Suarez ‘No Shake’ Saga Takes Unexpected Twist

Luis Suarez’s decision to not shake the hand of Patrice Evra was not a snub, but a strategic move to avoid an embarrassing third-consecutive “rock, paper scissors” loss to his Manchester United sparring partner.

The revelation has forced several media outlets to do a complete U-turn on their reporting after they somewhat embarrassingly made reports about a race row between the pair.

Suarez defended the apparent act of bad sportsmanship in an official yet bemusing Liverpool media release, which has incidentally sent shock-waves through the sport’s peak body, the National Association of Scissors Anonymous (NASA).

NASA said they would be launching a full investigation into the matter to see whether Suarez was in fact in violation of the NASA Code of Conduct. The Public Apology has made some inquiries of its own and discovered that Suarez will most likely be facing a very public exile from Scissors Anonymous under Section 3 of their handbook:

A player caught avoiding a rock, paper, scissor battle will be banned for 6 matches, subjected to a rigorous drugs test analysis, and generally considered a pussy until his or her suspension has been lifted.

Image supplied by NASA

NASA’s knee-jerk reaction is not surprising and comes less than 18 months after John Terry was caught with an electrical buzzer on his palm during pre-game formalities against Manchester City. On that occasion Wayne Bridge reported Terry for foul play before a national league crisis was instigated; however, NASA’s credibility took a huge hit in the process.

In a bizarre twist of fate and misfortune for Suarez – who infamously went on a run of 23 consecutive wins without erring from “rock” – recently accredited NASA referee and Manchester United goalkeeper David de Gea was quick to pull Suarez up on his obvious indiscretion.

De Gea was the first man on the scene after Suarez blew past Evra, like he has so many other defenders on the football pitch. This gave de Gea the opportunity to make his first stop of the 2011/2012 premier league season by grabbing the arm of the Uruguayan international.

Following the game, Evra said of de Gea: “His goalkeeping is poor, but his scissors knowledge is good.”

De Gea, in talks to reprise Michael J. Fox’s character in Teen Wolf remake

Rumours were rife as to why the 21-year-old Spanish sensation would need a second income via NASA refereeing; indeed, they have done nothing to quell talks that Peter Schmeichel’s 9-year-old nephew, Shaun, will take over the goalmouth in the latter part of the English Premier League campaign.

But today’s announcement was all about Suarez and his refusal to enter into a match of “scissor, paper, rock” with Evra. And the Spaniard has confirmed that the scuffle alleged to have taken place in the players’ tunnel during the interval was, again, just another misunderstanding.

“There was a bit of a joust in the tunnel at half-time, but only because Alex Ferguson forgot to bring the piece of cardboard for the bi-yearly ‘Manager Break Dance Competition’. It was very disrespectful from an experienced manager. Kenny [Dalglish] brought his boom-box, so why can’t their manager bring the cardboard? I cannot understand it,” Suarez said.

Fergie, a dubstep enthusiast

Meanwhile, in an impromptu door-stop interview outside a Balmain pie shop, legendary swimming legend Dawn Fraser said of the matter: “This has nothing to do with me, but I’ll still give you my opinion.”

Much like Dawn Fraser’s health, tensions between the two most successful clubs in English Football appear to be reaching a tipping point.

By Ian Higgins

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