Warner Bros. Threatens Nine With Legal Action

US film and TV behemoth Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc. is threatening legal action against Channel Nine over trademark infringement – a move that could put the network’s Commonwealth Bank triangular one-day series in jeopardy.

The case stems from the first T20 international between Australia and India earlier this month, when Channel Nine used the term Warner over 700 times in a three hour broadcast – despite the batsman himself only facing a paltry 14 balls.

Warner Bros is reportedly livid over the liberal use of the phrase “you’ve been Warnered”, coined by Michael Slater and later flogged mercilessly by Ian Healy and Mark Nicholas.

The term “you’ve been Warnered” was commonly used in Hollywood in the mid-1970s; it referred to being sexually liberated in the “doggy-style” position by an elderly man while he snorts a deadly cocktail of cocaine, opium and whiskey off your back.

“You’ve been Warnered!!!”

Warner Bros. co-founder Jack Warner is said to have performed this feat numerous times off the back of many an aspiring model-actress, and it was known to be the death-knell for one’s prospective career if it was found out they had been “Warnered”.

Warner Bros. copyrighted the term in 1979 in an attempt to stop the rampant use of the phrase.

It is unclear if wand-wielding hitmen appeared out of thin air after its use, but given Mark Nicholas’ apparent lack of alarm after frequently uttering the words, it seems unlikely.

Channel Nine representative and notorious racist Tony Greig defended the network in an official statement, saying “for fuck’s sake, it’s the bloke’s name!”

But Warner Bros. has a history of copyright litigation, with then little-known baseballer Mickey Mouse being forced to change his name in the late 1930s after an injunction by another well-documented racist, Walt Disney.

M. Mouse, the slugger was forced to change name by deed poll

Joe DiMaggio, as he later became known, had a highly successful Major League career, but never really let go of his orginal identity and often referred to second wife Marilyn Monroe as “My Minnie” to his drinking buddies.

Warner Bros. representatives declined The Public Apology‘s requests for comment, instead referring all enquiries to a largely unhelpful rabbit.

WARNER DENIES BISEXUAL CLAIMS: Meanwhile, David Warner, who himself has remained quiet on the controversy, has taken the opportunity to refute claims of his bisexuality following an explosion of “David Warner switch-hitter?” online search engine entries.

“Despite what Shaun Marsh might be saying I never had to suck any dicks to get a lift home from training,” Warner said.

“Sure it was a pain lugging that big kit bag up the hill, but I’d rather be copping that load than any other.”

By Al McClintock

An Impartial Viewer’s Guide to the Super Bowl

I’ve always wondered what it’s like being a chick watching sports.  From a guy’s perspective, a woman’s logic behind cheering for a specific team is absolutely baffling.  More often than not, it has something to do with her misguided fantasies over shacking up with one team’s most important player, or, alternatively, how aesthetically pleasing one teams’ uniforms are.  Or maybe that’s just me being a condescending asshole, who knows?

Living the life...

Saying that, here’s my completely logical thought process as I consider who to cheer for in Super Bowl XLVI  …

  • Which team has wives, girlfriends & groupies?

This is not one of those questions where the answer seems to easy so it can’t possibly be correct.  The right answer is the obvious answer.  Tom Brady is doing what every man in the world dreams of doing.  Brady’s pulled the Gisele Bundchen.  It would not be possible to scientifically create a hotter person. ADVANTAGE PATRIOTS

  • Which player has the best nick-name?

The degree of difficulty here has increased a bit. That said, after thorough due diligence, a clear winner emerges. One BenJarvis Green-Ellis – that is not a typo … this man’s first name not only is a combination of both a real name and  a made-up word, but there are also two capitalized letters in said first name – is commonly referred to as The Law Firm.  Why is BenJarvis Green-Ellis graced with such esteem? Compare his name with any business card from a law firm and you will understand. ADVANTAGE PATRIOTS

BenJarvis Green-Ellis, the compensation law specialists
  • Which coach is less of a dickhead?

To be honest this is a push.  Both Bill Belichick and Tom Coughlin look like they have a giant stick up their respective asses.  What’s the tie-breaker? Google ‘Bill Belichick Girlfriend’ and the answer will be obvious. Belichick is stealing a play from his quarterback’s playbook on this one.  ADVANTAGE PATRIOTS

  • What is the better clam chowder … New England or Manhattan?

If you’ve ever had clam chowder, you know the answer to this question.  ADVANTAGE PATRIOTS

A classic New England breadbowl

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

And for the gamblers…

  • What is the result of the first offensive play of the game? A ‘first-down by pass’ is paying 4.5 to 1.
  • Will there be a successful 2 point conversion in the game?  ‘Yes’ is paying 3.75 to 1.
  • Will there be a scoreless quarter?  ‘Yes’ is paying 3.25 to 1.
  • What will be the exact number of 3 point field goals? Both ‘2’ and ‘3’ are paying 3 to 1.
  • How will New England score their first touchdown? A ‘rushing touchdown’ is paying 3.25 to 1. 
By R.J. Karas

Harry Redknapp Earns Unlikely Guildford For Tax Shrug

Given the dearth of booze-fueled orgies and with public nudity being at an all time low, January was a month of slim pickings for the Guildfords judging panel. But in the spirit of white collar crime, The Public Apology is proud to announce Tottenham Hotspurs manager Harry Redknapp as the winner of the prestigious anti-award for January 2012.

Famous for his love of bacon sandwiches, Redders, as he is affectionately known, found himself in the doldrums of the London courts fighting allegations of plotting an extravagant ruse to avoid paying taxes on a £189,000 lump sum.

The amount, paid into an offshore account in Monaco named “Rosie” (after his much-loved bulldog), is said to emanate from his days as Portsmouth manager and the sale of the lanky head-target Peter Crouch.

Crouch: a massive head-target

The football icon has denied all allegations and is said to be furious with everyone and everything involved in the case, including his co-defendant Milan Mandaric, though still standing by him, saying neither would be so “silly” as to engage in tax evasion.

Redknapp did admit to lying about the account to journalist Rob Beasley, but explained “I don’t have to tell Mr Beasley the truth, I have to tell the police the truth, but not Mr Beasley. He’s a News of the World reporter.”

Seems fair enough, and who in their right mind would tell the truth to a News of the World reporter? Those narc0-coprophrageous pricks have been bending it for as long as footballers have loved strippers and blow.

Living the football lifestyle

Meanwhile, Tottenham has been quietly closing the gap on the top two clubs and seems poised to make an unlikely charge to the title, making Redknapp’s handling of the saga all that more impressive.

So enjoy your crispy English piglets, sir, and frolic with your much loved bulldogs – here’s hoping for another trophy on the mantlepiece come May.

By Al McClintock