Warner Bros. Threatens Nine With Legal Action

US film and TV behemoth Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc. is threatening legal action against Channel Nine over trademark infringement – a move that could put the network’s Commonwealth Bank triangular one-day series in jeopardy.

The case stems from the first T20 international between Australia and India earlier this month, when Channel Nine used the term Warner over 700 times in a three hour broadcast – despite the batsman himself only facing a paltry 14 balls.

Warner Bros is reportedly livid over the liberal use of the phrase “you’ve been Warnered”, coined by Michael Slater and later flogged mercilessly by Ian Healy and Mark Nicholas.

The term “you’ve been Warnered” was commonly used in Hollywood in the mid-1970s; it referred to being sexually liberated in the “doggy-style” position by an elderly man while he snorts a deadly cocktail of cocaine, opium and whiskey off your back.

“You’ve been Warnered!!!”

Warner Bros. co-founder Jack Warner is said to have performed this feat numerous times off the back of many an aspiring model-actress, and it was known to be the death-knell for one’s prospective career if it was found out they had been “Warnered”.

Warner Bros. copyrighted the term in 1979 in an attempt to stop the rampant use of the phrase.

It is unclear if wand-wielding hitmen appeared out of thin air after its use, but given Mark Nicholas’ apparent lack of alarm after frequently uttering the words, it seems unlikely.

Channel Nine representative and notorious racist Tony Greig defended the network in an official statement, saying “for fuck’s sake, it’s the bloke’s name!”

But Warner Bros. has a history of copyright litigation, with then little-known baseballer Mickey Mouse being forced to change his name in the late 1930s after an injunction by another well-documented racist, Walt Disney.

M. Mouse, the slugger was forced to change name by deed poll

Joe DiMaggio, as he later became known, had a highly successful Major League career, but never really let go of his orginal identity and often referred to second wife Marilyn Monroe as “My Minnie” to his drinking buddies.

Warner Bros. representatives declined The Public Apology‘s requests for comment, instead referring all enquiries to a largely unhelpful rabbit.

WARNER DENIES BISEXUAL CLAIMS: Meanwhile, David Warner, who himself has remained quiet on the controversy, has taken the opportunity to refute claims of his bisexuality following an explosion of “David Warner switch-hitter?” online search engine entries.

“Despite what Shaun Marsh might be saying I never had to suck any dicks to get a lift home from training,” Warner said.

“Sure it was a pain lugging that big kit bag up the hill, but I’d rather be copping that load than any other.”

By Al McClintock

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