Haddin ‘Rested’ From Local Club Team

Having just been “rested” from Australia’s one day cricket team, Brad Haddin has now been stood down from his Sydney grade  club for the same reason, The Public Apology can report.

The exclusive revelation comes after Haddin turned out for his Sydney grade club, Eastern Suburbs, against a Sutherland team containing Shane Watson in an attempt to rediscover form and confidence ahead of Australia’s upcoming West Indies tour.

In the one-day grade fixture, Haddin generously relinquished the ‘keeping gloves to young teammate Peter Nevill, who promptly took two catches and struck 98 not out from 118 balls.  Haddin, meanwhile, was dismissed for one run – befitting of a player of his calibre.

Peter Nevill, according to Google Images

Despite Haddin remaining upbeat about his chances of recapturing form and his Australian position, his immediate priority will now turn to recapturing his position in first grade, with reports that he will be dropped to second grade.  Sorry, I mean “rested” from his first grade duties.

Eastern Suburbs Club President Moshe Ezekiel confirmed to this reporter following the match that Haddin would indeed be given a break from first grade cricket.  “Brad has been playing a lot of cricket this season – not very successfully I’ll admit – but still a lot of cricket,” he said.

“We think it is in his best interests to spend some time in second grade, where the demands on him won’t be as rigorous.  One thing is for sure though, he hasn’t been dropped.  And he hasn’t been dropped from the Australian team either.  Let me just stress again – we’re not dropping him.”

“Oh, shit, dropped another one.”

When quizzed about how much less rigorous the demands could be, considering he didn’t keep wickets in the weekend’s game, Ezekiel deflected the question to instead note Peter Nevill’s success.  “It was more about giving Pete a go.  That and the fact that Brad has forgotten how to catch.  A couple of our quick bowlers get pretty upset when catches go down.  I didn’t want to be dealing with that,” he said.

The Public Apology also spoke briefly to Haddin himself to gauge his reaction to the news.  As always, he was complimentary to those who had replaced him: “Yeah, it’s good to get a bit of a break, and I’m just really happy to see Peter Nevill do such a good job today.  Just like I’m happy to see Matthew Wade doing such a great job in my place for Australia,” he said.

“It’s fucking fantastic to see all these young pricks doing such a great fucking job”.

Wade has pounced on the vacant keeping position

When asked to put a finger on what prompted his spate of dropped catches during Australia’s recent test series against India, Haddin suddenly became defensive. “I didn’t drop the catches.  They weren’t dropped.  I was just resting them on those occasions.  There is a difference,” he maintained.

Meanwhile, the Eastern Suburbs fourth grade players who were at Waverley Oval to cheer on their first grade side have expressed their excitement at the prospect of having Brad Haddin bolstering their line up for the last few games of the season.

“Yeah we’re pretty confident that [Haddin] will soon be rested from second and third grade; he’ll fit in well here on the hill with us smashing beers,” said one fourth-grader, who wished to remain anonymous, lest he reveal his drinking problem.

By Hugh Holden

Jeremy Lin brings Asian skills to NBA

If you are an Asian-American with an Economics degree from Harvard, breaking ankles in the NBA is not the natural post-graduation career path.  Actually, you don’t even need the stereotypical degree from an Ivy League school.

Previous to this year, if you were of Asian-American descent, the closest you got to seeing NBA action was when William Hung performed at halftime of a Rockets/Warriors game in 2004.  Asian-Americans playing NBA2K12, well… that’s another story; but what Hampsterdam was to the affluent white population of Baltimore in HBO’s The Wire, the NBA was to Asian-Americans… until Jeremy Lin arrived.

The Wire, not aimed at the Asian-American demographic

Prior to a week ago, Jeremy Lin had spent time with the Dallas Mavericks, Houston Rockets and the Golden State Warriors – and shockingly enough, William Hung’s 2004 performance didn’t do Lin any favors.  Lin also made multiple trips to the D-League and briefly spent time with the Chinese Taipei National Team prior to the 2011 FIBA World Championships.

But after going through three different point guard options – Baron Davis, Tony Douglas and Iman Shumpert – the New York Knicks, in desperate need of a facilitator, put Lin in the starting line up on February 4th against the New Jersey Nets.

On a ten day contract, living on his brother’s couch – a dental student at NYU – Lin has scored at least 20 points in each game he’s played.  Against the Wizards, he had 23 points & 10 assists (and humiliated Maurice Evens, who moved out of the way in order to avoid being on the wrong end of the Harvard grad’s poster); versus the Jazz, 28 & 8; and against the Nets, 25 & 7.  After the Jazz game, Lin’s first as a starter at Madison Square Garden, Knicks fans started an ‘M-V-P!’ chant for the Economics major from Harvard.

