are also two capitalized letters in said first name – is commonly referred to as The Law Firm.  Why is BenJarvis Green-Ellis graced with such esteem? Compare his name with any business card from a law firm and you will understand. ADVANTAGE PATRIOTS

BenJarvis Green-Ellis, the compensation law specialists
  • Which coach is less of a dickhead?

To be honest this is a push.  Both Bill Belichick and Tom Coughlin look like they have a giant stick up their respective asses.  What’s the tie-breaker? Google ‘Bill Belichick Girlfriend’ and the answer will be obvious. Belichick is stealing a play from his quarterback’s playbook on this one.  ADVANTAGE PATRIOTS

  • What is the better clam chowder … New England or Manhattan?

If you’ve ever had clam chowder, you know the answer to this question.  ADVANTAGE PATRIOTS

A classic New England breadbowl

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And for the gamblers…

  • What is the result of the first offensive play of the game? A ‘first-down by pass’ is paying 4.5 to 1.
  • Will there be a successful 2 point conversion in the game?  ‘Yes’ is paying 3.75 to 1.
  • Will there be a scoreless quarter?  ‘Yes’ is paying 3.25 to 1.
  • What will be the exact number of 3 point field goals? Both ‘2’ and ‘3’ are paying 3 to 1.
  • How will New England score their first touchdown? A ‘rushing touchdown’ is paying 3.25 to 1. 
By R.J. Karas

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