Shane Watson’s Libido To Blame For Injury Curse

Shane Watson’s idyllic marriage to Fox Sports presenter – and former Ian Thorpe handbag – Lee Furlong is the unlikely reason behind a slew of new injuries that threaten to derail the cricketer’s career, according to insiders.

The accusation comes as Watson battles to overcome a string of injuries since he tied the knot in mid-2010 with Furlong – a decision he is now said to deeply regret, despite his eternal happiness.

Prior to his nuptials, Watson was on a hot streak on the cricket field, scooping numerous Allan Border medals and shining in an otherwise forgettable Ashes tour of England in 2009. However, the all-rounder has recently been struck down with a new injury that could hamper his involvement in the three forms of the game.

But it is the way the injury was sustained that is raising eyebrows within Cricket Australia.

Furlong, a taskmaster

The Watson story bears similarity to that of AC Milan footballer Kevin Prince Boateng, who has himself missed a vast number of Serie A matches this season. Boateng’s girlfriend, Sports Illustrated model Melissa Satta, revealed last month that the couple’s vigorous sex life was “the reason he is always injured.”

Since Watson and Furlong tied the knot, it is believed the pair have engaged in weekly coitus – estimated at 10-15 times a week, slightly above Boateng’s weekly indulgence of 7-10 –  and insiders have suggested that this promiscuous behaviour is what has sparked Watson’s recurring back troubles.

Cricket Australia team performance manager Pat Howard said the injury-prone Watson could not keep playing all three forms of the game if he maintained such a prolific and healthy sex life.

Satta, costing AC Milan millions

“We’ve tried asking him to tone things down, but they obviously have a healthy relationship; they’re both young people in the prime of their lives, so there’s not much you can do from an administrative point of view,” Howard told The Public Apology.

“What I will say is he was playing a lot better when he was single and just getting the occasional root on a tour of India.”

“Shit, I thought getting married meant you didn’t have sex any more,” Howard chuckled, quietly pleased with his cliched observation on the pitfalls of married life.

SEX BAN TO APPLY TO ALL: However, The Public Apology can reveal that Cricket Australia is contemplating a total sex ban on the 25 CA-contracted players, in the wake of injuries to Pat Cummins, James Pattinson and a number of other key performers.

“These young blokes have gotten famous real quick and, as a result, young sheilas are throwing themselves at them in nightclubs. Do you expect them to turn down a night of guilt-free groupie-style sex just so they can bowl a few more dot balls?” Cricket Australia CEO James Sutherland said.

“If you don’t have sex you can’t get injured – and therefore you play well and justify your large pay packets. Abstinence is the only answer.”

Cummins, unable to spurn the advances of young female fans

Howard said the move was inspired by American college sports – in particular Mormon schools such as BYU – and the incredible success of Denver Broncos quarterback and staunch Christian, Tim Tebow. Some observers have also pointed to the 1948 Invincibles side, which had a strong Catholic contingent, as evidence that religion and sport can mix.

“Tebow and [Sacramento Kings point-guard, Jimmer] Fredette are just two examples of how abstinence and religion can lead to on-field results,” Sutherland said.

“If we can somehow convince our cricketers to stop sleeping around – and, shit, maybe even take up some kind of religion – then I think we’d be in a lot better shape than we are.”

There are no plans as yet to enforce Christian ideals within the Australian dressing-room, although well-documented Catholic Matthew Hayden is believed to have expressed interest in helping the team discover spirituality.

“If Cricket Australia asked me to hug a bunch of blokes and tell them that I love them and that God cares about them, then I’d do it in a heartbeat,” Hayden said.

“I love hugging blokes. I just fucking love it.”

By Dave Edwards

 

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