And as this goes to print, Lin has steered the Knicks to a clutch victory over the LA Lakers, dropping a career-high 38 points and seven assists on Kobe Bryant – a humbling experience for the Black Mumba, who admitted before the game that he had no idea who the hell this Lin guy was.

At this point, the only guy associated with Harvard who is more popular than Lin is Mark Zuckerburg – you know … that guy who started Facebook.

Just doing some coding before class

In fact, thanks to Jeremy Lin, Asian-Americans will no longer only be known for their brains, quick delivery service and impressive ratio of quality of service to cost.  Well, Asian-Americans are now… um… actually… still known for all those things.

Lin has proven is that the same skills needed for your company’s IT department, a Chinese food restaurant and a dry-cleaners are just as important on the basketball court. This guy has got the IQ to play in the NBA for years to come.

And I’m not talking about a “basketball IQ”, but a legitimate Harvard-honed IQ.

By R.J. Karas  

Shane Watson’s Libido To Blame For Injury Curse

Shane Watson’s idyllic marriage to Fox Sports presenter – and former Ian Thorpe handbag – Lee Furlong is the unlikely reason behind a slew of new injuries that threaten to derail the cricketer’s career, according to insiders.

The accusation comes as Watson battles to overcome a string of injuries since he tied the knot in mid-2010 with Furlong – a decision he is now said to deeply regret, despite his eternal happiness.

Prior to his nuptials, Watson was on a hot streak on the cricket field, scooping numerous Allan Border medals and shining in an otherwise forgettable Ashes tour of England in 2009. However, the all-rounder has recently been struck down with a new injury that could hamper his involvement in the three forms of the game.

But it is the way the injury was sustained that is raising eyebrows within Cricket Australia.

Furlong, a taskmaster

The Watson story bears similarity to that of AC Milan footballer Kevin Prince Boateng, who has himself missed a vast number of Serie A matches this season. Boateng’s girlfriend, Sports Illustrated model Melissa Satta, revealed last month that the couple’s vigorous sex life was “the reason he is always injured.”

Since Watson and Furlong tied the knot, it is believed the pair have engaged in weekly coitus – estimated at 10-15 times a week, slightly above Boateng’s weekly indulgence of 7-10 –  and insiders have suggested that this promiscuous behaviour is what has sparked Watson’s recurring back troubles.

Cricket Australia team performance manager Pat Howard said the injury-prone Watson could not keep playing all three forms of the game if he maintained such a prolific and healthy sex life.

Satta, costing AC Milan millions

“We’ve tried asking him to tone things down, but they obviously have a healthy relationship; they’re both young people in the prime of their lives, so there’s not much you can do from an administrative point of view,” Howard told The Public Apology.

“What I will say is he was playing a lot better when he was single and just getting the occasional root on a tour of India.”

“Shit, I thought getting married meant you didn’t have sex any more,” Howard chuckled, quietly pleased with his cliched observation on the pitfalls of married life.

SEX BAN TO APPLY TO ALL: However, The Public Apology can reveal that Cricket Australia is contemplating a total sex ban on the 25 CA-contracted players, in the wake of injuries to Pat Cummins, James Pattinson and a number of other key performers.

“These young blokes have gotten famous real quick and, as a result, young sheilas are throwing themselves at them in nightclubs. Do you expect them to turn down a night of guilt-free groupie-style sex just so they can bowl a few more dot balls?” Cricket Australia CEO James Sutherland said.

“If you don’t have sex you can’t get injured – and therefore you play well and justify your large pay packets. Abstinence is the only answer.”

Cummins, unable to spurn the advances of young female fans

Howard said the move was inspired by American college sports – in particular Mormon schools such as BYU – and the incredible success of Denver Broncos quarterback and staunch Christian, Tim Tebow. Some observers have also pointed to the 1948 Invincibles side, which had a strong Catholic contingent, as evidence that religion and sport can mix.

“Tebow and [Sacramento Kings point-guard, Jimmer] Fredette are just two examples of how abstinence and religion can lead to on-field results,” Sutherland said.

“If we can somehow convince our cricketers to stop sleeping around – and, shit, maybe even take up some kind of religion – then I think we’d be in a lot better shape than we are.”

There are no plans as yet to enforce Christian ideals within the Australian dressing-room, although well-documented Catholic Matthew Hayden is believed to have expressed interest in helping the team discover spirituality.

“If Cricket Australia asked me to hug a bunch of blokes and tell them that I love them and that God cares about them, then I’d do it in a heartbeat,” Hayden said.

“I love hugging blokes. I just fucking love it.”

By Dave Edwards