Steven Bradbury Implicated in Pyramid Drug Dealing Scheme

Former Olympic ice skater Steven Bradbury has been implicated in a massive drug dealing ring that threatens to completely destroy his already eggshell-fragile public image.

Last week at the West Coast Eagles’ AFL season launch, Bradbury – inexplicably now a sought after motivational speaker – quipped that “the only person who would have spent more time on the ice than me was Ben Cousins.”

Hilarious? Yes. But what first seemed simply an inappropriate double entendre on the importance of training has turned into a potentially costly slip of the tongue, with federal authorities raiding Bradbury’s manmade canal-side project home in Raby Bay under the suspicion of supplying and importing illegal methamphetamine, or ‘ice’.

Yikes…

Bradbury has denied all allegations, using the unique defence that “Donny told me I could join his ‘gifting circle’ by buying his crystals for a grand and if I could find four other blokes to buy in.”

“Once they signed up, I would become “Captain” and people would pay me for the Crystals.”

“I don’t know what I’ve done wrong.”

Police detained Bradbury briefly, but released him after finding nothing incriminating – apart from three ice skating voodoo dolls and some goatee-bleaching paraphernalia.

Queensland police sergeant Susan Roy told reporters that it appeared Bradbury had “once again been unwittingly caught up in a Pyramid scheme, this time involving the supposed sale of ‘crystals’ – which we wrongly assumed was a reference to the socially destructive drug ‘ice’.”

“Mr. Bradbury has been cleared of any wrongdoing and the crystals in question apparently do not exist.”

“Unfortunately you can not be imprisoned for being an idiot.”

A deeply flawed business model

Closer analysis of Bradbury’s defence revealed the former Olympian was embroiled in a common scheme, aptly named the “Eight-Ball” Model, where eight “passengers” must each pay a sum of money to join.

The money goes to the “captain” who leaves, with everyone remaining moving up one tier.

Bradbury rose to national hero status when he took out the 1,000m speed skating event at the 2002 Winter Olympic Games after all his opponents were involved in a mass pile-up just metres from the finishing line. The phrase “doing a Bradbury”, which denotes an accidental win or unexpected or unusual success, has since entered the Australian vernacular.

However, some have suggested that Bradbury was deeply unhappy with his folk hero status and had grown tired of being a national laughing stock. While Bradbury refused The Public Apology’s request for interview, insiders have said that Bradbury’s ponzi scheme was a “cry for help” and an attempt to redefine his personal narrative.

“Holy shit, I won!!”

“Sure, he probably should have known better that to get involved in a pyramid scheme. The first thing you learn at business school is that such business models rely on an inherently unsustainable exponential progression in terms of growth,” a ‘close friend of Bradbury’s’ told The Public Apology.

“But Steve had been deeply unhappy for a while. Fuck me, he even went on Dancing with the Stars at one point! Don’t you tell me that’s not an anguished cry for help.”

Meanwhile, fomer Eagle Ben Cousins was quick to condemn the Olympian, adding “I don’t trust a man who never takes his shirt off.”

“And he’s a fucking figure-skater for Christ’s sake! Enough said!”

The interview ended abruptly when Cousins thought he heard the faint buzz of a police siren in the distance.

By Al McClintock

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