What happened to New York City?

What happened to New York City? You know, the New York City that made legends. Where Joe Namath became ‘Broadway Joe’ … where Walt Fraizer became ‘Clyde’, a legend on and off the court.  That same New York City that Frank Sinatra crooned about…

New York, New York… I want to wake up in that city… that doesn’t sleep… and find that I’m king of the hill… top of the heap…

Over the past six weeks, New York City has been taken over by a nerd who plays for the Knicks and a choir boy who the Jets traded for.  Talk about an identity crisis.  Derek Jeter gets busted for giving his one-night stands’ a gift basket on the way out the door, and all of a sudden the supposed “greatest city in the world” is turning into a giant church camp.  Seriously, though, it was only a few years ago that Namath was drunkenly hitting on a sideline reporter during a Monday Night Football game – reminding everyone of the good ‘ole days. And Fraizer does play-by-play for the Knicks.  One look at him and you know he still has his fastball.

Instead, the city that could eat you up and spit you out before you blinked has gone soft.  ‘Broadway Joe’ and Fraizer would not even recognize what it is becoming. No longer are the days when Namath and Fraizer would rub elbows with Miles Davis and Teddy Pendergrass.  The newest Jet quarterback, Tim Tebow, is more likely to be teaching Sunday School to his teammate Antonio Cromartie’s nine illegitimate kids rather than making some of his own.  And the first person to debunk the rumor that Jeremy Lin and Kim Kardashian went on a date was Lin himself … what’s that about???? 

Here are two twenty-something professional athletes who are in bed before ten on a school night.  Lin especially; you know how quickly he could tear through Chinatown? He does not even need to try to use the line, “Hi, I’m Jackie Chan.”  And it isn’t like Tebow is practicing his throwing… you’d think he’d have plenty of time to mop up some of that Yankee tail.

The two virgins could be tearing NYC up

If Mark Sanchez is the closest thing New York City has to a playboy, then you know the city is in trouble.  The Statue of Liberty is just rolling her eyes, wishing she had something fun to entertain her at night.

Here’s a novel idea … Tebow and Lin should have a contest: one month to see who can rack up the highest score.  You have to hit a different borough every night though. Lin will take Chinatown and Harlem but Tebow will have Manhattan and Queens.  Brooklyn will decide it all.  There will be a massive tally board on the screen in Times Square.  GAME ON!!!

By R.J. Karas

 

March Madness, the Final Four showdown

As New Orleans prepares for the 2012 Final Four this weekend, many are tipping that the University of Kentucky will continue its decisive march to a national championship – and rightfully so.  The Wildcats are a machine comprised of four soon-to-be first round drafts picks, one of which, Anthony Davis, will be the first player selected.

So how dominant is Davis? Throughout the regular season and first four games of the NCAA tournament, Davis is averaging five blocks a game.  Don’t focus too much on the 15 points and 10 rebounds he is also putting up; but rather, consider how demoralizing it is to know that before stepping onto the court, Kentucky’s opposition already knows that Davis will single-handedly deny them of at least 10 points.  ‘The Big Blue’ – as they are referred to – do not simply beat teams, they back teams into a corner and make them submit.  It is almost fitting that the University of Kentucky had to play their Sweet 16 and Elite 8 games in Atlanta, a city that once saw such physical destruction as the Wildcats are putting on their opponents.

Atlanta, set for another devastating showdown

For those of you who are not students of the American Civil War – and I will assume that most of you are not considering the majority of you are Australian – Ulysses S. Grant, General of the Union (the winners)* forces, decided that the only way to beat the Confederacy (the losers)* was to physically destroy everything that remained.  In doing so, according to Grant’s theory, the Union would crush the resolve of the Confederacy. This theory took shape as Major General William Sherman marched from Atlanta to Savannah in late November and early December of 1864.  Sherman burned everything in site.  When Sherman reached the sea six weeks after he had left Atlanta, there was literally nothing but ash and rubble in his wake.  Sherman, himself, estimated the damage at $100 million in 1864 – in today’s dollars that’s well over $1 billion.  The Confederacy surrendered in the spring of 1865.

But while Kentucky is not leaving any physical damage or a body count in its wake, its opponents are left simply stunned at the team’s sheer military-esque domination.  In their most recent game, an Elite 8 match up against Baylor University – a team that boasts two future first-round draft picks – the two teams were tied 10-10 after seven-and-a-half minutes of play.  Over the next two minutes, Kentucky scored 11 unanswered points to lead 21-10 with 11 minutes remaining in the first half.  By half time, the score was 42-22 and Baylor was left dumbfounded by what had just occurred.  Kentucky would go on to win by a comfortable 12 point margin, leaving many resigned to the fact that coach John Calipari would have to wait only seven days for his first national championship.

Calipari, grooming tomorrow's NBA stars

Calipari, a man who admittedly takes more pride in seeing his players go pro than winning national championships, is the University of Kentucky’s ‘General Sherman’ – proudly watching his team dismantle anything that stands between them and New Orleans.  By understanding that an 18 year-old wants to be in the NBA as opposed to staying in college to win a national titles, Calipari is able to hand-pick the country’s best talent.  Calipari’s unique understanding of the role of NCAA basketball, more of a means to an end as opposed to the end that many other coaches see it as, has created one of the most dominant forces ever seen at this level.

By R.J. Karas

* I say ‘winners’ and ‘losers’ because depending on who you ask you will get a different answer for who the ‘good guys’ and the ‘bad guys’ are, regarding the Civil War. Seriously, to this day some Americans refer to the Civil War as the ‘War of North Aggression’.

 

Sheens Picks Raudonikis In Tigers Squad

Fed-up  Wests Tigers coach Tim Sheens has thrown down an unlikely challenge to Western Suburbs veteran Tommy Raudonikis, naming the outspoken 62-year-old in his side for the aptly named Heritage round clash against Souths. And Raudonikis has accepted the jersey in what could go down in the history books as one of the greatest ever sporting comebacks.

Sheens phoned Raudonikis late yesterday to offer the long retired halfback a spot in this weekend’s squad, following the former Magpie’s stinging offensive aimed at the Tigers following their “horrible, pathetic” loss to the Raiders. But while Sheens had hoped to call Raudonikis’ bluff, it transpired that this was the call the aging halfback had been waiting to receive for almost thirty years.   Both men are now resolutely sticking to their word, and many expect to see a less than spritely Raudonikis lead the Tigers this Sunday afternoon.

Sheens’ bluff went horribly awry

“I’ve had a quadruple bypass, three knee replacements, chronic liver disease, and I’ve got a Steeden-sized hernia sitting down next to my left testicle, but I’ve got no doubt I could tackle better than those blokes, bloody disgraceful,” Raudonikis ranted between drags  earlier this week.

With Raudonikis suffering from arthritis, failing eyesight and an indeterminate number of smoking related illnesses, 2GB owner and old friend John Singleton called on the NRL to step in and veto the obscure selection. “This is fucking foolish, unbelievably moronic, and surely contradicting some kind of duty of care,” he fumed.

But despite these strong words, Singleton has already snapped up all available advertising spots during Channel Nine’s coverage of the game. The Public Apology contacted Singleton’s office for a statement; however, the ad man was said to be “busy” – leaving this reporter picturing ‘Singo’ swimming in his own cash, ala Scrooge McDuck in the opening sequence of Duck Tales.

Singo, swimming in wealth

Raudonikis himself is yet to comment on his unlikely ascent to the Tigers’ run-on squad, but insiders say he still “doesn’t understand what all the fuss is about.”  2GB colleague Ray Hadley took time out from giving Rob Oakshott shit to tell listeners that “the old dog thinks he’s still got it, he reckons he can pull off 20 tackles 20 hit ups and still make it off for a quick dart at halftime.”

“I’ve suggested he update his life insurance, if anyone is crazy enough to cover the silly old cunt,” he added.

It appears this is looming as the Australian version of China’s infamous Tiananmen Square massacre. But instead of standing up to an oppressive communist government, Raudonikis is simply protesting against the ever growing army of tattooed, manicured, late drinking leagues who just can’t make a fucking tackle.

I’ll be watching at 3pm this Sunday when the South Sydney tanks roll into Leichhardt.

By Luke Meredith